Please help me, Im falling for a married man!?

Question

Hes my manager, hes married and I have a bf of 2 years.
I desperatley need these feelings to stop, but Im finally got a big raise and a good position at my job and I dont wanna quit.
Adam (manager) likes me too. We had a talk about it today and he told me to just keep everything a secret and so will he. Its just, hes such a sweet, good natured person. Hes so gentle and caring with me and for a guy he is so sensitive. I mean, I accidently hurt his feelings because I didnt pity him when he had a headache lol! and the way he looks at me drives me wild, its like he wants to tell me something but he cant. He never has tried anything sexual with me, all the feelings we have are emotional feelings. Im attached to him and its so wrong.

How do i make this stop? I just wanna tell him everything one day and tell him I cant handle the feelings for him anymore and see what he says. This is killing me so bad and I have to keep it such a secret that I cant tell a soul who knows me

Im not a bad person or nuttin like that, I havnt done anything or acted on these feelings but I want them to stop before they start to get out of control. I really dont think he is a bad person, or he is trying to get in my pants, he is also a pastor and very strong in his faith. I know he wants these feelings to stop as well. I want it to stop because its wrong that he is my manager, hes married, Im taken, and Its wrong in God's eyes. My question is on HOW to make it stop

and thanks to everyone for their insightful answers.

Answer 1

Let me get this straight...
YOUR MANAGER told you to KEEP EVERYTHING a SECRET?
Go to HR.

Throw your feelings out of the equation.
That is a violation of ethics.

I have to say, this man is a creep. He's not "So sensitive" or he'd be sensitive to how his wife would feel if she knew how he was behaving.
He's not so gentle and caring. Or he'd NOT be asking you to "keep it a secret" or even ENTERTAIN the idea of cheating on his wife.
If he was a sensitive, gentle caring person, he'd NEVER even THINK of cheating on his wife.

He's not a sweet, good natured person.
He's going to make you THINK that he is that he can get into your pants.
"Accidentally hurt his feelings because you didn't pity him when he had a headache" Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!
This man is trying so hard to work over on you.

He is giving you "the eyes" just to further reel you in.

The thing is, he is abusing his power. That is what it boils down to.

Obviously your boyfriend isn't meeting your emotional needs. He's not making you feel wanted/needed or appreciated.
I think it's time for you to find a new relationship.
If your boyfriend was meeting your needs, you'd not feel the desire to reach out to another man.

I'm not beating you up about the married man thing. I have no room to.
I was in love with a married man.
Let me tell you, it ends in hurt. You will end up definitely hurt by the whole thing.
And I can see where you are on that path. He is making you FEEL he has feelings for you. In reality, he will not leave his wife. They never do.

Here are some pointers. Seperate yourself from it.
Do NOT refer to you and he as "We" as in "the feelings We have are emotional feelings"
Correct that..the feelings YOU have are EMOTIONAL. The feelings he has are purely sexual.
Think of it like this.
He is married. He has alllllll the emotional feelings he needs at home. He is probably up to his eyeballs in emotional feelings at home. He can get that from his wife.
He's just looking to have a fling.
He's a creep.
Report him to HR.
Stay away from him.
Do not refer to you and him as "We"
Do not return his "Look"
Limit your conversation.
Don't flirt back.
He'll get the picture and undoubtably move on to the next woman who he thinks is 'weak' enough that he'll have a shot at sex with.

Be smarter than that!!! Please!

Answer 2

Your crush took marriage vows that he will remain faithful till death. If you pursue this relationship, you may get the title "homewrecker". Do you really want to be that girl? Have you for a second taken into consideration the hurt and anger and humiliation you might be inflicting on this so-called "nice guy's" WIFE? Let alone how your boyfriend would feel to know you are thinking of cheating on him!!! You have a few options here:
1) Quit your job and walk away from this nightmare situation. Make sure you have a new job first.
2) Have a secret affair. Very very sleazy.
3) Tell your manager that you are not the kind of person who will be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Keep your distance as much as possible.

No matter what decision you make, you should break up with your boyfriend. Allow him to find a girlfriend who wants to be with him and him alone.

Answer 3

STOP. Don't do this. Don't act on these feelings. Don't tell him EVERYTHING. You will mess us SO many people's lives: yours, his, his wife, any kids of him or you, your BF. Your BF and his wife don't deserve this. Stop spending time with him unless others are present. Control yourself, avoid him. He's nice, let's leave him that way, let's not turn him into a cheater. Hopefully you're nice, don't turn into a cheater. There is cheating without sex and you're almost there. You know this is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have to keep it a secret. Your gut is telling you, NO, don't follow through, that's why it's a secret. GRow up, act as an adult. If you can't deal with it, then you HAVE to get another job. Part of the attraction is the secretness of it all, a guilty pleasure. STOP IT NOW.

Answer 4

Put space between you too at all costs.
He is NOT a sweet, good natured person or he wouldn't encourage you to 'keep it a secret'
Trust me on this.
He is working on your feelings making you think he is so sweet and kind. And giving you those private "I want to tell you something" looks IS part of his plan. When in reality he is a married man looking to cheat on his wife.

