Who comes first in a relation? The ex-wife or girlfriend?

Question

My boyfriend's ex-wife is doing everything to make my boyfriend's life hell. I had been dating my boyfriend 7 months, he has been divorced over a year. His family tells me, how psychotic she is and the stories of her and her current actions are crazy. My boyfriend even once told me, when we went on vacation, he suggested different hotels, as to not upset her. I got tired of all the drama and his gripes and fights with her and broke up with him 2 days ago. He got upset and called me insecure and I needed to understand that she is the mother of his child and he will always love her. I expect him to put his 10 yr old daughter above me (and I adore her and aways stayed out of their fighting and remained neutral for his daughters sake). Am I wrong to expect him to put our relationship first? Am I right to break up with him?

Answer 1

You are very wise to make sure he puts his daughter in front of you; however YOU should come over the ex-wife! Unfortunatley, when an ex-wife sees their ex moving on, they start to find all sorts of ways to worm their way in to making sure their ex never gets over her (even if she can move on). Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries. This will be hard, mostly when it comes to the daughter, as she will use her as a vice to constantly call him. But he needs to stick up and set them, when it is appropriate. He also needs to realize you are not her, and complaining about her to you only drives you away, it doesn't make you aware of things that annoy him. He needs to move on and get over it, and set the boundaries, because she won't stop until he does. If he doesn't want to do this, then yes, you will need to move on, because his ex-wife will continue to control your life.

Answer 2

If you aren't happy with how a relationship is then either something needs to be done or it needs to end. I think that since you are (or were) his girlfriend that he should choose you first, because you are with him NOW. You can't life in the past. Yeah, he had children with his ex-wife, but they are not together any more. I think it's important that he puts his daughter as a priority, and he does have to communicate with his ex-wife for the sake of their daughter. And they probably will fight until they both decide to work things out or decide not to talk about those things any more. It's good that you put up with that, because it can be frustrating when a boyfriend is always fighting with an ex.. my boyfriend's ex (girlfriend) goes on these sprees where she just stalks both of us for a few weeks then she stops, but the entire time she yells at him and won't leave him alone and it's very annoying. I don't know the politics, etc. of how your exboyfriend and his exwife get along, but if you can't handle it any more then you can't handle it any more. If he wants to make the relationship work then he probably needs to try to make some changes to make sure you're happy. Talk to him calmly about how you feel and if you guys get back together then great! If not then it's a lesson learned.

Answer 3

The girlfriend is 1st. However the ex and dad have the final say on what the daughter does. With that said:

The ex is manipulating him so bad that he may think this is a normal way to live. If you have tried to help him see he is still being abused by her and he still adjust his life around her, then its time to leave. He is giving her to much control over his life. When a child is involved, the mother will always be involved at some level. And this is a unacceptable level to me too. I am with a man that has been divorced with a daughter too. It came down to a phone call between me and the mom, we (she) came to understand things a little better. Things have calmed down a bit. Its never easy coming into that situation, even if the mom is nice.

Answer 4

He needs to stand up to her and if you can prove the stories his family tells you about her being psychotic, he needs to file for custody of the daughter, and then file a restraining order against the ex wife. On the other hand, the fact that he suggested separate hotels when you were on vacation and hasn't laid the law down to the ex wife makes me wonder if he isn't still in love with her You were right to break up with him and if he wants to get back together get counseling together and plan what you are going to do about the ex wife, whether to file for custody, file a restraining order, or whatever but if he will always love his wife and is willing to put up with her nonsense, there is no room for you in that relationship.

Answer 5

Because he has a child with his former wife, they will always have a tie to one another. This should diminish with time as his daughter grows up and becomes more independent , but there will still be a tie as long as any big event like illness, college, marriage and grandchildren come up.(In other words life) He sounds like a good dad and that may be part of what has drawn you to him. But you sound young, and have not had a "living history" that keeps pulling you back, and he always will. It is apparent that you are unwilling to be second or even third in that relationship and that is fine. I think that his baggage is probably too big of a burden for you to carry and since you have already discovered this about yourself, I think it was wise for you to say so and move on.

Answer 6

No, you are not wrong for expecting him to put the relationship that the two of you have first, besides the relationship he has with his daughter. That is what he should want to do if he wants you to be his girl and if he really loves you. And breaking up with him was definitely the right decision, because he obviously does not know exactly what he wants right now nor does he know his priority or does he know and he just has not made you one of them? I don't know where his head or heart is, but you do so go with your women instincts. But, girl I don't think you did anything wrong.

Just try to figure out what he really wants, and if he says one thing but does the total opposite than believe me you will know what he wants. When I say this I mean if he say he wants to be with you but he keeps doing what he's doing then you will know where his heart his. So in other words his action speaks louder than his words.

Answer 7

You have done the right thing. He obviously still has some serious issues that he hasn't addressed with her yet and had been treating with extreme disrepect. You should come first after his daughter, but by no means should his ex wife determine anything in your relationship with him. EX wife is supposed to be and EX. Stay away he isn't worth it. You deserve better and especially someone who stands up for you.

Answer 8

Well, if there is a child involved I understand that he has to be careful and keep a good relationship with the mother (that actually sounds pretty unbalanced).... I don t think you should feel insecure or leave him for that, but you should have a good talk with him and see what you are able to handle or not...This would be the same scenario with anyone else with a previous family....

Answer 9

You should come second to no one, except the child and even then there should be boundaries because if the daughter decides to take the side of her mom then there is more problems. Communication is the key to all relationships and that is what you need to focus on. He knows the ex is a problem you know it he needs to deal with it another way instead of letting her get to him and you for that matter. I know you're unhappy and if he makes you happy then try to find a mutual way to deal with her if he doesnt make you happy and you feel like this isn't worth holding on to then move on. Good luck with that and weigh all options

Answer 10

The girlfriend should definately come first. He broke up with her for a reason. But then again the child will be there so he'll have to keep in touch. However if you cant cope find someone else. It's all down to you. Dont fight no one you may get in deep trouble.