My dad hates my children....?

Question

My mom died 7 years ago so my dad is all I have left. He can't stand my 3 kids. He lives in Florida (I live in Wisconsin) and is coming up in a couple days. He only talks about hisself or his cats, he is not interested in my life at all. He has never really been a hands on dad. I am just not sure how to handle it anymore, my children don't need a grandpa that says get off of me more than he says give grandpa a hug. My oldest has tried to talk to him and he won't even acknolwedge her. It is easier to say tell him off than do it. How can I cope without being drunk for a week?

Answer 1

try seeing the brighter side of life, try learning a new instrument or occupying yourself with something really productive other than worrying about your dad all the time, be well

Answer 2

Two things:

1. If your dad is a jerk, then don't let him come over. It's a simple as that. Your kids are more important than he is, so why expose them to this? Your dad is insensitive and doesn't deserve the pleasure of seeing you and your children. Welcome to the club. Time to think about your kids' well-being, and forget about the fact that you're scared of your dad.

2. Are you serious about coping through alcohol? I hope that was sarcasm, because otherwise maybe you had better consider getting some therapy. If you are incapable of dealing with your father and protecting your children from what amounts to emotional abuse, then perhaps you need some professional help. I recommend discussing this with your family doctor and getting a referral.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Okay, in an ideal world, then grandpa would love his grandkids, but this isn't an ideal world. He just don't like kids. There are alot of people who don't like being around kids. He's old and they're irritating to him.

He's coming to visit YOU. So, talk about memories. Talk about your Mom. Look at photo albums. Talk about his cat. You're not going to change him, so accept him like he is. If you're uncomfortable with him there all the time, then get him a hotel room that is close.

I have a friend who can't hardly be around her father because he is so negative and opinionated and his opinions are a long ways from hers.....but, it's her father so she makes a real effort to keep the conversation away from things they don't agree about. She knows the visit is short, so it's worth the effort because he won't be alive forever.

He helped raise you and you turned out okay....right?
Now it's your turn to have patience...yes, it's not easy...but it can be done.

Answer 4

Sit down and talk to your dad. Tell him how much it hurts your feelings and your children's feelings when he shows no interest in you or them. Tell him how much he means to you and to your children and that you want them to know him. Tell your father it is important to you that your children have a great relationship with him.

Ask your father what his problem is with your kids hugging him. They are only trying to show him they love him. Maybe he's having a hard time dealing with his emotions and his single life. Maybe he has never stopped to think about how his actions affect other people.

You might need to give your dad an ultimatum: either he stops being so selfish and take an interest in the rest of his family, or he stops visiting. I hate to say that since he's the only parent you have left, but he needs to be held accountable for the things he does to hurt other people's feelings.

Answer 5

If your dad doesn't like your kids why is he visiting? You should ask him this. Maybe he feels like he is supposed to visit you - that he is obligated to visit. Let him know it's okay if he doesn't want to come - that your feelings won't be hurt. If he says he wants to spend time with you, suggest that he might be more comfortable staying in a hotel where he won't be bothered by the children. If he still wants to come to your house, you can't force him to be nice. You can talk with your kids before hand and explain to them that some people aren't very affectionate and even though he is their grandfather that it's okay for them to go about their normal routines without interacting with him very much. You never know, your father may initiate the interactions if your kids aren't all over him. However, I wouldn't hold my breath - it is best just to accept him for the way he is and not to apologize for his behavior.

Answer 6

There is really nothing that you can do about your father's lack of emotion for his grandchildren. However, just rememer this, they do have another set of grandparents. The love these grandparents give your children should make up for the lack of love your father gives them. Maybe the next time you call your father, just say to him all the wonderful things that the other grandparents are doing with the children. Who knows, it just might make him jealous and perhaps he might just come around and start being the grandfather you want him to be. Time will tell!!

Answer 7

if he hates them then why is he visiting? Some men (and I'm not saying this to be anti-male) have great difficulty expressing emotions...he may not KNOW you or your kids really....it can be very awkward when people expect you to be demonstrative and it just isn't your nature...

I would plan some activities that the kids like, invite grampa and go from there...just do a lot of deep breathing.

But as I said at the beginning- he isn't travelling from Florida to Wisconsin to vist anyone he hates

Answer 8

I think I probably feel a lot like this guys dad. I have no idea why my grandsons don't like me, but our worlds are so different. I thought at some point they'd like to go camping, fishing, hunting, or just mess around with my old cars or play golf, but nope. Now they're teenagers I thought they might like to go visit the civil war battle fields or go fishing in Canada, but their only question is "how long would we have to be gone?" To them its like a pain to go do anything that takes them away from a computer. It kills me I can't enjoy them, but it is a choice they have made. I make offers to do things, go places, but they never care enough to respond so I'm at the point where I decided to quit chasing them. I'm busy and while its sad they don't want me in their lives I can survive. I did drive 40 miles to watch one of them play in a soccer tournament and when my grandson saw me his response was, What are YOU doing here? I guess I asked myself that same thing after that remark, so I quit going to their games. Sad but after you get hurt a few times its easier to just keep your hands away from the flames.

Answer 9

Maybe he's bitter about losing your Mom and never got over it.

Maybe he didn't learn love when he was a child.

Don't waste your energy trying to understand anymore.

While the kids are out of the house, have a heart to heart with him and ask him anything you need to about this.

If that doesn't work, excuse yourself, and don't ever be available to put up with any of his abuse and refuse to let him come to your place and abuse your children.

They should have happy memories of their Grandpa.

Answer 10

I know it's hard but if he's going to be there just for a few days just take it, be the peace maker. Just don't make the kids hug him or even say hello to him, he doesn't appreciate it anyway. They will forget about him before he gets back in the plane.

Answer 11

One of the hardest things to learn is to let children have their own relationships. I had to learn this with my ex-husband. The relationship he had/has with my children is between them and him. Once I let go of it and let them make their own decisions, things got much easier for me. When my children asked "why does daddy...?" the simple answer was " I am not sure. He does love you. He just shows it differently."

Good Luck!