My daughter is 16 and we are pretty open in our discussions. She understands the birds and the bees and while I've stressed that abstinence is the best policy, I also discuss that if things do happen, it absolutely better be with a condom. She has told me some of her friends have lost their virginity, and I figure she will too, eventually. She's not seeing anyone so I think we're safe for now, but how can I make sure she is protected when the time comes?
She's asked me what my reaction would be if she came to me and asked for a condom, and I really don't know. The thought sort of makes my stomach churn - she's still my baby - but the alternative is worse. I want her to feel like she can come to me and ask but I also don't want to know. Is there a way to make sure there are condoms available without actually giving them to her and tacitly condoning sex? I'm sort of stuck here and need some advice.
Please no bible preaching. I would like to hear from parents who have experienced this.
2007-10-24 14:01:00 · 20 answers · asked by the_dragyness 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I did take her to the doctor (gyno) and I let the doctor and her have a nice conversation without mom. I didn't ask what they talked about, but I trust the doctor - I asked her to talk to my daughter about the medical aspect of birth control. I'm 99.9% sure she is not currently active but I'm also a realist. I'm just trying to figure out how to go that extra mile to make sure she's safe.
PS - A few years ago, a girl in the neighborhood I had taken under my wing told me she was having sex. Her mother had died and her father didn't tell her anything at all. She asked a lot of questions and said she would continue having sex, so I explained everything I could, drove her to the Walgreens, showed her how to buy condoms and showed her how to use it on a banana. I know it's the right thing to do, it's just a lot different when it's your own kid.
2007-10-24 14:19:25 · update #1
Not a parent (sorry) but my mom actually told me that if I needed a condom all I needed to do was come to her and she would get one out of my father's drawer! She assumed I was already sexually active, as there were boys coming over after school. I was 15 at the time (29 now) and very hot and heavy with a boy at the time. We had not had ended up having sex, but every time we got close, I imagined my mother saying she'd give me a condom if I needed one- that killed the mood entirely.
I would get one condom (either from planned parenthood, or buy a box and only give her one) sit down with her and clearly say you do not want her to do it- that way you are not condoning it. If you clearly tell her your expectations, she knows what you expect and what you approve of. Give her the one condom so that she feels like she fits in and that she has some control over her body should something happen.
2007-10-24 14:13:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
People can say she is too young for sex all they want, I'm sure from your answer you agree. But that doesn't change the fact that some of her friends already are, so it makes it a possibility that she may or will eventually give into peer pressure. There is a lot of that on young people.
As the mother of a teenage daughter I can tell you what I did. I bought a condom when she first told me one of her friends was messing up and having sex. She was worried her girlfriend would become pregnant and what would happen to her etc. I gave her the condom to put in her purse, in case her friend ever needed it, she could help her. I told her if she gave that one away, she was welcome to the others and they would be in the medicine cupboard. Its a tricky road ... offering help without encouraging or condoning, when they are so young. I hope you find some helpful ideas in your answers:)
2007-10-24 21:30:37 · answer #2 · answered by treedle 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I commend your daughter for still be a virgin at 16. A lot of girls loose it at 11 & 12. I lost mine at 12. My mother nor father never talked to me about sex & I wish one of them did.
Tell her how impotant it is to you that she should wait until she's married. Tell her about all the STD's and STI's. Inform her on everything she should know about sex & peer pressure. It sounds like you & your daughter are close. Stay that way no matter what she choose's to do. After my mom found out I had sex, we weren't close anymore & I miss that very much.
I'm not a mother but, when I do become a mother I will provide condoms for my son/daughter & put my daughter on birthcontrol when I also suggest for your daughter. I would rather my son/daughter be protected againt all STD's and pregnancy. Sex is a big step to make. Let her know that once it's gone, you'll never get it back. Look up this one song on either myspace.com, it's call Lyfe- Sex. It's a good song & it has a lot of meaning.
Good-Luck, hun. Your doing a good job & all you can to talk your daughter into waiting. It's a good thing.
2007-10-24 21:25:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like the suggestion about "leaving them there" and if she needs them she will get them. Unfortunately if they are there, chances are she won't use them. If she takes one she knows that you'll assume she's having sex. I think even if you gave them to her she might not use them (as a girl I never carried around condoms and expected guys to have them..when I was young I was super paranoid about getting pregnant, so I knew to use protection). She might just be embarrassed and hide them far away or throw them out. I think it would be best to not worry about giving her condoms. It sounds like you've been a good parent thus far.
Make sure she knows to respect herself. Warn her about what guys might say or do. "If you really love me you'll have sex with me." "I'll break up with you if you don't have sex with me." "Everyone else is having sex, it's not a big deal." etc. I find it sad when I look in the relationship area of YA and there's some girl afraid that if she doesn't have sex with her b/f then he'll dump her.
2007-10-24 22:38:47 · answer #4 · answered by misstsukino 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm 17 and what my mom has told me that she knows I'm at that age where sex is a definate possibility when I'm in a relationship and when the time comes that I want to start having sex with a boyfriend to come to her and tell her... She said she will take me to the doctor and have me put on birth control and she will pay for it...
That way she knows I'm never going to have sex with the risk of pregnancy and I dont need to get a condom from her every time I have sex...
And I personally think that before I start having sex I will ask my boyfriend to get tested for STDs with me, just to be on the safe side, and if he says no, I wont sleep with him, its that simple... And then we wouldnt have to worry about STDs since we wouldnt be using condoms...
I think my mom handled it very well
2007-10-24 21:14:36 · answer #5 · answered by *~*C*~* 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
At least she knows about condoms...tell her that the things you catch today kill you. A shot of antibiotics is no longer a cure. Would you rather her have protection and know how to use it or just go out and do it alone? The best thing is education.
The person who answered above me is not living in the real world. What were you doing at 16? Come on lets be sensible. Is it better to threaten them or educate them?
Furthermore I would suggest having a fun night and showing her how to put them on (A banana or a cucumber) Make it funny that way she won't be embarrassed but will have the facts.
2007-10-24 21:06:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
I know that we always think of our children as "babies", but they grow too quickly.
I would talk with her and tell her that you would like her to go onto the pill, plus to use a condom if and when she actually starts to have sex.
The pill gives 99% protection against pregnancy whilst the condom gives around 80% protection. The condom also gives her protection from STD's. That is why I suggest both.
The pill will also give her a regular menstrual cycle.
2007-10-24 21:10:55 · answer #7 · answered by Walter B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Trust her like you did so far.
Tell her how you really feel about the issue .
Give her a condom, just in case .
Take her to the nice gynecology office with a nice , friendly lady doctor. Together ask the doctor about advise.
Again, trust her and talk to her about boys.
2007-10-24 21:13:02 · answer #8 · answered by chat_noir 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The unfortunate thing about it is that, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can talk to your daughter until you're blue in the face but she is most likely more interested in what she wants to do than what you want her to do, so, in my opinion, the best thing is to just give her the condoms because at least then she'll be protected if she does. The bottom line is, if she really wants to have sex, she'll do it with or without your approval, so you might as well make sure she has protection.
2007-10-24 21:09:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I know it makes your stomach churn--who the heck wants to think of their own daughter having sex??? I don't think providing her with condoms means you're condoning sex. Maybe what you could do is buy a box and leave them outside her door with a note, saying something like, "Wait until you're ready, but these are for when you are." And don't worry--most likely, they'll just sit in her room for a while and gather dust.
2007-10-24 21:07:56 · answer #10 · answered by xo379 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