How should I handle trouble with my family???

Question

My boyfriend Grant and I have been together since June 2006 but my parents still don't accept him because he's in his 40's and I'm just recently 21. I spoke with my mother this morning on the phone about our annual family reunion every Halloween. She told me that she didn't want me to bring Grant because it's "embarrassing that her daughter is dating a man the same age as her father". I broke down and started crying and basically told her that Grant had to come because he's part of the family...she then went on to say that it was horrible that I've moved in with him and she knows we're having sex and that isn't something she had wanted me to do until marriage. I say all of this to ask: What can I do in this situation? Should I still go to the reunion even though I can't take Grant, or should I just show up with him???

To answer the question, "how does Grant feel?"

Honestly, he's hurt by it but he's very sweet and easy going so he just says he doesn't care if they don't want him around. I still feel like he deserves to be at family functions. I love him, so they should at least accept him if they love me...

Answer 1

If Grant is just a boyfriend (and unwelcomed by your relatives) then technically he's not part of the family.

To avoid embarrassing your parents, at least show them some respect by not attending the reunion with Grant. If it were me, I'd probably not attend the reunion at all. You can't force people to accept someone that you happen to love, and we each have our own reasons for making the choices that we do.

What does Grant say? Does he have any desire to attend an event where he would not be welcomed?

ADDITIONAL INFO:
I can tell that you view Grant as a huge part of your life and you feel that there's some level of commitment between the two of you. I'm sure that your mom holds out hope that you'll "come to your senses" and end the relationship before you end up pregnant and/or dumped. I know that she wants you to be happy (but it's by her definition of happiness), and if you are maybe she will eventually open her eyes to that fact. I can also tell that you love your mom very much and it breaks your heart that she doesn't seem to understand how much you love Grant. I admire you for not shutting out your mom completely; to me that's a sign of maturity on your part.

Because you love and respect both Grant and your mom, I wouldn't press the issue of including him at family functions until the two of you are actually married. I know that doesn't make a difference to some people these days, but to folks of your mom's generation, it does and she's a big part of your life, too. (I don't even want to think of what planning your wedding would be like! If your relationship with Grant solidifies and a wedding becomes a reality, you mother really should accept your decision as an adult, rejoice in your happiness, bury the hatchet and treat Grant like she would any guest in her home if not a true son-in-law. If she never reaches this point of acceptance, try to love your mother anyway, knowing that she's doing the best she knows how to do.

As for Grant, I think that it's terrific that he's not forcing you to choose between your family and him. He sounds like a very patient and understanding man.

Answer 2

I'm older than you, but younger than your folks...and I'm also a parent. As a parent, we want the best for our children and sometimes it's hard for us to see our children make their own decisions and LET them go their own way. In the situation of the reunion, it sounds like your mother is making this more about HER and how SHE feels, rather than hearing (and I mean REALLY hearing) how YOU feel.

I've been there...and I can tell you, there is nothing you can do to change your mother's mind other than showing her how much you and Grant are made for each other. Age is nothing but a number and if the two of you relate well with each other and you're happy (which is most important), that's all that matters.

Me? I'm a risk taker...I would bring him. I don't think you should deprive yourself or Grant from being around the rest of your family just because Mommy doesn't approve. It may be awkward, but if Grant also shows how much he cares for and loves you, perhaps it'll ease your parent's mind a bit.

A helpful tip: Treat your relationship with your parents like a business. Remove the emotion. Don't beat yourself up because your folks are afraid of how things LOOK. Who gives a s#!t? Yanno? It's YOUR life in the end...live it the way you want to...and if this relationship (in the end) is a mistake (and I'm not saying that it is), then it's YOUR MISTAKE TO MAKE. You live and learn...

Best of luck with this my dear...you'll be fine...be strong.

Answer 3

I am sorry for this. Don't go to your reunion. Tell your mom and dad how you feel and what you think. Tell her that if she doesn't want Grant to go that you will not go either. Tell her that you love her, but that you have feelings too and so does the man that you are with. It's touchy because it's a question who is first love of relationship or love of family. Realize that it doesn't have to be one or the other. Your mother and father will eventually break down if they want to continue being in their life. You just have to tell them how foolish it is to look at something so meanial as age.
Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Even though you feel your parents should not meddle into your personal business (and they should not since you are 21), it would be highly disrespectful to ignore their wishes.

This situation is a set up for a big let down for you. Sorry to say, you don't have anything in common with a 40-something year old man... and after you've been with him for a few years, the interest will wane.

He will look like an old man, and believe me, you will be looking the other way.

Experience has been my best teacher.