What To Do About Feeling Betrayed By My Church?

Question

I grew up in a strict Christian home and gave myself to Christ and was baptized at 13. At 15 I realized I was gay. Since I was very young, I have always been kinda "soft" for a boy. I love art, music, dance more than sports and stuff and when my peers were getting crushes on girls, I just didn't get it. When I finally got my first crush, it was on a boy. I was so ashamed. I kept this secret till I was 16. But my parents must have known I was "different" and confronted me. From 16 to 17 I have been in a conversion ministry. Today, I am still not attracted to girls and still attracted to boys. I am heart sick and I am too afraid to tell my parents all the praying, tears, fasting and therapy and their hard earned money didn't work.

But most of all, I feel betrayed by the whole experience. I feel hurt. I know my parents, pastor and the church genuinely feel they are helping. But its like they are blind to my suffering. They only care about what makes THEM feel comfortable. Worse yet...

I have been doing some searching on my own on my situation and what I am finding out makes me so angry.

Medical and professional research shows religious led conversion ministries that claim to have “rehabilitated hundreds of thousands” of gay people have no adequate documentated proof.

Most refuse to use standardized sexual response tests and psycho-analysis to determine whether they really have changed people's orientation.

The suicidal feelings I experience and depression and eating disorder (I am battling anorexia) could be a direct result of this conversion therapy. The American Psychiatric Association Board of Trustees unanimously oppose conversion because the potential risks are great, including depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior and counsellors' prejudices against homosexuality worsens self-hatred already experienced by gay people like me.

I keep asking if my pastors truly have compassion for me why would they harm me like this?

I don't want to lose my faith completely. I wish I could forgive and just continue on but every time I am around people in my church, I feel like its about what THEY want to feel comfortable around. They do not want me around if it reminds them I am gay. They do not want to see my suffering. They just want to see me smile and pretend everything is alright.

When I try to vent my feelings, it's always, "You do not have enough faith. You are letting the Devil discourage you."

I am thinking just now I will be 18, I have the chance of going to a good college. I can just lie low, pretend like the therapy worked and just move out on my own. I feel like I have no choice.

I have met a few other gay people who were in the programme with me and they are doing the same thing. But I don't want to have this anger in my heart towards my parents and my church. It's like I have been living a lie all this time to satisfy THEIR comfort zone. How to let this go? How to mend my relationships?

Answer 1

Join the real church of Christ, the Orthodox Church.

Answer 2

I smell troll! ;-/

Sorry, reparative (not conversion) programs and therapies are voluntary, not mandated via parental and/or pastoral referral. Only gay activists use this term "conversion", not folks in reparative therapies! I think that your ploy here is down right shameful, manipulating other kind-hearted folks' emotions inthis way, to get your sympathy; very sad, as well as evil, indeed.

No leaders from Exodus, NARTH, or any other organization under PATH, the umbrella organization for reparative therapies and programs, will take a client unless they are the one who is seeking help. This is called the ethic of the promotion of the client's self-determination. Btw, this is an ethic that many gay activists who promote gay affirmative therapies refuse to abide by, since their propaganda is more important than respecting the client's own goals and desires for the direction which the therapy should take place. So who's refusing to respect whom? And, who's discriminating against whom?

Now, let's get into what is really true about the effectiveness of these ex-gay programs and reparative therapy. I am a psychologist, a member of the APA, and I know for a fact that the GLBT caucus has taken over the APA's political guild particularly in order to propagate their political message, which is not a scientific one, mind you. There is NO room there for any disagreeing or dissenting and informed member, like myself, of the APA, therefore objectivity is greatly wanting on this committee. So, what do you expect this rouge-style APA committee to say about reparative programs and therapies, other than claim them to be disreputable via slanderous epithets, such as using the word "conversion"?

To prove my point, what research is there indicating any extenuating harmful evidence to back these spurious claims? And, what evidence is there for reparative therapy not to be efficacious in any way? I tell you what, I got evidence to the contrary. Look up Spitzer's study from 1999, who used to be a president of the APA, and the very person most responsible for removing homosexuality from the list of disorders in the DSM in 1973, and he has found that everything you are saying here is completely wrong. Then, there is the recent Jones and Yarhouse study of 2007. They have found uneqivocally that there isn't this harm being done that gay activists claim, but rather great benefit, and that there is an actual 51% evidence of change to the those in the first year of the Exodus programs, who were classified as "truly" gay when they entered it.

Lastly, these "standardized sexual response tests", such as the MRI Test, are not standardized at all. Their reliability levels toward accuracy, and validity, are known to be in question. You need to be seriously reinformed about the truth regarding psychological tests and mental health matters. I suggest at least broadening your information base to include anything outside your obviously pro--gay activist diet of propaganda.

So, I suggest that you cease and desist from attempting to spread this atrocious misinformation campaign, else you will be exposed as being a proponent of spin and lies, and not the truth. Your self-serving manipulative plan is now officially busted!!!

