Should I bother inviting my in-laws? Please read.?

Question

Were planning a formal vow renewal for march of 2011. It's going to be a formal event. With just close family and a few friends.

The problem: My hubby's sister hates me. We don't get along at all. Ive done my best to be civil and cordial to no avail. My hubby wants his sister thereI don't. You can't invite my mil without my sil to an event like this. The other problem is she wanted to be MY moh, and I've chosen someone else in my family (brothers wife). This also added fuel to the fire. I told my husband WHY would I want to have his sister as my moh if she hates me? That makes no sense. He said "to keep the peace". What peace I thought. She's been rude and hateful to me since the day after our wedding. Hubby witnessed it all. He stands by me.

What can I do to make this event drama free other then discluding my husbands sister? SHe is his family. I want him to be happy to.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Kaina,Ty for all of that information. We didn't have any attendants for our wedding. Just called the sil (brothers wife) and told her that it's customary that we don't have a moh.. Called my hubby's sister and left a message and told her the same thing. She just called back and was rude.. YET again. Ty again. ;)

Answer 1

Definitely invite her, you don't want to look like the bad person here - Be the better one, and make your man happy.

And very very few people will cause a scene on someone else's wedding day... if she dares do it, don't worry - every guest at the party will be telling her to shut up, and she will lose face with all of them.

Answer 2

First of all- 2011 is a kind of far out isn't it? In 4 years time- you and your sister in law may have some sort of understanding by then. Not saying you will be best friends but weirder things have happened.

Another thing- I was researching vow renewals for myself and etiquette says that you don't have any attendants like MOH. By not having a "bridal party" at your renewal service- you can quickly eliminate any drama about who should be in the ceremony.

Please see below:

1. Attendants become attendees.

Did you realize that attendants are basically witnesses? Although you may want them at your reaffirmation ceremony or vow renewal, they do not necessarily need to function in an official capacity. Many women will try to recreate their first wedding for a benchmark anniversary. If this is the case, using your original attendants is fine. But, it is better to simply invite them as guests.

http://www.idotaketwo.com/vow_renewal_etiquette.html

2. Even if you want a big and expensive celebration, there are still a few things you should avoid:
Don't have attendants. If you have children, you can give them a special role in the ceremony, but there is no need to designate them as bridesmaids or groomsmen. You may wish to invite your original bridal party and recognize them during the ceremony.

http://weddings.about.com/od/yourweddingceremony/a/VowRenewal.htm

Answer 3

If you are not using a coordinator at least for the ceremony part, I highly recommend it. My brides tell me all the time that part of the reason they have hired me is to keep their in-laws away from them the day of the wedding! Tell your coordinator the situation and let her come up with creative ideas about how to keep these people away from you so you are not stressed by them.

Hubby is partially right & partially wrong. He is right to want his sister there. He is wrong to feel like he is standing by you , but wanting you to compromise on the moh issue to "keep the peace". Trust me, it wouldn't keep the peace even if you did choose her! It sounds like she is just that type of person; you would never be able to please her anyway! If you made her moh then she'd gripe about the dress probably!

Stick to your guns on the moh issue! Let her come, but have your coordinator, a church lady, or a friend who doesn't know the family to be the boss that day & keep her away from you!

Answer 4

She will not be the MOH as you already chose someone to be the MOH.

Invite them, be the better person.

Tell your husband that your MOH is going to be someone who supports you and gets a long with you, and that is NOT your husband's sister!

Congrats on the vow renewal ceremony! My aunt and uncle who've been married for at least 25 years had a renewal ceremony with the works (wedding party, white wedding dress, etc) and it was gorgeous!

Answer 5

Oh wow...I feel for you!!

Here's the thing. I think you're going to probably have to bite down and invite her. There's no way around it. She's someone that is important ( I think that's the way I understand it from your question ) to your husband. As far as her wanting to be your maid ( matron ) of honor, she know she was wrong for that. Don't feel bad about the choice you made. That position is for someone who is close to the BRIDE. Apparently, she doesn't fit that category. I think that ( again ) you'd have to invite her, but hey, you don't really have to talk to her at the renewal. You do you. Be cordial and civil, because at least, you know you've done what you can. Hope this helps and good luck!!:-)

Answer 6

I would at least have her involved somewhere else and yes invite them. You don't want to go down that road, that would only make it worse. Maybe her wanting to be your MOH is her sick and weird way of trying to make amends. You have some time before the wedding so if she doesn't show shes genuine then leave her out of any role and just have her as a guest.

Answer 7

I don't understand. You don't have a MOH for a vow renewal. And why are you planning it four years in advance? Anyway... Invite the in-laws. They're your husband's family and you're stuck with them. Play nice.

Answer 8

i'd say that you have a long time till then. Its your wedding, make an honest effort to make friends with her till then. Invite her to lunch, several lunches. if she is still not nice, try something else. If by 2009 she is still rude, tell her straight out, "I have tried for my brother to be nice to you, I invite you out, and you are totally rude"
Make your husband aware of everything, and by then he HE should confront her and say, "Sis, i want you at my ceremony, but as a guest, my wife has tried to be nice to you and clearly you don't care"


My wedding had similair issues, but by then we had No time to clear the air, we bit our tounges because we didn't want a big argument to start at our wedding, you have a lot more time to clear the air.

Answer 9

Invite all of them ... and leave it at that.

I see your point, especially since I have the same problems with my sister in law. Caving in to others' expectations to "keep the peace" is not a solution to your problem. I doubt seriously if asking her to be your Matron of Honor would change the way she feels about you -- more than likely the problems would escalate.

Maintain your boundaries, hold your head high, live your life, and don't let other people influence your feelings and decisions.

Invite them, and just leave it at that. How they feel about it is THEIR problem, not yours.

Answer 10

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