I know you probably think your case is different and that you have a connection. etc.
The truth of the matter is, if it wasn't you in that job position but another woman. He would probably be trying the same things on her.
Here's the thing, I've known guys like him before. He doesn't feel an emotional connection to you. He already has an emotional connection to his wife.
He wants to have sex with you.
That's it. Point blank.

If you're serious that you know this is wrong, everytime you think you feel emotionally connected and want to be with him, think of how it would hurt his wife.

Think of how you DESERVE a man who is interested in being with you COMPLETELY.
Apparently your boyfriend isn't cutting it for you. Find someone else who will.

Answer 5

If you cannot see where you are going in the future, heaven help you. You head off for the supermarket and end up at the city dump.

So step back from whatever immediate feelings you have about this guy today, and look at where you are going. The choices you make today determine where you end up later.

If you choose to get involved with a married man, you are saying: "it is perfectly okay that a husband cheats on his wife."

You are sanctioning this behavior, to him, the world -- and yourself. Doing this now will affect the big picture you end up in for your future.

You are probably not seeing the future part of this picture, so let's try to open up your eyes. This big picture starts with you in the future, falling deeper in love with this guy. It shows you, further in that future, wanting something more with this guy than being his fling away from home.

What happens next? Once you want more, maybe he dumps you, and you get real hurt and become more cynical about love. But what if he decides to leave his family, and you end up his next wife? Keep your eye on the big picture. Remember, you already drew this picture to say it is okay that a husband cheats on his wife. You are telling this guy that very thing right now, by your actions. Guess what happens next, when he goes back out to where ever and leaves you home?

The choice is yours. You play the starring role in your life. I suggest you make sure it's a picture you truly want to star in.

So, you ask, is there a easy way to stop this? Yes. Next time you talk to him, tell him to take all his interest in you and put it back home with his wife, where it belongs. Tell him you realized you have made a big mistake by being flattered by his interest in you. Say you woke up and saw the big picture, and did not like what you were doing to your own life.♣

Answer 6

OK, the bottom line is that he is married. He has a wife that does not know what is going on. A manager should know better and so should you.
I doubt that you are the first employee he's liked. If he is so gentle and sensitive he would not try to get some action on the side. Not trying to hurt you, just telling you the truth.
We can't have everything we want, You have a boyfriend, direct your attention towards him.

Answer 7

Just imagine yourself as his wife every time he looks at you or speaks to you. Imagine it is another younger, prettier, better girl that he is with at work while you are off at your oen job trusting that he is being his wonderful sensitive self. If he does this to her, he will do it to you in the future. Being emotionally invested in someone other than your wife is still cheating, b/c your mind and heart are wrapped up in another person other than your spouse. You should stay at your job and stop flirting with him immediately. You should tell him that you don't want to be with anyone in 'secret' and that he is a married man and you and he need to respect that. The fact that he has asked you to keep it a secret is so suspect that I question how far his motives go....probably as far as you will let him go.....regardless, in the future you will either always be the other secret woman, or if he did leave his wife, you would be the married woman wondering if you could ever trust your husband. Stop it now is my advice.

Answer 8

How do you make this stop? You don't give in to your fantasies.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, because you are setting up a scenario that will be devastating to many people in order to satisfy your lust.

There is this old fashioned notion about character and integrity. That means you can't have him because he is married and you have a boyfriend of your own.

If you can't manage to control yourself you're going to have to suck it up and get a different job.

You boss is sexually harassing you too. Telling you to just keep everything a secret! To cover his *** and keep his job. Why would you even consider fooling around with a married man, and a man in that would use his position as your manager to get in your pants and tell you to keep it secret?!

Do you realize that sexual harassment is ILLEGAL? You should report this to his supervisor and get his *** fired.

This is wrong on so many levels.

One more thought: if you feel free to cheat with a married man, this will happen to you too. Karma.

Answer 9

I, too have a boyfriend of 2 years. Think of it this way--if he has these feelings for you, despite being in a committed relationship, do you really want him? He had to have been in love with his wife once, and obviously doesn't want to split or he'd have done it by now. It would be different if they were separated. I also have what I would refer to as "mini-crushes" on guys, but I don't act on them. I love my man, and I know it would hurt him. I think everyone who is in a long-term (non-committed) relationship eventually misses what is "new" and a "novelty". I know I miss the romance, the feeling of that "first kiss", and that's when these "mini-crushes" happen.

Soldier on, honey, and leave that married man alone!

Edit: I'm sorry, I totally didn't answer your question up there! What works for me is spending time with my boyfriend, and reminding myself why I love him. Then my love for him will crowd out anything else. Hope this helps!

Answer 10

So not wreck a marriage that is the most horrible thing to put his wife through.

Put your feelings aside. When they married they married for better or worse and commited to one another if he would do that to her and he has loved her enough to marry her then sweetheart he will do it to you.

He needs to confront the feelings he's having for you and straighten his own marriage out before he gets involved with someone else.

Whatever you do/did ... END IT ALL NOW. You have a relationship so your life will not change but, DO NOT ruin a marriage over your own personal needs.