Long read but need advise about daughter and fiance?

Question

Daughter has been living w/fiance for 1 year, going out
total of 3 years. I've had issues with him lying about certain
things, job, education, etc. But he seems to make her happy
so we have been planning a big wedding for April 08. She sent us an e-mail telling us that she has been wanting to tell us something for awhile now but was afraid of
our reaction. He has 2 daughters, ages 7/8 who he and his
parents have been raising (until he started living w/my daughter
1 yr ago). His parents will continue raising them because of school and friends!!?? 1 girl is biologically his the other is
from same mother but not his who he claimed as his own
because of his love!! Well the mother dumped him and her 2 daughters with him and now only sees them once every 3 months!! The wedding dress is bought, the bridesmaids dresses are bought, deposit on hall ($3,800) and photo.
I want to stop the cash flow now, but my husband doesn't want
to allienate our daughter. What should we do?

daughter is age 27
he is age 28

Answer 1

It's her life. You don't pay for a wedding because you approve. You pay because you love your daughter and want her to be happy. She's choosing to be happy with this man.

Answer 2

It wasn't such a long read, and you left out a lot, such as the age of your daughter and her fiance.

Perhaps the man will step up to the plate and raise his daughters. What are you really opposed to, 1. that he has children or 2. that he has lied in the past or 3. that this was kept from you until now?

You are going to do what you most want to do, but do realize that if you cut off the cash flow for this wedding at this point, where so much is in the works, this will create a major rift among the 4 of you.

Answer 3

Is it possible that you can gently suggest some pre-marital counseling? Is the ceremony religious, if so you could approach the minister or priest confidentially with your concerns and ask him or her to intervene, without you haveing to do anything.

The fact that his family has taken in these two children and is providing them with a loving home should say something about their values. One can only hope that his parents provided those types of values to him growing up.

My best advice to seek your own guidance, either spirtually or professionally, to help you better understand how to proceed. That being said, many years ago, while I was pregnant with my son, I found a letter that my Mother wrote to me but never gave me. She had hidden it in her house and obviously forgot about it. It talked about her concerns about my relationship and that I had put everything aside to be with my fiance. She was concerned the he was conceited and wouldn't care for me in the way she thought I deserved. It was a very hurtful letter that I have never forgotten although I never mentioned it to my Mother.

My fiance and I have been together for over 15 years and are getting in about a week. We have a beautiful child together, a home, etc,etc, but I still think about the words from my Mother and how deeply it scarred me.

I would suggest that you don't stop the cash flow but maybe scale it down. When you placea deposit, place the smallest amoutn possible andplace the rest in a savings account. As the person if they are willing to return the deposit, if necesary.

I agree that alientating your daughter is probably what would happen if you were to stop paying but I would definitely use the email as starting point. Open up a discussion about how your daughter would feel if these two girls became permanent full time residents at her new home after she got married?

Just do the best you can and hope that your daugther takes the life lessons you have provided and uses them wisely.

Answer 4

Have you ever thought that maybe this man isn't so bad after all? You just said that the women dumped him and left her two daughters with him. Now at that point he had two options, to not take care of the children or to be a man and provide for them as well as he could. Even though he may not be doing this all by himself, he still chose to be the bigger person and accept the situation. You have to give him some credit for that.

Maybe you and your husband should have a nice dinner with your daughter and her fiance to try and see where he is mentally. It's ok to ask him questions about how he intends to continue with this situation.

The most important thing is that YOUR DAUGHTER is ok with this situation. As long as she supports him and his two children, that's all that matters. You have to let her make her own decisions. You can't pull out on the funds right now, because yes, she will probably pull back from you and you don't want that. You are her mother and the only thing you can do is support her as long as her life isn't in danger.

Answer 5

So basically you have your fiancé who is the father of your daughter and has cheated on you on one hand and your first love who is trustworthy and sounds like he could be a good Dad on the other. It sounds to me as if you basically have a choice between a player and a guy who's husband / Father material. From your daughter's viewpoint you need stability. From your viewpoint you don't want to be in this situation again when another pretty girl comes along. I'm sorry, but while I know you lust after your fiancé, you'd be much better off with your first love. The only problem is that you don't seem to be "in lust" with your first love ? So I think the choice is between your first love.and perhaps looking for another guy altogether (if there's no chemistry). Personally I wouldn't touch your fiancé, he's just going to hurt you and your daughter again. (I think that you know that as well). Remember you don't HAVE to choose one or the other. I hope that I've helped, good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 6

As you stated,"she was afraid of your reaction".I think the e-mail was so she could say her peace w/out being interupted or overwhelmed with the many questions I am willing to guess that you have. There have beeen many times I could not talk to my mom face to face and wrote her a letter saying my peace. My mom would interject,or I was afraid of breaking down so I wrote her a letter instead. In my opinion,the avenue of communication was still open,she heard what I had to say,there was no hurtful remarks from either of us,she would talk to me after she digested what I had to say. It sounds like you want to break financial ties because of the kids,despite the previous lies,you were willing to (help) pay for wedding. Look at the bright side,you are gaining a son-in-law who makes your daughter happy and 2 grand daughters.Get to know the girls,have a girls night out,you,your daughter and the little ones,maybe an old fashioned slumber party or getting together to make something for the wedding such as favers. Since the girls do have a bio mom,maybe your daughter could make them part of the ceramony by giving them a token like a bracelet or charm and vowing to be their for them ,just a little something so they know she accepts them and will be a part of their lives,Robin

Answer 7

She loves him and it sounds like she just wants to make sure that you accept him. Perhaps he hasn't been lying at all... maybe your daughter has known these things all along and was just looking for the best time to tell you. I went through a time where I couldn't even tell my parents I was engaged because I felt it would disappoint them.

