Father-in-Law Problems?

Question

I live with my husband and two sons.

Since the time of my marriage I have never seen my father-in-law. He has never visited or written to us. I understand from my husband that he did not approve of the marriage between his son and I. In fact, I understand that he had selected a certain girl for his son but he had to back off on his choice when my husband insisted on marrying me. I can't help but believe however, that it is his prejudice against my tribe that he has not even attempted to see his own grandsons.

I drafted a letter that I will be sending to him regarding my sons' desire to meet him however, I feel that this is just a drop in the bucket towards helping all of us to becone one big happy family. Is there anything else I can do in helping all of us in moving towards being one big happy family?

Please give me some advice on this as I am desparate.

Answer 1

I think the letter is a good start. However, you have to keep in mind that if your father-in-law doesn't like you because of your heritage (whatever it may be) he isn't going to suddenly Start liking you or your sons. If there is no response towards your letter, have your sons write him. If there is still no response, I personally wouldn't concern myself with it after that. You can't make him like you or your sons, even if they are his grandkids. Maybe one day he'll come around.

Answer 2

You have got to get your hubby on your side. How long is he planning to stay - With a 1 bdroom apt. where are you going to put the baby? Ask your hubby this question. If nothing else insist that you find a bigger apt where he can have his own room. Otherwise I would come home from work and go straight to my room and stay there. Make you a sandwich and live in your bedroom for a while - maybe then your in law will get the idea that he isn't wanted. Also you say you work full time so tell your hubby that unless you are allowed to make some decisions then he obviously doesn't need your income. So start keeping your money separate

Answer 3

You didnt state how long you have been married. Nor the distance between your home and his. Also does he have a wife? I am thinking why not invite them for Thanksgiving? Or just a casual dinner some evening? If they are far away then maybe suggest a short visit to see them so that their grandsons can have time with their grandfather. Most of all be patient and dont stop trying. Its frustrating I am sure but your patience and caring will win in the end. Good Luck

Answer 4

You are very generous to extend an invitation to this man who doesn't even want you to exist. Your gesture may open his heart and mind, but don't make it a condition of you having a happy family. You are a happy family without this man. It will be his choice whether he wants to be a part of that happiness.

This man has made control over his son's decisions and feelings more important than his son's happiness. Try telling your father-in-law that you understand that you are not what he expected and wanted for his son, but that you love your husband and sons with all your heart. Tell him that you can't help but believe that you and he would grow to like and maybe even love each other because you have the strong common bond of love for your husband (his son). Tell him that you want with all your heart for him to be part of your family but you will respect his feelings and wishes. Then...wait patiently. Mentally send him love and acceptance as you wait. The reply is up to him. You cannot force him to bow to your wishes anymore than he can force his son and you to bow to his wishes.

Answer 5

Well, all you can do is keep opening your home/family to him and eventually he will need to accept that his son made a choice and if he wants to have anything to do with his future then he has to get over whatever grudge he has against you or your tribe. If you do this you, your husband and children are not in the wrong if he doesn't want to accept the invitation of having a family.

Answer 6

Take a big, deep breath and let go of that desperation.

The fact is that you don't know the man. Your husband does.

The fact is that you weren't raised by the man. Your husband was.

I think it's a good bet that your sole desire regarding the man is for him to have a regular relationship as "grampa" to your kids.

This is up to your husband to set right. All you can do is let hubby know that you're willing enough, and to do what you did by inviting him to be a part of his grandkids' lives.

Don't lose sleep over it. Everyone has the right to be a total butthead if they want to be.

Answer 7

It is sad that your father-in-law lets stubborn prejudices get in the way of him having a FAMILY.... obviously you've been married long enough (you said 2 sons so you HAVE to have been married at LEAST 3 years or more)..... I doubt that any letter would change his mind... EXCEPT, if the boys THEMSELVES were old enough and wrote him and included photos of themselves IN THE letters... You know something like Dear Grandpa, we would like to get to know our grandfather but if you do not want to get to know us---at least here are pictures for you to look at.... It might mean a lot more coming from THEM then from YOU .... If the kids are too little, have them just draw a picture and include their PHOTOS and their drawings in whatever letter you might send him.... but if they are old enough---have the kids write... What I do NOT understand is why your HUSBAND has let this go on for THIS LONG... sounds to me like father and son have identical temperments... and THAT could be a problem later on....

Answer 8

This is another example of things you can't force upon someone else. A letter won't cut it--won't help--it will not be accepted as you intend it. Your husband needs to talk to his father about it--it is a 50/50 thing--but your desire is honorable. It would be nice if everyone got along. Just give it a shot and see how it goes. Be happy with the thought that you tried.

Answer 9

Well the only way you can have peace in the family and be happy is if the olkd fool gets off his high horse and learn to respect his sons wishes just because his son didn 't do what he wanted to bad get over it. But you might have a long time to wait till he will decide to add you and his grand kids to the family just because he can't swallow his pride. No wonder they say old fools die lonely.

Answer 10

Don't mail the letter or make another other conciliatory move toward you FIL without sharing all with your husband.

I think what you want to do is a good idea, but not without your husband knowing and approving.