The service last night was about forgiveness, but how do you forgive people like my birth dad and uncle?

Question

i'm adopted and my birth dad abused me in every way possible from ages 6-10. i hate his guts. and my birth dad's brothers (my real uncles) also took advantage of the fact that i was a young girl who couldn't defend herself and they were drunks who couldn't get a girlfriend, so they used me. I hate their guts also. i hope they all burn in hell along with my adoptive father's brother who is such a jackass to his baby son. and also uncle jackass's girlfriend. so that is 5 people that i hate. the service at church last night was about forgiveness and the verse (i don't remember the passage) said something like if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you/ i became a Christian when i was 12, and since i refuse to forgive these people, does that mean that God didn't forgive me? i want to forgive them, but i don't know how. my dad and uncles are in jail (i'm allowed 0 contact with them) and U. jackass and his gf should be in jail (but they're not, yet...) help!!!!

Answer 1

Forgiveness is over-rated. You really can't just cut off what emotions you feel. You can try to understand why you feel them, but in this case it seems fairly obvious. Hopefully, you've prosecuted them to the full extent of the law.

Christianity tends to treat everything as a black and white issue. It paints everything as either good or bad. In truth, most things are in the middle somewhere.

When you meet someone, they are a fellow human being and there is some reason there to give them a basic level of respect. After that, the person can either gain more of your respect or lose it. It sounds like many people have not only lost your respect but have done things to make you actively hate them. There is nothing wrong with recognizing the fact that you have no respect for those people. Your emotions and values are your own.

The trick is getting on with life and not obsessing about what others have done to you. They're in jail. That's good. Now, how valuable are those people to you in your life? Are they really worth thinking about anymore? Probably not. If you base your life on what they've done to you, your giving them more value than they deserve. You hate them for good reasons. That's fine, but try to focus on other things in your life. You don't have to spend time each day thinking about how much you hate them. Just forget them.

Answer 2

To be in line to receive God's forgiveness we must forgive others. More than likely, the following are some of the scriptures quoted in the service last night. (Matt. 6:12; Matt. 5:7; Eph. 4:1, 2, 32; Col. 3:12, 13.)

However, there is another reason why the Bible recommends that we be forgiving. It has to do with loving ourselves. As the apostle Paul so well stated it: “No man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it,” which care is an expression of man’s love for himself.—Eph. 5:29; Matt. 22:39.

Since we do love ourselves, we would not want to burden ourselves needlessly, would we? Yet that is what we are doing when we nurse grudges and refuse to be forgiving, for as one person wrote: “A grudge is too heavy a load for any man to carry.”

Wisely God’s Word counsels us: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Eph. 4:26) A deliberate effort should be made to write off the wrong and restore the fractured relationship as soon as possible, the very day the rupture takes place, if possible.

To forgive involves letting go of resentment.

***There may, however, be instances, such as in your case with your birth father and uncles, where you are not even obligated to forgive. No victim of extremes in unjust or cruel treatment should be forced to forgive an unrepentant wrongdoer.*** Heb 10:26-31; Ps 139:21, 22

But in most cases when others sin against us, we can forgive in the sense of letting go of resentment, and we can forget in the sense of not holding the matter against our brother at some future time.

You might also enjoy the following article, it discusses the Benefits to making Peace.
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20050301/article_02.htm

Answer 3

You can forgive but I don't know if you will ever forget. I can hear your pain through every word you wrote. I'm really sorry that there are such sick people in this world. I think forgiving them is what makes you the stronger, wiser, person. They can't hurt you anymore. Ask God to give you the strength to deal with your past. My stomach turned as I read your story and I am really trying hard to get you to another place in your mind and your heart. You need to really work on yourself to allow only the good to come into your life. The hateful feelings are normal but holding on to the hate can stop you from moving on with your life. Don't allow your birth dad and uncle to keep haunting you. They are not worth it. The more you push them out of your mind and your life, the more you get ahead. I know that none of that is easy but you can do it. Maybe your prayer could sound something like this, Heavenly Father, I don't understand why the horrible things in my past happened. I feel hurt and angry and even feel hatred towards these people. Please help me. Release me from the pain they put me through so I can move on with my life. Give me the strength to forgive and take away my bitterness. Help me allow all the good to come into my life without these haunting memories.
You have the power girl. It's all up to you now to show yourself that what you went through is not going to ruin or rule your life. You have your whole life ahead of you don't let your past be a part of that. Little innocent girls that were abused, grow up to be strong women that take control of their lives. Keep proving that and it creates a bond with all women that went through your same situation, which is much stonger than any power an abusive person had over you. It now makes the abuser the powerless one. I hope you understand what you have to do. I'm telling you this, You are a strong, beautiful, young woman that is worthy of peace and happiness. Don't ever except anything thing less than that. Take care.

Answer 4

You know what? You are obligated to feel what you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with how you feel right now, and also how you even ask this question! I admire the fact that you even ask such a question! That means that you are already on the right road that God has set in front of you.