I am in complete agreement with the previous response by Ef Ervescence...regarding how she might be able to anticipate your reactions to that information.

In the end, I know I should have just come right out and been honest, but I am fortunate that my family did not alienate me over that.

Everyone has a past and his just happens to be a bit more complicated. Your daughter loves him and if he treats her with the love and respect she deserves, I would suggest continuing to support her. She's going to marry this man...with or without your financial backing. Best wishes for you and your families!

Answer 8

I understand you pain. But listen sweetie, she has known this all along and was afraid of yoru reaction, and rightfully so! You are over reacting and oposing to it all.

Please mom, be accepting. You said it yoruself, he makes her happy. He took a child that is not his under his wing and that shows a lot of love. God gave your him and your beautiful daughter two lovely angels that need love and protection. Open your heart, kids are innocent victims of adults choices. Their own mother doesn't want them/seen then.... doesn't that tell you who is the in the right here? haven't the kids been through enough rejection already???

Question for you mom, isn't your daughter beutiful, kind and sweet? If God put her in the path of those children, is because they need her love and yours too.

Sure, this is not an ideal situation and I agree that the concealment of the truth was not the best decision, but I can guarrantee you that it was her (not him) the one that didn't want to tell you so you wouldn't reject him and the kids and that's why she waited for so long. Ask her this, I'm sure that she was trying to protect him from this.

ACCEPTANCE is the word here. Go on with the wedding and open your heart, He seems to be a nice man, you said it yoruself. Sure, as a mother you want the best for your daughter and perhaps a men with two children seems not to be the ideal situation, but they love each other and they have a family and I'm sure your love and support will mean the world to them.

Open your heart. Be happy, life is too short.

Best of luck

Answer 9

Your husband appears to have grasped an important point: the decision of whether or not to marry in such a situation must be your daughter's decision, even though she may want to discuss various things with you.

After spending three years with him, two dating and one living together, there appears to be a bond between them that supports marriage, and they have a set plan and date to accomplish this in six months, so they are clearly planning a future together.

Lies are not a good thing, but was he lying to you or to your daughter?

Have you considered that your standards may be perceived to be so high that this was done so that you would not make harsh judgment and speak against their choices?

She may have understood you and your beliefs well enough to anticipate a certain reaction upon your learning of the previously hidden relationship details. The fact that your query has been placed before the world suggests that this is at least possible.


You daughter evidently understands the situation and she has accepted it. She has spoken to you of the situation six months in advance of the wedding, so there is clearly honesty on her part.

In her being open with you at this time she opened the subject for at least limited discussion and has provided an opportunity for an improved relationship between her and you.

Summarized, as her parents, you and your husband are providing ceremonial attributes, but the marriage itself is your daughter's decision. Your daughter evidently understands the entirety of the situation, has accepted all of it, including the two girls, and she is prepared to proceed with this as an integral part of her life, but her honesty with you says she has sufficient respect for you that she wants you to also understand it and she wants the relationship with you to be good.

Perhaps you could try to reciprocate?

Answer 10

I'm with your husband on this one. By stopping the cash flow at this point when you have made a commitment to your daughter and her wedding would possibly alienate her and I'm sure, as a mother myself, that's the last thing you want to do. I think it speaks highly of him that your soon to be Son-In-Law (and he will be whether you pay for this wedding or not) chose to raise a daughter that wasn't his, because even though the Mom ran off he didn't have to keep her with him. I wouldn't be crazy about the fact that his parents are raising his kids and I personally think their young enough to change schools and make new friends at this point, but after being essentially dumped by their Mother maybe what they do need now is the continued stability of their Grandparents. If it works for them then that's their choice.

I'm not sure the lies that were told in the past to you about him, but I'm sure most parents could pick apart the man that will marry their daughter and find reason after reason of why he's just not good enough. I know I could ;). You could handpick the perfect guy for your daughter but that doesn't mean they would live happily ever after. All you can hope for at this point is that you raised your daughter right and that she is now capable of making good decisions on her own. Go and enjoy your daughter's wedding and hope for the best. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 11

They have a 3 year relationship.
Then you should not questions your daughters decision.
You need to have the faith in them, that they have in each other. They believe in their relationship, and so, you should also believe in it.
If you pull the rug on your daughter now, you will risk your relationship. It will be very hard to repair, because this is a very important time in her life.
Be a loving supportive mother.

And those two little angels- they could use another loving, caring grandmother. And when they are grown, they will attribute some of thier best memories to you.