Anybody got any funny stories or anything to get me out of this yucky funeral mood?

Question

Just got back from a friend's mother's funeral. Blahblahblahblahblah. Somebody say something funny, quick.

LOL thanks guys :o)

You guys are great. I feel better! Keep 'em comin'.

Answer 1

;>

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.? They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.? I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
-----------------------------------------------------------
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man
> >> > and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each
> >> > other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one
> >> > day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
> >> > single gesture, brings the two to life.
> >> >
> >> > The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so
> >> > patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal
> >> > winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes
> >> > to do what you've wished to do the most."
> >> >
> >> > He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
> >> > running behind the shrubbery.
> >> >
> >> > The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
> >> > giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
> >> > return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells
> >> > them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
> >> > care to do it again?"
> >> >
> >> > He asks her, "Shall we?"
> >> >
> >> > She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's ! ! ! But let's
> >> > change positions ! ! !"
> >> >
> >> > "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and YOU poop
> >> > on it's head ! ! !"
------------------------------------------------
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come
out of a store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man
who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the
post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight
down the street a couple of blocks and turn
to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said,
"I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd like
for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll
show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww,
come on; You don't even know the way to
the post office!"
--------------------------------------------------------
GREAT LOSS

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry

LaPrise, a Detroit native, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey,"

died recently at the age of 83. The funeral lasted four hours.

They had an especially difficult time trying to keep him in the

casket. They'd put his left leg in - and - well, you know the rest . . .

=============================================

THINGS DOGS SHOULD TRY TO REMEMBER

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the

toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under

the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in

the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard

after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my

people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down

when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on

TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard

with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's

driver's license and car registration.

=============================================

The Wonderful Son In Law

-------------------------

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law

a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he

bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.

The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the

gift I gave you last year."

================================================

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced

to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news

is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The

bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

===========================

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish

carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of

humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a

hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats

and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

===========================

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot

up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

===========================

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just

before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,

but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service

station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant

pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready

for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.

It's the same in my business."

===========================

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and

the center of attention.

===========================

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of

people in the world there are those who wake up in the

morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are

those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord,

it's morning."

===========================

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large

city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space

with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper

that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park

here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR

TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation

from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this

block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my

job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

===========================

A father was approached by his small son who told him

proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled

and replied, "What do you mean, you'know' what the Bible

means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, saidhis father.

"So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy.

It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

===========================

Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter

what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't

be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the mom

was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for

tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday

school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy

comforter is coming".

===========================

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family

Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there

anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only

the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
==========================================
if you need more, just let me know

Answer 2

I had just moved into my apartment and my mom had noticed a strange smell coming from my laundry. I didn't know what it was and didn't feel like thinking about it until I decided to do a load of laundry. Well I put the laundry in and when I went to put it in the dryer everything appeared to be fine until I saw that I left something else in there. I thought it was a piece of my laundry but when I picked up the mangled wet mass of bones and fur I realized it was a dead animal. I freaked out and almost threw up. I started calling people to help me, only to get a hold of a friend who was with her new boyfriend. I thought, YES a boy to help me! They came over and confirmed that it was in fact a dead bat....what that heck. We were all freaking out and by this time it's 11pm and I have to be at work at 9. Long story short it remained in my washer overnight after efforts with some yellow rubber gloves my mom had bought me that I never thought I would use. When I called to put in a service request in the morning all they could do in the office was laugh at me....it is funny I agree but disgusting and at least they didn't wash they're clothes with it. I love living next to woods, but I guess I get the good with the bad.

Answer 3

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in
1944."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1944 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Kelly twins are drunk again."

Answer 4

A Montana rancher decided to hire some Basques to take care of his sheep out west. Their flight stopped in NYC, and the rancher decided to take them on a tour. The Basques had never seen a revolving door and began playing in the door, running faster and faster until they all tumbled into the street and were crushed by a bus.

The moral of this story is don't put all your Basques in one exit.

Answer 5

Not that it applies in this case, but Mark Twain said of someone he didn't much care for, "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Answer 6

after 3 days back on answers I got my first violation notice, my new account is now officially broken in. the Q, what do you do best. my answer ... roll j's and give head, not in that order. I guess the Yahoos just can't appreciate good talents like those....

(((LINZ)))

Answer 7

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Answer 8

I had to go to a funeral today too and one other person here said they did too today---whats up with that?

Answer 9

On the first day of school, the children brought
gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of
flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher
a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a
big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and
tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy!"

Answer 10

Not a joke person but have to share that my 5 year old son's latest question was "Mama, do turtles fart?"