The very best resource I can possibly give you would be a paraphrase of a message from Ed Young http://www.edyoung.com

He has an awesome talk called "Forgiveness: The Real F Word." I highly recommend you see or hear it.

Don't feel guilty for not being able to forgive them right now. Feel joyful that you are willing to try what is best. God doesn't demand instant alignment with his word, he only wants you to look toward him for the solution.

One day you will be free of the weight of your anger, and the sins they committed to you. One day you will be able to give them over to God. I believe in you!

Answer 5

I am not a christian in any way shape or form, but I can tell you that forgiving is not about them and is about you.

If you keep hating them then you are stuck in the suffering from what they did. You are unable to live your life as completely as you should. In effect it means they are still hurting you.
By forgiving yourself you can quit the victim part of it.
Don't forget it. You can still find them hatefull if you need to. But if you keep living the past and wishing it different you are trapped. So accept that it all happened, that it was not your fault and yes, that they were monsters.
That part of it is done and over now. You can not change it.
You can set that bundle of problems down though, beside the path of your life, so to speak, and walk on. If you ever need those old rags again they will be where you left them.
Then go ahead with your life as it is now.

Answer 6

Forgive so that you can heal.

As long as you hold on to the hate, they still have control over a part of your life. The anger will always be there if you do not, eating at your peace and contentment for the rest of your life. Why give them that power?

You can't forget, but you can forgive, even when they do not deserve it. Forgiving does not condone their actions. It means that you understand that they are the scum sucking low life that they are, and that you can be the bigger person and rise above it and their influence on your life.

It is like getting rid of some evil and unclean spirits that are haunting and vexing you. The Holy Spirit can and will help you in this. Ask and pray, then wait and see.

Answer 7

Rose,
You do NOT have to physically forgive them face-to-face. In time You may be able to mentally forgive them. I believe that we are all incapable of ever earning our way into heaven. We are allowed there through the Father's Grace and HE will send a Righteous Judge, Jesus CHRIST to make that decision. I had a difficult time with forgiveness when I was younger and I have been able to get past those feelings but I do not believe the acts were nearly what You went through. GOD will assist You if You ask HIM for that help in time. HE has done so many wonderful things for me that I am very blessed. I pray that this makes sense to You. Have a wonderful week and a beautiful LIFE in CHRIST!
Thank YOU,
Eds


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Answer 8

Unfortunately in life, there are times when we are hurt and harmed by unscrupulous people cos of our weaknesses not being able to defend ourselves. They exploit the situation and take advantage of our vulnerability. Remember that you were an innocent victim. Enough harm has been done, it is time to move on. You cannot be lifted and move on if you let the past have a bearing on you. You need to let it go and how do you let it go? It is through forgiveness. Once you forgive, you are free of the bondage that hold you back. You are afraid to trust, you are afraid of relationships, you are afraid to love ... all because you are afraid to be hurt again.

I hv gone thru child abuse and spousal abuse. I learned to forgive and I was freed. I found new love and started a new life all over. I have so many dreams that i want to build with my husband and children. I know life has so much to offer. With Lord in my heart, He has set me free .... with HIM i learn to forgive.

My best friend told me... the trait she admired me the most was my capabiltiy to forgive and she has learnt it from me and cldnt stop telling me how lifted she has been since then. She has benefited alot from it.

Answer 9

Un-forgiveness has negative effects on the person who does not forgive. In other words, you're only hurting yourself. The people who did you wrong don't even give it a second thought. Your un-forgiveness does not hurt them in the slightest. I'm sure they don't miss a minute's sleep at night and they probably don't think about you at all. So all this time you are churning inside with bitterness toward them, you only damage your own life and your relationships with others who had nothing to do with it.

That is why we forgive others. Not for their sake, but for our own and for the sakes of the ones we love.

Answer 10

Some things you can't forgive. With therapy, time, and work you may be able to come to a place within yourself where you are able to forgive the people, either through understanding or pity for them, but you may never be able to forgive the actions. Nor do I think you should--it damages your sense of self-worth the say to yourself "I should just write off these horrible things that happened to me." You shouldn't--you should always remember to remind yourself that you're better than that and that you deserve more respect from people around you. Forgiving the people, however, can simply mean coming to terms with what happened to you and deciding to never, ever let these people darken your life ever again.

Answer 11

Forgiveness is more of letting go than action on your part. Your negative emotional reaction locks you into the trauma, especially the past. Welcome to the club, we are all conditioned to react to stress (evil) in this way.

One thing that helps and gets you in the right direction is see how these two people were driven by something evil that consumed them. In a sense, they were not their true selves. People are driven by evil things. They are really taken over by something and they are essentially slaves caught in a downward spiral.

You don't have to have any contact with these people. Time to start healing and rebuilding your own independent life. When the negative emotions rise, step aside and let them pass, then move out of a patient and compassionate way. Remember, these people are consumed by evil and may eventually perish through no fault of your own. They don't need your condemnation. It's already there. have pity on there self destruction. Not everyone recieves God's grace.