How can he make me feel so worthless in bed yet worth everything outside of the bedroom?

Question

My boyfriend is wonderful in other areas of our relationship - he's attentive, loving, affectionate, considerate, etc but when it comes to sex some of those qualities seem to disappear. We have had some really great romps but more often than not I am left feeling like a piece of meat afterwards.

A couple nights ago I wasn't warmed up enough (the fact that he doesn't seem to understand that I need more foreplay is a reacurring problem) and I told him I wasn't ready (for intercourse) yet he went ahead and did it any ways. He asked me during if I was ok and I felt like it really didn't matter if I was or wasn't because he was going to do what he wanted any how. It's like my needs are no longer important when it comes to sex even when I tell him I need more play time.

Could he be craving more aggresion or control from me? He left the AM after for a few days so I haven't been able to talk to him about it but this incident has really upset me.

He is older by 12 years (he's 38 and I'm 26)

He's considerate outside of sex I mean. No, I don't need hours of foreplay but more than just a few minutes. He seems to think that just because I'm wet I'm ready to go and it's not always the case.

Top contributor means I've answered a lot of questions in this category, doesn't mean I'm an expert in the subject nor did I claim that I was. The moment I stop learning is the day I die.

Answer 1

I think your guy has some serious problems with aggression and control. What he did was rape, whether you want to admit it or not. Be very careful, here, because anybody who incorporates violence and control into sex may likely eventually let it spill over into his everyday life. The fact that he can be charming, considerate, and loving at other times is chilling. It means he is very good at showing what he wants you (and others) to see. He is very good at tempering the bully side of him to keep you off balance and him in control. He needs counseling. This isn't the man of your dreams, but he could turn out to be your worst nightmare.

Answer 2

Well, if he's so "attentive, loving, affectionate, considerate, etc" outside of the bedroom, then it sounds like you have a split personality on your hands. He can't be all that attentive, loving, affectionate or considerate if he doesn't give a dam* how you feel during your most intimate moments. And you say you have vocalized your needs to him in the past? Next time he starts to "do his thing" tell him to stop if you don't feel ready. Are you there to help him masturbate or are you there to share in true mutual pleasure? Sex is not supposed to be about only one partner in the relationship. If he is as great as you emphasized in your little disclaimer at the beginning, then talk to him about it and emphasize to him that his behavior makes you not only uncomfortable, but extremely turned off. I don't think he wants you to be more aggressive or anything. I just think he's being a selfish jack. Talk to him. If he's a man, or even an honorable boy, he'll listen and hopefully work on this.

Answer 3

Perhaps you need to spell it out for him. It seems you have a good thing going with this guy aside from the sex. It's true that men generally "need" sex to feel wanted in a relationship, but if you continue giving in to his desires, things are unlikely to improve. Make him "earn" the intercourse by scoring points giving you attention/foreplay. Don't be afraid to demand what you want directly or even obscenely, and let him know when things feel right or good to you. Make a game of it, and let him win sometimes. But either way, yes, you need to excercise more control over him in the bedroom, without shutting him out. Don't let your resentment or disappointment grow any greater than it already is. Best of luck!

Answer 4

well maybe you can tell him in a different way....sometimes we try to explain something and we just end up accusing them saying well you do this and you do this.....instead try saying remember that night we ( enter your best sex night here) and then say well i really liked it when you did ...........whatever he did. I have had this problem in the past and sometimes guys think that because they are ready at the drop of a hat that means we must be....so i like to be the leader sometimes and if your not ready and need more play time try "entertaining" him with oral while he "entertains" you and maybe that way your both satisfied.......thats just a suggestion and seems gross now that i said it outloud but you get my point....women need emotional as well as physical stimulation to be ready for sex.......if that doesnt work try reading erotica that usually works for most women to get them in the mood.....all im saying is if the bedroom is the only problem it can be fixed with a little work from BOTH partners.

Answer 5

A woman does need more foreplay than men,the man might lose their hard on if they wait too long. They don't want to admit that because thye want you to think they are steel machines that never quit. Men try to get their own pleasure and leave the woman out plenty of times. They play all kinds of head games in the bed also. The tricky part about talking to them about it is that part of the turn on in foreplay is thinking that the man is enjoying it too. If you try to boss them too much that messes it up. You should tell him what you like and see if it helps any.

Answer 6

Men are animals when it comes to sex. Unfortionately, some men only think about themselves in the bedroom. They just want to bang hard, get their rocks off and roll over and goto sleep. Not thinking about their partner. Do what my wife does. And BELIEVE me, this works. GO ON STRIKE. Dont give it up for a couple of weeks. Then when it drives him crazy, tell him. Say "sex isnt always about you". I need my satisfaction just like you do. If hes smart, he will give you the best night ever. Theres a story about a father sheep and his son looking over a herd of sheep. The son says " daddy lets run down there and f--- one of those sheep. The father says "no son lets walk down there and f--- them all". The moral is the slower, the better.

Answer 7

I just think he doesn't have a clue--he can't wait and can't understand. Watch "Talk Sex with Sue" on Oxygen on Sunday night or go to her web site and find the title of some "how to"videos." Tell him you feel unloved and used when he doesn't make love to you. I guess you could try some delaying tactics of your own to keep him content while you are getting ready. Have him do it twice--once for him and once for you. Look into lubes and you may want a toy of some kind. I think you both need more information.

Answer 8

Hmm, it is possible that he is trying to control you a bit more, but that is something that you should sit down and have a serious conversation with him about. Maybe he just doesn't know enough about what women want out of sex. He needs to know that men and women work differently in that way. Or it is possible that he is just a sex freak, but i can't say for sure.

Answer 9

Guys just want to hit it. Do not try to psychoanalyze every thing the more blahhh bla bla the more we just want to put a hurten on you. You will find if you just let him throw you around like a rag doll you will eventually come to enjoy it. It's in your nature...
or dump him and find some nerdy wimp boy to pet puppies with and see how weak your sex life can really become.

Answer 10

Have you tried talking to him about this? I guess you have, I would just stop having sex with him. When he asks you why you don't want to, tell him it is because you are no longer enjoying it. I don't think heis craving anything, he just sounds selfish and wants to get his self off without worrying about pleasuring you.