What do I tell my kids if they ask about their biological father?

Question

I'm separated from my husband of 3.8 years for five mos now. He decided to walk out on us to live a single life. We have 2 children together (boy-2yrs and a girl-almost 3 mos old). He was unfaithful and gave me and our daughter (unborn at the time) an STD (already cured). Doesn't care that he left wife and kids. Doesn't even call to know how they are. Says right now he can't help me to send money to financially support them b/c he doesn't have money. (he only works as a detailer and his income is not steady.) I filed child support but don't really know if they'll get anything b/c he has 5-6 other cases open. I pray and try to not be bitter, but I know I have to be civil for the kids. Cuz I do want them to have a relationship with their father. But right now it seems like he is not interested. How do I handle this?

Answer 1

In my opinion, the kids are better off without him. I will eventually be faced with the same question by my autistic son. He is 6 and high functioning. I am married now to a man other than his biological father who has been absolutely wonderful with him. There's no good answer unfortunately. Its a very touchy subject. I fugure that I'll know when the right time is. I'll know as a mother and when the question pops up all I will tell him is that yes my husband is not his biological daddy but he's his real daddy cause he's been around and that his biological daddy wasn't ready to accept the responsibility of having such a wonderful son like him. All we can do is comfort them if they have a hard time with the facts and hope that if they decide they do want a relationship with their bio father in the future that you taught them all you could in terms of right from wrong and that they have a good head on their shoulders. If your ex hasn't shaped up by the time they are able to decide this for themselves, then I'm sure they'll be able to come to terms with that and move on and they'll know you did the best you could to protect them. Good Luck ;)

Rosa

Answer 2

I would tell them the minimum information until they are old enough to handle the truth. I think kids should know the truth so they don't wonder. Maybe by then your husband will grow up and realize what he has done. If not, maybe your kids should know the truth from you, and they probably will have a good idea already what he is like. I think covering up what a jerk he is will only make you look bad later on. You could tell them honestly that he was a huge mistake in your life, but that you love them very much and they are worth everything that has happened and that you will always have a good life with them because that's what you want for them. Tell them that you can't explain how other people act, but you can always show them that you love them enough to fill any needs that they might have.

Answer 3

Why do you want them to have a relationship with such a horrible horrible person? I don't think you should be encouraging that at all...consider it a blessing that he wants to walk away and not take your babies for weekend. If I were you I would move closer (or in with) your parents and let your dad be the male roll model in their lives (that is assuming that your father is a good man).
I am so so sorry that you married such an immature boy and not a man. It must break your heart that your kids will have to go through this... but some people have dads who never come back from war too.
When your kids ask about him, I would just tell them that he was not a man who valued his family. I would then just really explain to them how much YOU love them and that you are there for them no matter what and you always will be. Tell them that it isn't their fault that he left but that you made a mistake in picking a daddy for them and that you are very sorry.

Answer 4

Tell them the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth and listen to them rather than tell them anything.

Sometimes adults think they know what kids are asking, but we don't really. If your kids ask "Where is Dad?" say "I don't know" or "In Texas (whatever)" and ask why they want to know.

Chances are they could be wondering if he'll be around for their school picnic, and you can say you don't think so but you definitely will.

Encourage them to tell you their thoughts and ideas, but there's no need to let them know the details of the relationship breakdown, it just adds pressure.

As they get older, they WILL figure it out for themselves, and even if they don't like it, if you always tell them the truth, without the editorial, they'll be honest with themselves about the reality of how things are.

I've put a couple of links below to websites that specialise in helping kids and parents deal with issues like family breakdown ~ maybe some of the true stories or articles might be helpful? I have found them to be.

Good luck and best wishes for you and your family :-)

Answer 5

how strange that people fall on opposite sides of these struggles. i dream of seeing my daughter. i still love my
ex, but we have had great turbulence in a short time.
she lives in the u.k. where the laws are insane. she has money. she does not need me. she knows several single
moms who say she owes me nothing. it is the greatest sorrow of my life.

the std thing is really low - nasty - as hard as it is for as to
achieve as human beings, we never regret kindness
or compassion - i need to learn this everyday anew.
as someone who struggles financially and thinks about
it alot especially i relation to my new daughter who lives
in the most expensive city in the world, i would suggest
low balling him - ie - give him a small number that he'll
be able to meet and that might help eliminate any shame
he has about his financial status - it might pull him back
into being a dad and cause him to want to do more.....

if you don't know her work, find pema chodron's book
"when things fall apart" - it is a wonderful book on perception and buddhism - it will allow so much of the pain
to be growth and thereby not in vain....

good luck

be well

- jack

Answer 6

Keep it simple .
When kids will ask about they father try to say the truth but
Do NOT judge your husband behavior.
Kids will grow up and will see for themselves .
Show the kids your love ,
for them you are all they have and know right now, you are the most important person in their life.
Focus on what you can do for yourself and your children.
You are very strong and brave woman .

Answer 7

Wow, what a tough situation for you. Good for you for being forgiving and civil for your children. As you obviously realize, you need to talk about their father carefully, so you don't turn them against him. You're the mom, and you know your kids better than anyone. You know how much they can know and the best way to tell them. Personally, I would try to explain that Daddy isn't able to come to visit. The reasons you give are totally up to you. Just assure your children that you will always be there for them if they need anything. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

You tell them, "It's hard work to be a parent every day, you've got to know all kinds of things & be strong enough yourself to be able to give your kids all of the attention & help that they need. Your dad wasn't ready to do all of that. But, no matter what, he started you both growing inside of me & that is a wonderful thing, even if he never is able to do anything more for you, because you are the best thing in my whole life. So, I'm happy that he could do that for us & I hope that he figures out the rest of his life, someday, too"

Answer 9

When they are older and can handle the truth, tell them. You never know what your life may bring you. My dad was shi& and my mom met another man (who I consider dad) who adopted all of us. When the time came, my parents were honest with me. That just made my respect for my mom and my adopted dad even higher.

If he is not interested, there is no point in hurting the children. It is perfectly normal for children to have a one parent household (just please find them a male figure ie brother, grandpa, uncle, etc). They do not need to know exactly why their dad is gone (until they are a little older and can sort that out)

Answer 10

what a complete asshole. this guy doesn't deserve to be a father. he obviously only cares about himself. It's really hard when kids are involved I mean they have a right to know who there father is and I guess sometimes even though the truth hurts that you do need to be honest about things with them and reassure them that in no way that it's there fault he has left.