How do you make things equal between young parents?

Question

My boyfriend and I have a 4 month old baby together . We are 20 and 21. Yes we are young in this culture, we know that, so you don't have to remind us. We are into natural parenting and breastfeeding, homebirth etc. so we're doing just fine as parents and please don't critique our ability to raise a child in your answer.
About a year ago we moved into a place together, but about a month ago he moved out because he didn't have a job and he was going out too much at night, and because he wasn't being responsible enough.
Since then he has gotten a 9-5 job, tucks the baby in at night and helps give her a bath.

I propose that if my boyfriend gets to go one night then I should get to have a free night as well, in return. What are other ways we can make sure responsibility over the baby is shared equally? What have you done with your partner to make things equal?

Answer 1

right out a schedual a week or few days in advance and if anything changes confirm with your partner and rediscuss schedual.

Answer 2

Wow! I have an 11 year old daughter, I've been a single mother her entire life. Her father was in her life until she was 3. We briefly lived together when she was 2 and tried to make things work. Obviously things didn't work, we were 27 and 30 at the time so I don't think your age always matters. To tell you a little about my life because yours will most likely be the same - I have had 1 serious relationship that my daughter was introduced to at the age of 5 and learned to love as children do. That relationship didn't work out after 1 1/2 years, my daughter was crushed and I have never since had my "night out". My entire life revolves around my daughter, I have friends of course that I've met through my daughters school, girl scouts, tennis, etc. her friends parents. But NO "relationships" with males. I've been OK with this. My daughter is getting to the age now where I feel like maybe I could start going out. It's very destructive to bring people in and out of childrens lives, they take it harder than we do. I've chosen to not do it, I was older than you when I had my daughter so I had already done all the crazy stuff - every bit of it, trust me! Not dogging your age - but, it will be harder for you to be happy with the life I chose.
My life is the answer to your question. I don't know your boyfriend, he may be a great guy, but he's a guy, a young guy and he's never going to see how much you do and sacrifice. Just try to keep him in your daughters life for as long as you can. Find a trustful friend or babysitter for your "night out".

Answer 3

Nothing is ever equal at all times when it comes to marriage and having children. The most important thing is to be supportive of each other. Whoever is in the better position to help with the baby, and household responsibilities at that moment should do so. In other words, when one is not able, the other should take over.

For example:

If you have worked all day, and he has not, then he should jump in and put more effort into the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the child, and vice-versa.

A family requires give and take. There can be no definite dividing lines. Just remember to compromise, be compassionate, be loving, and be very unselfish with your time, your effort and your love.

Answer 4

If you're looking for exactly equal 50/50 split you're going to be in for a harsh reality. Nothing ever gets split that way, especially if you're breastfeeding because there is only one of you who can do that.

Now don't get me wrong because I'm not knocking BFing. I loved doing it with both my DD's and was an extended BFer who went past the 2 year point with both of them. There is a lot to be said for parenting that way.

However, I do have a problem with expecting an everyday 50/50 split of responsibilities. I think expecting that sets up unacheivable expectations.

If your family is anything like mine you have your strengths and your husband (ok boyfriend) has his. You'll have jobs that you do better and he'll have ones that he does better. As long as he can change a diaper and does it when he needs or when you ask him to then don't keep a tally of the exact number of times each of you changes one.

Now going out each one night sounds like a no brainer and I guess it can be. If your baby takes a bottle or eats other foods. However be prepared to put off your outings if she doesn't. I got to go out on a BFing infant exactly once. DH never called me or complained but I found out later that he was on the phone with my mom during the night nearly in tears because our DD wouldn't take any of the bottles of BM I had fixed for them. I had to put off going out because I was the only one who could feed her until she started eating solids really well. That was just a fact of life. He got to go out alone more than I did while the kids were young. He didn't push it and leave us every night or even every weekend because we're really family oriented and enjoy taking the kids along and socializing with them. But he did go out with only his friends more than I did.

Now that the kids are older I have Mom's Nights Out more often than he has nights out with the guys. It just happens that my friends like doing that here and his friends would rather not. But he doesn't feel bad about not going out an exaclty equal number of times as I do and I don't feel guilty about it. We both keep the lines of communication open and both still do tons of stuff with each other (thank God for kids aging enough to sit themselves) and tons of stuff with the girls as a family.

And hey, I guess looking back the 50/50 thing sort of does work out. When you look at it as a long term commitment instead of as a daily tally.

Answer 5

we are 21 and have a 2 1/2 year old son and what we do is every saturday night his grandma has been asking for him so now he goes over there every saturday and we go out together saturday night and that has been working for us and that also gives us time to kind of bond as a couple instead of chasing our 2 yr old around the house

Answer 6

Share all the care. Take turns getting up with baby at night. Have him give you a break when he gets home for work so that you can do whatever it is to relax-hot bath, etc.