i really need some help understanding this. My bf and i have been together for 3 years and our sex life is ok. It all started out ok and when i moved in, i found alot of porn on the comp. I asked he about it and said he didnt need it anymore so deleted it. I said i was happy to watch it with him but he wasnt comfortable with it. we got a new computer andall was ok. Then when i was pregnant, i found out that he was waking up to watch it downstairs while i was asleep. The thing is now, is that i found his porn and hid it, he said he didnt need it as he had me. Then he found it and said that he still wanted it. It makes me feel so useless as WHENEVER i went out, he would put it on and wouldnt want to make love for days after. I told him this but he just brushed me off.He knows i have insecurities and agreed to give it away. I was happy as he promised it was all gone, then i found some in his wardrobe that he had kept. This makes ME feel ill, what can i do?
Please help
2007-10-25 23:58:43 · 17 answers · asked by fleurt82 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
im 25, he is 39
2007-10-26 00:10:00 · update #1
im not pregnant now, that was when i was 2 years ago
2007-10-26 00:17:50 · update #2
I sympathise, lass. I've just given up every bit of smut I had in the house. Snapped dvd's, ripped up magazines, deleted all the stuff on my laptop.
Why? Because my missus described in detail how it made her feel and I felt so bad I couldn't do anything else.
I won't pretend it's easy to give up, because I still like it, but for the good of my relationship with the woman I want to be with forever, it's in the bin and it's not coming back.
I don't know what to say that will help, if he already knows how you feel and still doesn't do it I can only say he doesn't care about you as much as you want him too. I'm sorry, lass.
2007-10-26 00:06:41 · answer #1 · answered by Beastie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to talk to him about it. He probably feels embarrassed about it, for starters. He probably also doesn't want to hurt your feelings if he's wacking off to porn instead of having sex with you. Or perhaps he simply wants to have sex 10 times a day, and you're not around to provide that for him, or it's unreasonable to demand of you since you are pregnant and all. I don't think most couples have the energy to go at it 10 times a day (that's just an exaggeration but you know what I mean). It's one of those things where if a man wants to wack off, he'll want to do it right then and there on impulse.
The most important thing that you can do about it is be supportive and not give him grief about it. If it really does bother you, it's something you're going to have to discuss and work out. It could be that he doesn't find you particularly attractive right now. More likely though, it's just a habit for him that he's had since his adolescent years.
Would you rather have him beating off at home, or cheating on you in earnest with other women?
Girls need to understand that guys have certain primal needs and that they must not get judgemental if a man if found to have some magazines or videos. Even if happens to be 1-2 terabytes of porn. hahahah. Yes, believe me, I've heard stories of people who have that much.
2007-10-26 00:15:15 · answer #2 · answered by kentuckyfriedplus 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He lies about it because he knows you don't want him to be watching it, but he doesn't intend to give it up. The best cure for that is for you to accept it. My partner watched a lot more porn than usual when I was pregnant too. It was great! I could stay asleep and not worry, knowing his "pixels" were looking after him. I don't know how your pregnancy is, but I wasn't in the mood for any of that kind of attention. If you are, then tell him. He might feel your body is under enough stress without sexual pressure and he's trying to be a good fella and leave you alone. Obviously he has needs though. If you want to sleep with him, he will probably be happy to (if not, you'd better find out why.) If you don't want to sleep with him, you have to let him get his kicks somehow. A guy can only do without for so long!
The thing you need to understand is that they aren't women, they are pixels. He isn't replacing you with them. They are replacements for you. He'd prefer you. To understand, you have to look at it like a guy.
2007-10-26 00:31:19 · answer #3 · answered by Rosie_0801 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a guy I will tell you three things about it:
1. Him watching or viewing porn isn't about you, it is about him and his needs;
2. He only got rid of it to placate you because he knew you'd freak out;
3. Just because a guy looks at porn does not mean you aren't "doing it" for him. We are genetically programmed to seek out as many mates as possible. He can still love you and look at porn.
