How to handle up the coming 1 year mark (birthday/anniversary) of a still-born child?

Question

My brother-in-law & his wife suffered the death of their son who was still born who died just a few days before his birth. The 1st year date (I'm not sure what title to give it) is coming up just 2 days before Thanksgiving. I want to be mindful & acknowledge what they might be going through,what they might be thinking & how they maybe feeling this Thanksgiving. Is it best not to say/do anything or is there away their baby can be remembered on what should have been (IS) his birthday? I've never been involved with someone who has loss a child to death.
Also ~ Our youngest is just 6 months older than their baby. I have a bit of guilt about the fact that I have 5 children & all where born "perfect & healthy" when I'm around them. They are in their 30's & this baby was to be their first. There's also another brother-in-law with a baby 4 months older then their baby. I know it's going to be hard to see us with our babies who are close to their babies age during this time. What to do??

Answer 1

If I were them, I think that I would appreciate a simple card that says something along the lines of, "I know that this is a hard time for you, but always remember that I am here for you in whatever way you may need me." And also, if they buried the child, which I assume that they did, perhaps go there with a few presents and some happy birthday balloons.

On a side note, there is a wonderful website that allows you to remember a lost loved one. It is called www.memory-of.com
I have a friend who made a site for her son after he was killed accidentally at the tender age of 3. It helped her grieve. I browsed through some of the other sites and my understanding is that when a person suffers the loss of a child, they prefer that people acknowledge their child instead of pretending that it never happened. A common used quote is " My child may have been stillborn, but he was STILL born."

Best wishes in this hard time.

Answer 2

It is very thoughtful that you want to acknowledge this event, and I really think you should. There are a number of things you can do - but if nothing else, I would recommend a card. A card can say a lot without being too invasive. This couple is probably going to have a very hard time dealing with this anniversary. But it will also be a milestone for them. Having gone one whole year is a big feat. It is a long time, and they have weathered the storm!! I would be mindful of using the term "birthday" only because that brings up happy thoughts in my mind, and I am not so sure they would recognize this event as a happy time. I hope I am not offending anyone by saying that, but I think the term "anniversary" might be more appropriate. I also understand that you are feeling bad about your happy and healthy family. But you can not help that. Surely they must be happy deep down inside, that you have been so fortunate. It may be hard for them if they really think about it - but they need to celebrate life and your children are the epitome of life, happiness, and hope. Hopefully they can see that. Take care -

Answer 3

My daughter died almost 20 years ago (12-5-87). She was stillborn when I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 8 months pregnant.
Be supportive, be tolerant of mood swings, expect a range of emotions. I still go from crying, to overly happy, to a ***** (sorry about that word) to being very over protective of my other children from about a week before to week after.
Things do get better. My best friend's son was born 4 years ago on that date. She knows that even though she is happy, I am not.
The pain never goes away..it dulls.

Answer 4

My husband and I lost a baby girl the day after our son's 2nd birthday last year, and for her "Birthday" we invited people to come to church with us and then went to the cemetery to place balloons and flowers. Get a nice plant and send it to their home in remembrance of their baby. People are always told not to bring up a infant/child that has passed away and it hurts the parents more because they think that everyone has forgotten about them.

Answer 5

There is nothing you can do but lend all the love and support you can. I know Ive been through it.....

There is no right or wrong way for them to handle it, everyone is different and everyone has to cope however they feel is right for them...... I have a birthday celerbration for my twins, to help my kids deal with it. We have it at the grave sight, and leave something special on the graves for them..... We all say a little something about how we feel.

Answer 6

Plant a tree. That's what my aunt & uncle did when they lost their son. Now it's a beautiful 20 foot pine. In a while you can put a bench by it and it will by a lovely spot to sit. Or if you don't have property to plant something, you can make a donation to a charity they support in the name of their baby.

Answer 7

I would say that there is nothing you can 'do' other than be supportive and listen if THEY bring up the subject.

[Edit]
Based on my life experience, I would say that it seems to be taboo from someone "on the outside" to bring up the subject of a special day (birthday or anniversary of any type) of someone else's loved one. Like it is fine to say "you know, grandma would have been 70 today", but very inappropriate to start a conversation of "you know, your grandma would have been 70 today".

But if they broach the subject first, then it's appropriate to listen and properly react and talk about the subject.

Answer 8

Be willing to listen to them if they want to talk about their loss. Let them know you are thinking about them and they are in your prayers.