How to deal with an extremely resentful 15 yo daughter?

Question

She's been like that for more than a year. She messed up, joined bad crowds and we had no choice othe than give her a harsh punishment, she was grounded from almost everything for several months. She changed her behavior and even agred she had messed up, but goty extremely resentful cause she thinks the punishment was too harsh and long and she was sincerely sory and we didnt trust her. She talks to us only when necessarym hates our presence. She doesn't get in troubles, doesn't break rules, is an excellent student, has many activities, even volunteered to help in our church. Everybody likes her, but at home she's always resentful, does her best to avoid us. We tried to talk, said we love her and wanted her best, but she doesn't change. This has been extremely hurtful to us and has disturbed our lives, though she doesn't get in troubles. She says it's her right to be like that, is doing nothing wrong and asked her to respect how she is. I don't what to do, this is a hard situation.

I'm afraid this thing will go to her adult life and it'll be impossible to have a good relationship with her again.

Answer 1

i really doubt you will never have a great relationship. just give her time and space. she's an angsty teen. just keep trying to talk to her. she will see when she is older you did the right thing for her.

Answer 2

When my daughter was 13, we didn't get along well at all. We fought about everything, she thought about living with her dad, and I thought about handing custody over to him. It lasted about a year and a half, but now we get along better than we ever have ... we actually like, as well as love, each other now. I can't and won't put the entire blame on her, though. I was trying to raise her the way I was raised (which was strict) and expected her to conform to my demands and expected her to take it without any complaints. After a few sessions of parenting classes, I realized that I was trying to break my daughter's will. Now that I've slacked off, we respect each other a lot more. I'm not saying she doesn't have rules, but she has more independence than I had at her age, and so far she's made some excellent decisions for herself.

Also, I'm not implying anything, but how is your marriage? If a couple is having marital problems, sometimes a child (usually the oldest) will act out to divert the attention away from the marital problems. It isn't intentional, but it seems that it happens this way. I really don't mean to offend you with this question ... really. If you have a great marriage, overlook this question.

Answer 3

Sandra turn the clock back to when you were 15 years old. Certainly you were probably a lot the same (as this is normal at your daughter's age) and you turned out just fine and so will she. In future years you will all laugh about these same things that you are fighting about today. She is at a stage where she still needs mom and dad but is trying to act adult like at the same time. If she is running with a bad crowd fact is that you did her a favour, although she won't recognize this for a couple more years. Best of luck to you and all involved.

Answer 4

I understand how hard this is, as have also experienced the same thing.
My daughter is now 32 and is not talking to me.
Looking back I think it is best to just get on with your lives and ignore her, for a while. The more you make a big thing out of this the bigger it can get. That is hard to do but I wish I had done that.
Don't let her know that she is upsetting you, be polite to her, but do not expect any thing from her in relationship terms.
It will then come right.
Respect how she is, at the moment, like your daughter has asked you to.
All the best! Take care of yourself.

Answer 5

Hi..

i have been through this sort of thing with my older son, who had a rough time with his father and then became rebellious in teenaged years, bad crowds, the entire thing. I don't think this is uncommon..

At your daughter's age, I feel many kids find their friends and social lives more important than family. Not that they really ARE more important, but this is what seems to be at the top of their list. As parents, they may see everything we do as wrong and feel that we are out to control them, and mess up their lives.

While you and I know this isn't true, it's a phase many of us go through struggling with feeling like an adult, and craving independence one minute, and then feeling like a little kid wanting to play with toys. It can be a confusing age, for sure.

I enforced rules with my son, and didn't allow him to run me. I expected him to help around home, and i did let him do things with friends... couldn't keep him in my sight 100% of the time, and i had to let him learn from his own mistakes sometimes, as well.

I know that, eventually your daughter will come around. She will mature and grow and start feeling like she has a little more control in her own world.

My son has a family now and is a successful person. Your day will come, too.

Take care...

and if you think your daughter needs someone to talk with, ask her if she'd like someone.... lots of good therapists out there who specialize in helping teens get through rough patches.

Answer 6

This is what teenagers do best. Don't cave in to her demands, because once they take the power, it's hard to get it back. More than likely, she will get over it as she gets older. Have you sat her down and told her how much you love her, and how much it hurts you when she treats you like this? You can't make her change, but you can give her some things to consider and hopefully she will take a step back and look at how she's behaving. Unfortunately, most teenage girls are like this at some point.

Answer 7

Whoop her *** and make her realize without you as parents.. she is never going to be successful. I grew up from an Ethnic background.. The way my dad was with my sister... would surprise most girls out there.. She got her *** whooped for stupid ****.. Couldn't date til' she was 21. She is now 28, married, I love my bro-in-law.. The best man she could have ever married.. and til' this day.. I have heard personally her thanking my parents, and dad for being the way they were.. strict and consistant.

Coming from a young adult myself.. Grounding does not help nothing. You have to reach them from inside. You lay the rules down.. or its an *** whooping. When I say that I don't mean abuse by any means... I never see grounding ever working. When I got the ethnic smack to the mouth.. thats where it hit me. I am a better man for it.

Answer 8

from my side of the story she seriously wants her privacy. you have no clue about the pressures of school. if your 100% sure shes sorry then she just wants to be alone an b herself. at 15 you barely no who you are. when i was 15 i was exactly the same way. now a couple of years later i got over loving my friends and hating my parents. now i love my friends but my parents are cool and we can joke about adult things. dont treat her like a baby. give her a year and if your stressing and bugging your just pushing her farther and farther away. dont do any thing harsh because she will think you think she is a baby. this is a phase and it does passes

Answer 9

It sounds like you're doing the right things already. Keep telling her you lover her, tell her you are proud of her and praise her when she does good things. And prayer always helps.

I bet someday she'll understand why you had to punish her like that. It will just take time. Most people I know changed their opinions of their parents once they got older. I know I did.

Answer 10

im 17 and i would honestly tell you not to worry about it.. i went through the same stage.. my mom always said.. "why are you so nice you everyone else but you hate us?" its because your our parents. When your 15 you think you know everything about life and you think your ready to make your own decisions.. you want to be your own person and you want your parents to just leave you alone! just tell her when shes ready to talk , you'll be the first one to listen.. trust me shes just being stubborn and probally actually feels bad that shes treating you this way.. she doesnt want to admit it but she knows what she is doing is wrong but she doesnt want to give you that self satisfaction.. this is the exact same way i was.. then i grew up and learned i actually WAS going to be on my own soon and realised i dont know as much about life as i thought.. honestly if i could go back 2 years and relive them i dont think i would have treated my mom the way i did.. its all just apart of growing up.. give her space.. i promise she'll come around.