At what age should I tell my daughter she has a different dad?

Question

I was almost 5 mos preg. when I met my husband. My Ex was still trying to grow up and did not want the baby I was carrying at that time. He has since decided he wants to see her. She is now 7 yrs old. I have over the years kept contact with them.(his mom and dad). I would not even consider letting them see her or meet her , but there is partiallity shown between her and her 5 year old sister. She has asked questions about why her sister gets things and she doesn't? I have her in counseling because she is acting out and her psychiatrist says DO NOT tell her. I am so afraid she will find out from someone else. What do I do?

Answer 1

i would suggest getting a NEW councilor that is more involved in helping your daughter deal w/the issue rather than sweeping it under the rug.

that councilor is just asking you to ignore it, thus in time this will cause a BIGGER issue for your daughter to deal w/when she does find out. she will feel betrayed, and lied to.


my husband's ex wife did this w/HER oldest daughter for YRS. my husband married her when the girl was only 5 months old. she grew up thinking that she was his child. so after their divorce, and when she was older (they divorced when she was 4) around 7 or 8 she started to ask why SHE wasn't allowed to visit my husband during the summer like her little brother did, (who is my husband's biological son).
the ex wife forbid my husband to tell her. he (and i) thought that it was a bad idea to continue letting her become more and more confused. children are NOT stupid, and issues and questions they have SHOULD be dealt w/immediately!

this poor little girl is now 14 yrs old. she is an ANGRY child. her mother died several years ago, and all the sudden her real father came to claim her..she was hurt, confused and very bitter. then the custody case started...the maternal grandparents fighting for custody w/the father. *to make matters worse the mother NEVER told the father he was this girls father, so he was heartbroken that for 10 yrs he never knew her*
the father eventually was bullied by the grandparents and their lawyers into giving up his rights.
the daughter is STILL confused, and bitter and very angry. she is a miserable child. i feel for her.

Answer 2

I'm not sure why a psychiatrist would tell you to keep this a secret from your kid..

Similar situation at my house- ex split shortly before my daughter was born. When she was a few months old, I met my husband, who adopted her when she was 2 years old.

She's now four- About a year ago, she was told that her Daddy she has now wasn't the same daddy she had when she was born. She is handling it fine and we answer any questions she has.

The day will come when somebody- probably a well meaning relative- will tell her she had another father first and then she'll be hurt and feel lied to, it happens all the time.

It's her life- what gives anyone the right to deny her of all the information? I'd find another psychiatrist and get a second opinion. The one you're seeing now seems a little flaky.

And I wouldn't allow partiality, either. My in-laws "favor" my younger daughter more because she's biologically theirs. They received a package in the mail a year ago- the younger one got two presents and my older daughter got a card with five dollars in it. I boxed everything back up and mailed it back to them. If they can't do it for both, they won't do it for either.

Answer 3

I don't understand....why does she not get things and your 5 yr old does? Does your 7 yr old think your husband's parents are her grandparents? If you guys got together and she thinks your husband is her dad, calls him dad, calls his parents grandma and grandpa, why is she being treated differently, not getting gifts and such? Is it your husband treating his bio-daughter better? Grandparents? Did you not come together as a one family and explain that to his family?

And what reason does the psychiatrist give to not tell her? And she might be ACTING OUT because of the differences in the family....which probably need to be explained. Sounds like he's practicing in the 50's....get a new DR.

I don't know what a good age is, maybe there is never really a good age, and only you really would know how well your daughter will take the news because you are her mom. And if she already feels different, it might be time to tell her and best to explain from you and not someone else. I think waiting will make things worse. You are robbing her from her life...and she might resent that. Especially if she ever finds out her dad did come forward. And you need to explain it in a way where she understands why you made the decisions you did.

BTW, my brother and girlfriend never got married, they had a baby...and I just cringe at the thought of not being part of her life, especially in those early years. And to be honest, my brother isn't the greatest dad, he moved and sees her once or twice a year. But, we saw her all the time, spent the nights with us, holidays...etc. She's 21 now...and knows her family, spends holidays with us, relies on us....etc.

Answer 4

You are in a difficult situation and I hope I'm helping with my answer.

I think the more you wait to tell her the worst it'll get. It's been obviously hard for you to live with that and the longer you wait the harder time she'll have trusting you in the future. I think you should talk to your husband and agree on what to do, and then talk to her. It's going to be shocking but with love and communication you guys can get over it in time.

What worries me the most is the fact that she's showing partiality. Is she right? Is her sister getting more attention? If that's the case both your husband and you should work on that and be equal to both sisters. If it's just her being jealous you need to tell her all the time that you love them both the same. It would help your daughter if you or your husband spend some quality time alone with her, even if is only 20 minutes, read a book together, bake brownies, take her for a bike ride, whatever, doesn't mean that she won't be doing anything with her sister, but occasionally spend time just with her.

I wish you guys the best.

