How to explain to my daughter, his gf son is his biological son?

Question

My ex left when our daughter was 10 mos.old. 3 months later he got a girl pregnant, probably was seeing her while we were married. My daughter who is 10 has 1/2 brother who is 8. My ex lives with this lady & his son & is active in my daughter's life. My daughter knows how babies are made and knows this is her half brother. Somehow she's not getting it or I feel more likely blocking or not wanting to face it. when it comes up I have told her that she and her brother have the same father.She gets defensive and says"he can't be they're not married, or he can't look like dad, he looks like his morm, or she'll ask "how did dad even meet her and Riley" Which I can honestly say "I don't know". I've talked to my ex and he just nervously laughs. Thanks for any advice.

I just don't want my daughter to say in a few years, you knew this and didn't tell me. she's very emotional and having pre-adolescent mood swings. I could care less about my ex quite frankly. He addreses nothing with her and has always taken the easy way out. she brings these things up to me not him, and I get the grief.

Answer 1

she is in denial and is hurt. she is for some reason not accepting what you are telling her she may need to talk to someone to sort things out. maybe an Aunt or someone she trust.

Answer 2

Sugarcat is absolutely right. You want to toss out your daughter because she's acting in a way you don't like. She didn't like it that you got married so soon after your divorce to a man she barely knew. Should she toss you out? True we don't let our kids dictate our personal lives. But we also have to remember that every decision we make greatly impacts our kids' psyches and emotions. As a parent we should always put the needs of our kids before our needs. Especially after a divorce. Kids are very damaged by a divorce and don't "just got over it." We are responsible to make sure our kids are living in a secure and emotionally safe environment. My mother was widowed when I was a very young child. She stayed single for many years, dated a few men. She dated my stepfather for 5 years before marrying him because she want to be certain that we loved him and he loved us. My sister & I had a wonderful relationship with him. He was the best dad any child could ever have. What you need to do is repair the relationship with your daughter. Start putting your two younger children first. Let them know how much you love them. Don't let your new husband come between you and your kids. If he's the good man you say he is, he will understand and support you.

Answer 3

Let me give some background on myself. Both of my parents have been married 3 times. There are 7 children all together. I have 2 half sisters, two step-brothers, and 2 step-sisters. My half sisters are not sisters with each other. Two of us have the same mom, and two of us have the same dad. One of my half sisters also has two other half sisters that are not my sisters.

I know exactly what your daughter is going through. I wouldn't really worry about it too much at this point. Keep reinforcing it as it comes up, but don't try to make her admit it yet. As she gets older, she will "get it". Honestly, I'm willing to bet she gets it now, she just doesn't want to admit it to you or herself yet. As time passes it will be less and less confusing for her. She understands where babies come from and she understands how her brother came to be, she is just trying to rationalize in her own mind how it isn't possible, even though she knows that it is. She is at a difficult age. She is asking how he met her (the girlfriend) and Riley. You don't know how he met her, but he met Riley when he was born. That is what I would tell her. If she wants to know how he met his girlfriend, then tell her she has to ask her dad, because you don't know, but as far as her brother, he met him when he was born, the same way he met her when she was born. All the pieces will fit together soon. Don't worry.

Answer 4

She may know how babies are made, but she sure doesn't know that it doesn't require marriage. Tell her the truth, that he met her brothers mother when he left you, he got her pregnant and they have been together ever since. Explain that children don't always look like both parents, but the fact remains that her father is also the father of her brother.

All other questions need to deflected to Dad. Its not your place to tell her what happened in his life. I would mention to him that he's harming her by not addressing this, and its going to cause problems for him later on because apparently its important to your daughter that there not be any connection between her and his g/f and son. I'd want to know why.

Answer 5

The girl is only 10 years old. Why are you bringing all of this drama into her life? What does she know about them not being married, unless you've told her this? You're playing a dangerous game; and as the children grow, it's going to backfire on you. You haven't gotten over your ex leaving you, even though it happened 9 years ago. You need to deal with your pain and stop trying to pass it on to your daughter. That's the wrong thing to do!

Answer 6

evidentally she seems totally confused and if you've already told her the truth and she doesnt understand she is too young and you will have to explain to her another time. i know its hard because they come at you with these questions and you're thinking wow this is overwhelming. i have an 8 yr old and her dad is remarried and so am i, all together shes the oldest of 6, i have 2 with the current husband and her real dad went and had a few more by a few women. when i was preg with my current husband for the first time i explained to my daughter that they are siblings and around the same time her dad had already had another one, i told her its her brother too but mommy did have him. she was 4 at the time and didnt understand but now at 8 shes known for a while how it all works out. maybe your daughter is just not ready to take it all in and deal with it. one day she will, you just have to be patient.

Answer 7

I agree with nite_ang just let it go for now. As long as it's not causing her problems and she's treating her brother well then time will take care of the rest. She's definitely old enough to understand the situation, it's just makes her uncomfortable. If it comes up again the just remind her that you've explained that they have the same dad and encourage her to ask her father about this (if anyone should have to be repeatedly annoyed/frustrated with this conversation it should be him). Good luck.

Answer 8

she gets it, i know she does, she is 10. My daughter is 6 and understood that her little sister was her sister but had a different dad and she was 5 at the time.
There may be jelousy going on and it will pass with time. She isnt her daddy's only child now, and she is probebly upset by that and this is her way of showing it. You have done what you can, and hopefully her dad is telling her, talking to her, about the same

Answer 9

Her: "he can't be they're not married”
You: “Sometimes people aren’t married when they have a baby together.”

Her: “he can't look like dad, he looks like his morm” (I assume ‘morm’ is supposed to be ‘mom’)
You: “Sometimes babies look more like one parent than the other.”

Her: “how did dad even meet her and Riley" (I assume ‘Riley’ is their child)
You” “I don’t know how they met. Ask your father. But when he meet her, Riley wasn’t born yet.”

See, how hard was that?

Don’t make a big deal out of it, she’ll ‘get’ it eventually. Although, in my personal opinion, by the age of 10, she's old enough to 'get' it now, and may simply be trying to 'deny' it, but if so, why would she feel the need to do that?

Answer 10

I'm guessing she doesn't want to deal with it, because I don't see how a 10 year old doesn't understand what having a 1/2 brother means.

I'd just let it go for now unless she brings it up. It sounds like it upsets her and is going nowhere.

Answer 11

its a difficult thing...

i think you have done all you can being honest with her and making things clear. she probably just does not want to face it at the moment... and that's OK because she is only a child. as she grows up she will be able to understand that things don't always go to plan and these things happen. So my advise is leave it for now if it is not causing serious problems and eventually she will come to terms with what is going on.

Good Luck, Bonnie