I went to the layout of a dear friend today. She died after a long illness. I was out of control of my emotions and could not stop crying...and I was the only one there doing that. Even her kids were in better shape. Knowing that her kids will be reading poems to her at the service, and there were many other highly emotional things planned, I decided not to attend the funeral itself. I knew I couldn't go through with it and not be hysterical. So I said my goodbyes and came home. (layout was all morning- funeral is going on now someplace else.) Now I feel so guilty that I didn't go, and it's too late to go back. Is it ok to decide not to attend the funeral service if you know you won't be able to conduct yourself well?
Please don't be cruel here. I just got back from her layout and talking to all her family and other friends. I'm still just sobbing.
2007-10-26 04:55:45 · 36 answers · asked by Eraserhead 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
No, please don't feel guilty about this. You did a compassionate thing by attending the viewing and let the family know that your thoughts were with them.
Your friend won't mind that you didn't make the funeral ceremony. She would understand that it was just too much for you to bear.
Her kids and the rest of her family probably are too much in shock to have broken down yet. It will hit them later, possibly at the end of the funeral itself, maybe when everything is over and they have peace and quiet time.
And to be honest, after a while, they may not even remember whether you were at the actual funeral service or not. They'll know you thought enough of their mother - and of them - to be there and offer your sympathy and condolences, but the details of the event will most likely be a blur in their memory later.
I remember the strangest things from my father's funeral. Like how my distant uncle's girlfriend was wearing spike heels, a leather mini skirt, and an off-the-shoulder sweater, all in black. I thought it was great, even if she did get a few funny looks! I also remember that the police told us procession from the funeral home to the graveyard was over a mile long, which amazed me. He wasn't a public figure or anything, just a plumber. But people loved him. But, other than family and very close friends, I really couldn't tell you if a specific person was *at* the funeral itself.
Relax. Know that the funeral was as much for you as for anyone else. Funerals aren't for the dead; they're for the living. They are to help us cope with the loss of the people we love. That's why you went and paid your respects at the viewing, and that's why you didn't go to the final ceremony.
Please do not worry yourself and feel guilty about this. You have already lost your friend. Don't put yourself through any more pain.
2007-10-26 05:14:52 · answer #1 · answered by Dinky 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
No not at all. Your decision to not go to the funeral was personal and necessary if you would have been uncomfortable being that hysterical around everyone, as well as the fact that it could have been distracting to the service. People will understand, and whats important is that you were mouring HER, just because you don't attend the funeral doesn't take away from your respect and love for your dear friend. If anyone says its rude just don't worry about it. Just say you couldn't handle it. The truth is fine.
2007-10-26 05:01:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you can't be of emotional support to the family then its better that you not attend. Send flowers to their home, but do not mention that you were too broken up to go to the actual funeral. I'm sure they know of your love for your friend and they saw your grief at the wake.
After such a long illness, she is now at peace, she wouldn't want so much grief no friend would want that for another.
Try to concentrate on the fact that her struggle is over, and look to honor her life in some way that would mean something to her.
2007-10-26 05:20:12 · answer #3 · answered by justa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It wasn't rude at all. Frankly, I think you were very thoughtful, in that you didn't want your grieving to be a distraction [or overt disruption] at the funeral.
I'm one of those that consider funerals mostly for the living -- it's the opportunity to express their feelings and say goodbye, which helps with their healing. So I don't think you should feel bad or embarrassed that your were crying at the viewing -- everyone handles grief differently, and there's no "wrong" way. I certainly hope no one was giving you scornful looks. Anyway, please also don't feel guilty -- you attended the viewing, so you definitely paid your respects.
If you knew anyone there and subsequently see them, you can briefly explain why you didn't attend the funeral.
2007-10-26 05:04:48 · answer #4 · answered by The Snappy Miss Pippi Von Trapp 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Funerals are for the living, dear. You should have no regrets at all.
If her death upset you this much, then your time together must have meant a lot to you, and, more importantly, a lot to her. Think about what would be important to you during a long illness: would it be the moments shared with friends while living, or the thought of how many people would attend a service after you've gone?
God bless, and grieve your way.
2007-10-26 05:01:39 · answer #5 · answered by annarborisatramp 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You paid your respects. You became over emotional like anyone would. Attending the funeral itself is your choice and not rude since you already went to the viewing. I don't think anyone will any less of you for not attending the funeral. Now take all the time you need to grieve. Sorry to hear about your friend.
2007-10-26 05:03:34 · answer #6 · answered by DB 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
♥ I'm terribly sorry to hear about your friend that passed away... it's fine that you attended only the layout and not the funeral service... some people cannot handle the environment of a funeral service. You happen to be one of those people... No worries, you said your goodbyes and I'm sure your friend would understand!! *Hugs* Good Luck hun!
2007-10-26 05:00:11 · answer #7 · answered by NCIS ♥ Addict 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what is best for you. If you were unable to attend, anyone who matters will understand. Those who do not matter will have something to say... I rarely do funerals, I did not attend my own mothers funeral... The deceased is gone they are not there, it is for those left behind that need the funeral... The time is gone when everything that should of or could of been said. Be at peace with yourself and allow yourself to grieve minus the guilt.... God bless****
2007-10-26 05:12:06 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. If everyone saw that you were such a mess during the calling hours, they'll understand. Instead wait until the time is right for you, and go to her graveside & have your own private moments. Send a sincere condolences card, and if you feel you must, explain that you were extremely saddened by her passing and that you just felt it would be better if you weren't there drawing attention away from the real reason why everyone was gathered. Chances are they'll respect you more for doing that.
2007-10-26 05:01:24 · answer #9 · answered by Jessica 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
First of all, my condolences to you in your time of grief. I understand what you may be going through because I've experienced a similar loss. We all deal with death and grief differently. I think you may be being too harsh with yourself for not attending the funeral. My thought on death is "it's too final."
It sounds like you've said your goodbyes to your dear friend. Just let the memories of the times you've shared sustain you through this difficult time.
2007-10-26 05:38:16 · answer #10 · answered by ≤ Flattery Operated © 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