Answer 5

if i'm reading this correctly, first of all, your current husband is totally and completely in the wrong. There should NEVER be unequal treatment between siblings, especially if they are being raised by the same parents. it doesn't matter if he's not the biological father. he decided to marry you, knowing you were pregnant with someone elses child. that means he knowingly took on a package deal. he needs to grow up and be able to love both children equally, or you need to step up and look out for your other daughter's best interests. leave the situation before it gets any further out of hand.
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as for her natural father, if's he's not actively participating in her life, you can just be honest with her when she starts asking questions. it doesn't matter that she's only 7. give her some credit. kids are much more intelligent and can handle so much more than most adults give them credit for. she can deal. just explain things, and keep them simple. let her lead the conversation. she'll ask you what she wants to know.

make sure her stepfather is on the same page with you, though. counseling is not really the answer. this is something you should be able to handle in-house. all she's going to remember is you sent her to a doctor because something was wrong with her. but that's not the case. she needs her mother, not a shrink.

and really, it's better she hears the news from you, not from someone else. it will be that much harder for her if she does. you really need to sit down with her and explain things. make sure she knows her stepfather IS for all intents and purposes, her father, and loves her just as much as if she really was his own. explain that the situation is NOT her fault, and has nothing to do with her, and that her biological father DIDN'T not want HER, but wasn't ready to be a family. if you aren't clear that things aren't her fault at all, she will assume you are simply trying not to say that they are hers, and that will cause a whole new set of problems. but be open with her. answer her questions. don't avoid them because a shrink told you to. You're the parent. do what's right, not what someone with a degree but no kids told you to.

Answer 6

Who shows partiality? It must be you or your husband since your ex's parents' don't ever visit. If your husband favors the 5 year old since it is his child, he is being a jerk and he is the one who needs counselling. Your daughter is right to ask about unequal treatment and to be troubled if her parents treat her as an inferior.

Eventually she deserves to know the truth. I'd reach out -- get more professional opinions (I'm not a therapist).

Last I don't get how she would find out from someone else. Who else? Are you afraid her birthfather will just show up and tell her? I get the sense that there is some missing information here and I get the sense that you are concerned that your husband will tell her. Hopefully I'm wrong and he's a terrific guy.

Repeat - as parents you must treat both kids equally and I'd get a second professional opinion as to when to tell her and how to go about it.

Answer 7

I believe that the man who ran away from his responsibility should be excluded from her life. He didn't want to see or support her until now, so my words would be: "Stay Gone".

I am a father of 3, and even when it's hardest to get the things they need and want, I could never see myself leaving. He relinquished his rights for 7 years, and would damage this child if he were given the ability to break the bond created between her and your husband. Children look for stability, and the birth father has not been a part of that.

Remember: As an instinct, the birth father will try to break the bond between the "stepfather" and the child, in order to get closer to the child. This, in turn, will cause inner conflicts for the child. She knows your husband as "daddy". That's the strongest bond she has. Let her get old enough to determine which treats her the best, both as a father, as well as a friend.

This child will be confused, either way. You will know when she is ready to handle this type of confusion. "Daddy" could help in this, too, as it is hurting him to see her go through this type of pain as well. Talk it over with him, and get his input. Find out what he feels, and base your decision on what he says. He is your husband "for better or for worse", so he should be able to be a part of the decision, too.

Just as a reference, I have recently found a daughter whose life I was excluded from for 12 years. She says she was lost for 6 of those, not understanding why I wasn't there. Her mother explained to her, as she grew up, that it wasn't my decision. This helped her understand that her father didn't choose to leave her. I have searched for her for 12 years, and she searched for me for 6. We are 1200 miles away from each other, but the excitement we felt when we found each other is still there. Any man who has lost contact with a child, and truly desires to be the father of that child, knows a pain like no other. Figure out what is in this guy's head: why does he want to be a part of this child's life, all of a sudden? Has he helped support her for the last 7 years? What are his motives? Will it do the child any good to let him enter her life after all this time? Has he changed for the better?

I wish you all the best in this, as I know it's a hard situation.

Answer 8

Why may I ask is she treated differently to her sister, and why should she need treatment, why did you keep her from her grand parents? Why has she not grown up knowing about her dad? For gosh sakes I didn't find out about my dad until I was in my 30's and I am still broken up inside(63 now). The psychiatrist is talking c...p as he has no idea the harm that keeping it from her can do. My advice is tell her now so she has time to adjust, allow her father access and to take her to visit her grandparents. The child knows there is some thing different and is screwing up because she thinks it is her fault. In my opinion children are better off growing up with no secrets about parentage. In fact I would like a law against witholding that information. It is her right to grow up knowing about herself. Please please don't rob her of an important part of her, let her grow up whole. You and your present partner etc., owe it to her to see that she is treated as a precious human being, she can't be that way as it is and that is not fair. It is a worry but I know what it is like to find out too late in life (from someone else after my mum died!). My kids and my grandkids won't ever wake up wondering about who they really are and with that dark empty place inside them! If your kid has to, well she will think as I do about my mum that you just didn't love her enough to tell her, is that what you want? I do hope not - It won't be easy for you or for her but I do feel it is something you should be brave enough too do. Please think about what I have said, Hope all will work out whatever you decide ((((HUG)))) share that with the whole family, blessings
Love from Dot.x.

Answer 9

The doctor is telling you to lie to your child?!?! What kind of quack are you taking your child too?
Honesty is the best policy in these cases...people deserve to know where they come from...good or bad! My mother always told me who my father was and that she would find him if I ever wanted to meet him.
And regardless, there should never be any partiality shown between your children. THAT should be nipped in the bud now!
I'm sorry, but its not a wonder your child is acting out....she feels like she isn't an equal part of the family and doesn't know why. When there is a reason. Shame on you and shame on whoever else is treating her sister better than her.

Answer 10

My sister had exactly the same situation(7mnths when met hubby) but did keep contact with with dad and after a while he lost interest She told her from day one and showed her photos so it has never been an issue. even now she has her own babies she has no interest in him even though mum offered to help find him and my sister believes this was the right thing as she couldnt make it a problem later in life as she made her own choice to live with this and as far as she was concerned she had her dad and didnt need one that wasnt there . Your situation is different and i hope you work it out for your families sake good luck Babs