You need to stop trying to control this part of him. You also need to let go of your concepts. This is not a personal affront to you. His porn has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you. He has obviously been using porn for longer than he has been dating you, and if you care about him, you won't try to "cleanse" him of behavior you don't approve of. You should try understanding him better. You might even find you like some. For all you know, it might be a gateway to a healthy intimate communication between you two.
2007-10-26 00:07:15 · answer #4 · answered by Glenn J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh dearie, i've been there. there's nothing you can really do to make him get rid of it. as you have found, he will keep finding ways to look at it. he lies because he is probably ashamed when you confront him about it. him watching porn though, has nothing to do with you it seems. it was probably there long before you came into the picture.. so it is in his routine.
the best you can do is to make your feelings known as you have done and then maybe help him with other things he can be doing. an occupied person does not have the free time to look at porn.
also, dont go searching for it anymore. there's no point because then you are doing something wrong as well. why stress yourself out searching for it? occupy yourself as well. anytime you think of searching for it, do something else instead and distract yourself. you can't change his behavior, but you can change yours... and i can promise you that you will be happier once you stop.
2007-10-26 00:09:43 · answer #5 · answered by punkymunky22 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Porn is bad news. I'm not gonna act like I'm above it, but porn is the objectification of people. People in porn are modified to meet a person's fantasy desires. They say nothing is as good as you can imagine it, porn is the never ending quest to make fantasy reality.
Sadly, people realize the giant rift between what they can imagine and what they can get on a regular basis. They turn to porn over and over again.
He really needs to stop watching it. The only reason I think he can't get away from it is because he has already given up believing that he can be satisfied without his little sexual fantasy realm. It's like someone who can't stop sucking their thumb, it's an enormous comfort but you gotta give it up.
His habit won't be broken over night, it could take months or years. He may never totally kick the habit, but you can certainly help. Encourage him to get what he wants from you, don't turn into some fantasy figure for him, but at least encourage him to express himself with you. When he starts kicking porn, he'll find the real world gets a lot more satisfying.
BTW this isn't a male isolated problem. Celebrity tabloids send women into the same unreal fantasy world (complete with human objects) that men seek when they turn to porn. My gf is just as worthless to me when she reads those things for hours as I am to her if I watch porn or go to a strip joint.
They say people seek to turn objects into humans (think pets) and humans into objects. It's sad, but that's the behavior that's driving your problem with your bf.
2007-10-26 00:31:29 · answer #6 · answered by thewon4 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he's like me, he wants to enjoy it alone. Is that such a big deal? It's not really something a person can brag and be proud about, is it. Some people prefer to enjoy porn in total privacy. Leave him alone and let him enjoy watching porn in the way he chooses to.
2016-03-14 23:55:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could be a sex addict. On the other hand, he might not be comfortable watching porn with anyone but himself. If he is taking matters into his own hands, then wants to be by himself when he masterbates. He might also be ashamed that you know he has porn on is PC.
Since you are pregnant and aren't able to have sex with him for awhile, he probably is pleasuring himself more and needs the porn to satisfy his needs. Which leads me back to potentially being a sex addict.
2007-10-26 00:12:36 · answer #8 · answered by davester1970 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you guys are young couple, this can become an issue in a young relationship maybe try watching it with him and let him know that you trust him. Or maybe there is something that he is missing try talking t him to find out what is. I feel for you but when a bit older it all makes sense Good luck Hun Don't beat yourself up over it use that energy in the bed room.
2007-10-26 00:06:52 · answer #9 · answered by I love BU 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All men watch porn and masturbate. I still don't undertand why wives/gfs are so against. As long as he is still having sex with you and not affecting your sex life, I don't see a problem.
My husband is watching porn and masturbates. He said he did sometimes while I was sleeping. It doesn't affect me. I even think helps our sex life somehow.
You should let him do it if he wants it! He will do it anyway. No matter if you tell him no or yes.
2007-10-26 00:05:58 · answer #10 · answered by LMH 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