Answer 3

From everything I have read about these conversion ministries, they aren't helping anyone but their own pocketbooks. You are right... there is no evidence that what they are doing is actually "converting" anyone.... Just how the hell do you convert someone's sexuality anyway? That's like saying you can run someone through these ministries and convert them from loving their parents... You can't convert someone's emotions. They should be sued for trying to practice what they call "medicine" but it is really brainwashing and causing more harm to their "patients" than anything else.

If it were me, I would tell my parents, not just that it didn't work, but that it won't work and it has been proven that it won't work. I would also make sure I would tell them exactly how it has made me feel, including any depression, etc... Just seems these people are more worried about "snatching you from hell" than they are about your Complete Well-Being. You will have to take charge of this... you can't live FOR other people. Life doesn't work that way.

Answer 4

You need to get out of that community and be true to yourself. You didn't say how old you are, but at 18, if you can, just move away. I grew up the exact same way and my parents still to this day do not know I am gay. They would never understand and I don't see the point in making a big family fight occur. Just get away, do your own thing and stay the way you are. You will be much happier when you find a community that accepts you gay, straight, or whatever. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I can understand the feeling of disappointment, even betrayal, by the priest, but not with The Church. The Catholic Church was The Church founded by Jesus Christ and is based on His teachings. This priest is a person, just like you or I, and can (unfortunately) fall short of perfection at times. Yes he did wrong and yes he has things to answer for. But that is not the fault of The Church.

Answer 6

My heart goes out to you so much!

More people like you need to speak out against these organizations. An ex-gay organization was shut down in Tennassee after the State Mental Health Board intervened to protect the vulnerable from abuse, malpractice and neglect.

Patients were in a facility that claims its therapy — including the unauthorized dispensing of prescription drugs and involuntary confinement cures homosexuality when no such evidence exists to prove such.

It is a money making scheme taking advantage of gay people who hate themselves because they were raised to believe being gay is shameful and it also takes advanatage of parents who also do not know any better.

You seem to have much resilience despite suffering so much. I wish you all the best in reclaiming your life and living as you are meant to live. I hope you find love, acceptance and peace of mind out there.

God bless.

Answer 7

Have you ever visited an Episcopal church? It sounds like you are part of a "fundamentalist" church such as Baptist. Episcopalians are usually much more understanding of issues like these and actually do have a gay bishop (as you may have heard through reading the news).
While not condemning or condoning anyone's sexual preference it sounds like gay is "who you are" and it seems unfair to expect you to "convert". You deserve God's grace and we are ALL "unperfect" in one way or another. Plenty of straight people myself included have had sexual transgressions with the opposite sex and no one has placed me in "conversion ministry"!!!
It sounds like you are still quite young and probably cannot yet make your own church choice, but when you are old enough I hope you consider the Episcopal church.
Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Well, you are older than 17 so soon you will be able to be living on your own. Your parents can accept or reject. That is something they will need to decide about. You though need to live your life as you see fit. It is not anybody's life but yours to live. If it is as a gay man that is what it is. If that is who you are then accept that.
If you try going against your true nature you will only find yourself struggling and causing yourself unnecessary suffering.
This answer is not about your sex preferrences, it is about how to live a full and meaningful life. You can only do that as you, not as a role you are playing.
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If they are denying your statements about who you are they are denying you, and your right as a human to be who you are. That likely gives you extra problems in addition to normal teenage control issues.
If you are doing the research you might find that anorexia can be thought of as a misdirected attempt to achieve contol over what you eat and your body when your control over your own life has been thwarted.
If you are going suicidal or anorexic it might be time to move out on your own anyhow. It is awfully rough out there sometimes.
But if the choice is your life then that comes first.

Answer 9

Well... to put it quite bluntly, I believe very firmly that your parents, pastor and church are wrong. I'm sure they have the best of intentions, but they are wrong. It's very sweet that you feel bad for all of the money yur parents spent trying to "cure" you, but the people that SHOULD feel bad about this are the ones who took their money to begin with. It would be like having them give their hard earned money to some "doctor" who said he could make you sprout wings and then feeling bad that it didn't work.

Just know that the world is full of people who will accept and love you for you without asking you to pretend to be someone else. I suggest that you seek a church that can do that.

Good luck to you!!

Answer 10

You have to be true to yourself, first and foremost. If you're not you'll be miserable.

Please see a medical profesional (if you aren't already) outside of this religious organization for your depression and anorexia.

I don't believe your parents and pastors set out to harm you. They are blinded by their prejudices and can't see how much you're hurting. It's not that anyone is "at fault" here, but now that you're begining to see things clearly it's up to YOU to take responsibility and get help for yourself and take care of yourself.

Don't worry, there are many people who accept you for who you are. Your parents will always love you, even if they don't understand.