I'm going to be a step-mom for the first time. To, Two 7 year old twin boys. Any advice?

Question

I've never been a parent before and their father and I are both in the army.... Heres the twissed, I have never met them before , for the simple fact I've been on a deployment for the past 10 months. I have two more months left then we are going to all move in together... Crazy situation , I know. Heres another twissed, their father is 20 years older than I am, but very much in love....

PS, Im not trying to replace their mother (even though shes not a very good one)
Please do not get the wrong idea.

Answer 1

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Answer 2

ok well I kow what you are talking about. I am a step mother of a 5 year old girl and a 7 year old biy. there mother was killed in a car accident 2 years ago and I can in there lifes 1 year ago. Here is where all the twisted come from me the boy is very demanding of his father and does not allow his dad to spend much time with anyone else. When me and the father try to get close he cries and get upset. One other thing is they will not sleep alone. So my marriage is hard when the kids don't help. The next marjor thing is they call me mom, the girl does not even remember her mom and she only the son remember what she did wrong to him while she was in his life. So we dont forget about her, we just dont' talk about it much....

Answer 3

First of all thanks for protecting us.
Secondly, the kids are still young so it'll be easier for them to like you. If you treat them fairly, leave most of the discipline up to their dad and show them you care, things will be fine.
My dad has dragged my brother and I through 3 step moms. I'm 22 now, so I can look back and see what the differences were between the good stepmom and bad ones
Good, she never pretended to be our mom. Had a friendly relationship with my mom. She took care of us and still does now. She listen when I confided in her and gave her opinion in a nonjudgmental way. She was just positive adult influence in my life that showed that she cared about me.
The bad ones yelled at us all the time, didn't spend any time with us and treated us like a package that came along with the man they wanted.
I wish you the best with your new family.

Answer 4

Hi Hon.

You will have to realize that this will be a big adjustment for the kids, and as another answerer said -- patience.

The kids might feel you are great, or look at you as "the enemy" -- it's hard to tell.

One thing that i'd like to mention, is that it will be very important for your husband to spend time together with the kids by himself.... they will likely need reassurance that they have not been 'replaced' because you are around.

I think that, if you look up HOW TO BE A GOOD STEP PARENT, or STEP PARENTING on yahoo search, you will find some articles.

take care...!!

and thank you for protecting our country.

Answer 5

It might not be that bad since they are so young. Its easy to win affection from little kids. Just be nice and take them somewhere special just the 3 of you.

btw i just have to say thanks for serving in the army! You guys do a great job!

Answer 6

They are way too young to know about their father and yours age difference, so that wont matter. Remember one thing, you could never take the place of there real mother. so dont even try it. Try and be friend at first by gaining their trust. Talk to them and find out what the differences are between the two and get to know them.

Answer 7

im a stepdad too my 19yr old "son".i came into his life when he was 8yrs an now he tells all his mates that im the best dad ever!!lol,anyways this is what i did.......i did not try too be his dad,instead be his friend!even tho he was a typical boy an naughty,i never smacked him,instead taught him right from wrong.by being his friend you find out what he likes and dislikes,then i would try an do the things he likes or get the things he likes!but made sure he worked for what he wanted like chores,good school report etc..that way you aint really spoilling him coz he earned it..but basically always tried too have fun with him and at the same time teach him an give him advice when needed,after all thats what bestfriends do for eachother!!! oh by the way his mother was 10yrs older,made no diff,age is but a number!! goodluck

Answer 8

Three things:
A. You're smart to avoid assuming the position of their biological mother. That would've led to feelings of resentment from the kids. However, since you so much younger than your husband it might be easy to become the kids' buddy just so they'll like you. Don't do that, either. The boys need to see that you and your husband are united in all things concerning their upbringing. If you play the role of buddy, they will feel betrayed when you have to discipline them. They'll expect a buddy to be on their side in all matters--even if it means going against dad to some degree. Be a loving, nurturing authority figure in their lives. Don't get caught in the middle as a mediator, forcing the boys to choose between the two adults in the household. It will create a wedge between you and your husband.

B. Also, there may be times that you may feel your husband is putting his sons' lives over yours or that he's not properly handling a situation that involves the boys. Hopefully, (1) he will seek your opinion in these matters and you can parent jointly or (2) you will feel the freedom to share your viewpoint without the threat of being squelched. (Express your opinion only once, though; more than once will be interpreted as nagging.) Since your husband has a longer history with his sons that you do, it will be important to him and to the success of your marriage if you allow him to have the final say-so in these particular matters (provided it's nothing abusive or illegal, of course). He will have deep seated emotional reasons for doing right by his boys as he sees fit. If you prevent him from doing what he feels is truly best for the twins, he could come to resent you or even blame you when/if the boys experience problems later in their lives.

C. One more thing, never speak badly about the ex-wife. She may be an irresponsible flake, but the boys will find this out in due time. When you two encounter each other in person or over the phone, be civil and somewhat friendly yet firm. She will subconsciously realize that if she wants to make trouble, you could quickly become a formidable opponent. The boys may try to play her against you, telling her lies to gain her sympathy, but there's nothing you can do about that. Still when Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday come around, make an effort to help the boys make or select gifts for her. In other words, maintain a reputation of being a reasonable, mature adult who takes the high road of honor and integrity in every circumstance. This will remove many excuses she may seek to dislike you or sabotage your role as a proper authority figure in her sons' lives. When the boys grow old enough to gain a more subjective perspective, they'll respect and appreciate you even more for living the life of a proper role model.

Good luck to you and a million thanks for your service to your country!!!!

Answer 9

ITS GOING TO HARD FOR EVERYONE! I KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE. JUST UNDERSTAND THAT THEY AARE GOING TO TEST YOU AND THAT IS NORMAL. LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU WOULD NEVER REPLACE THEIR MOM AND THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE THERE FRIEND AND THAT THEY CAN COME TO YOU IF THEY NEEDED TO. JUST BE PATIENT AND MAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF AND THE BOYS TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. JUST DON'T LET THEM WALK ON YOU. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY.

Answer 10

just be patient,
loving,
generous to both kids,
and love them.
good luck sis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!