My husband can't understand where I am coming from about my mother in law...help!?

Question

My husband's grandmother passed away yesterday, and my mother in law called me to ask me to tell my husband that she died & to have him call her when he gets in from school. We've been married for almost 3 years, and the only time she ever calls me is if she wants me to do something for her, and then plays the "you're a wonderful DIL" card to guilt me into doing whatever it is. My husband calls her back, and she says she'll pay to fly him out to Pennsylvania from Dallas for the funeral, but not me because she doesn't want to spend the money on it. He points out to her that with the price she is paying for his plane ticket, she could easily buy two and even save money using priceline. She calls again today and says she just can't see how she can afford to buy my ticket. It is very obvious that she doesn't want me to go, and I am fine with that. I've tried talking to him, but he just won't believe it and keeps trying to find excuses for her. How do I deal with my husband & mother in law?

maybe I should clarify...I don't want to go, I want my mother in law to pick a way to treat me and stick with it, and I want my husband to get over it and go without me...and for some reason its too much to ask.

Answer 1

You only have one question that you need to be concerned about, and that is whether or not your husband wants you to go with him to his grandmother's funeral. It is really is quite simple...if he wants you with him you need to pay for your own ticket and travel with your husband. If he is comfortable going without you and the two of you are too strapped financially to afford a ticket for yourself, then you stay home and he goes to the funeral by himself. Always remember that you and your husband should always stick together in whatever decisions arise. Extended family is just the icing on the cake, meaning you don't have to particularly like his family, and the don't have to particularly like you. What they do have to do is respect the decisions that you and your husband make. Stick together, allow him to have relations with his family on his own and when and if you decide to join in on family get-togethers then do so only if you wish to.

Answer 2

Your husband clearly understands. Admitting it, is another thing. How do you think it looks when he walks in to his grandmothers funeral that his wife did not go. You will look like an uncaring bit** and he looks like a jerk.

1.If he really wants you there then he should go on line himself and get 2 tickets for the price his mother would have paid for one

2. He can tell his mother you and him are a team and either you both go or he will have to miss it.

3. He can pay her back for your ticket.

Regardless of your feeling for your mother in law this is not about her, it is about the loss of your husbands grandmother.
Play it smart and go for him. Next time she asks you to accommodate her just say your not able to

Answer 3

First of all you are adults, pay for your own tickets! You should be thankful she is paying for at least one.

You are here complaining about not having a relationship with your mother-in-law but what are you doing to improve it? Then you complain because she says you are a wonderful DIL???

All of this is based on your assumptions. You know what happens when you assume something!

I really don't know what you are complaining about! Do you ever look at the good in a situation or you always so quick to blame your mother-in-law?

Answer 4

He needs to tell his mother that if you don't go then he doesn't go. He needs you there with him...My grandmother passed away and my husband couldn't come because he had to work . He was the only maintenance person. Anyway I got back home and told him that work would just have to find some one else, that when I needed to attend another funeral he would be with me
Most airlines will give you a discount if it is a flight to a funeral.

Answer 5

lol my mum is always complaining about her mother in law too. Apparently she would try to set my dad up with other women (while mum was listening)... like sitting at the dinner table talking about 'this lovely young female doctor who lives down the road. Did you know she is single?'. Mum never could get along with her, but things have settled down now (my parents have been married for almost 20 years, so its about time). My grandma still sometimes makes jokes at mum's expense (the sort that wouldn't be offensive if grandma actually liked mum, but just have a nasty undertone when you know the backstory). I think its something you just have to get used to and hope she mellows out with age. It could be worse, at least you don't have to go to a funeral (*shudders*).

Answer 6

Sounds like she really doesn't want you there so if you want to piss her off then pay your own way if you can afford it otherwise tell your husband that you prefer not to go and he can go if he chooses. He will never stop making excuses for her so you can forget that. Be very glad she doesn't live close and as for hubby, well, he may never pop the tit out of his mouth so to speak. Just live your life and be happy, that always pisses off the enemies, lol!

Answer 7

Are you kidding me...your MILs parent or husbands mother (YOUR husbands grandmother) just died and you are ranting and raving? The least you could do is pay half...if not BOTH the plane tickets. She is helping you out by paying for one and you are being totally inconsiderate of that. My advice is to turn your behavior around and become a woman.

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Answer 8

Honey, I feel for you. I was in a similar relationship with my now ex and my mother-out-law (as I affectionately refer to her now.)

I came to realize that he was getting some sadistic pleasure out of triangulating the relationship between me, him & her.
One thing to be thankful for is that you live so far away that you don't have to deal with it on a regular basis.

My ex cheated on me and left me with 2 young kids after almost 20 years of marriage, and his parents seemed to be very supportive of me at first (but I realize now they were picking me for information and just trying to get in good with the kids.) The minute I had the nerve to move on and remarry (to a wonderful sweet Christian man) they began to rewrite history and decide that the divorce was somehow my fault.
I could tell you stories and stories of all the manipulative mind games that woman played (and I was young and naive and fell for way too many of them).

If your man isn't man enough to get his mom told, then that's pretty much what you have to look forward to, because mama ain't going to change. Things will only get worse when there are grandkids involved, and/or whenever her family plans don't jive with yours.

Bold move, but you might tell him that either he needs to stand up for you and stand up to her, or you will handle it as you see fit.

Do you happen to be Jewish or Christian (or are his parents)? You could start by showing him (or her) the verse in the Torah/Bible about leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse. (Apparently this truth was so important that it got recorded in the Scripture several times.)

http://www.biblegateway.com/keyword/?search=man%20shall%20leave&version1=50&searchtype=all

Be very careful about this whole situation--you know how they say "blood is thicker than water"? If he is that much of a mama's boy, the current situation you describe is just the tip of the iceberg.....

Answer 9

By paying for the ticket yourself. She is his mother. He has to see her evil ways for himself.

Answer 10

It sounds like your husband hasn't quite cut the apron strings.
Just stay home away from his silly family... and thank God they are in PA!