I don't want kids... ever! So what's the big deal?

Question

Why, every time someone asks me when my partner and I are planning on having children, do they get stunned when I say "We don't want any"? They look at me as if I've murdered someone.
I try to explain that children aren't for me. Yes, with what we make, we could probably raise five children easily, but we love our life the way it is and I know I'd be a terrible mother. However, they just don't seem to respect our decision.
Why?

Answer 1

To each his own. It's nobody's business,what you want to do in your life.

Answer 2

And yet, whenever someone is in the news for abusing or abandoning their kids, these same people will ask why some people have children if they don't want any. I think whenever someone goes outside the norm, some people feel threatened by it. It's a tribal mentality thing. It's like you are criticizing them for having children. If you feel the need to answer the question with more than "we're not, thank you." You need to be very direct when they press you or disrespect your decision. Something along the lines of "Why does this matter to you so much?" Put the ball back in their court so that they see how intrusive they're being.

Answer 3

I applaud your decision! It is honest and if more people would just stop to think about this then we might have less children in foster care. You are right, just because you get married or have a significant other, doesn't mean that children are the only other option. You can enjoy each other, save for dreamy vacations or whatever!

Raising children (if your're doing it right) or even one child is extremely stressful even if they are 'good' children. Your life changes with a new little one and even more as they grow up. Relationship is hard work but throw in a couple of kids then you again are right, it can wear you down, but those who wait and really work on their relationships with each other and take time to learn your mate are better prepared (I think) for the kiddos. Others might realize that they would rather just forego having children at all. And there is no harm in that! Follow your gut, those same people might not be there to babysit when you need them to anyway :)

Answer 4

I think it is very RUDE for people to even ask that question. Having or not having children is a very personal and private decision, it is no ones business except the the couple who is involved. The next time someone asks you that question look at them very seriously and say " I will answer your question if you tell me how many times a week you have sex". That should give them the hint .
Good for you you and your partner to know that parenting is not for you, so many people have children and don't realize that they weren't meant to be parents until it is to late. I hope this helps. Good luck!!!
P.S. I am a mother of 5, so it's not like I am anti-children.

Answer 5

Because you're only being HONEST. More people should actually be honest like you and it wouldn't sound so horrible to those that really don't want children. I think everyone should respect your decision...and your husbands to not have children if you don't want to. It's your life...not theirs. I appreciate somone being honest with me when I ask a question. However I think that most people associate marriage with children and that's probably why the question is asked. Most parents want grandchildren some day. I'm sure you wouldn't be a terrible mother and who knows you might change your mind.

Answer 6

Like you, I don't want children. For starters, they're expensive and society won't allow you to discipline them anymore. In other words, the kids are in control. Why have a child if you really don't want one? ''Not wanting" isn't the same as "hating". I personally love children....Doesn't mean that I want them.

Parenthood isn't for everyone. However, having children is the norm in most marriages and this explains the disbelief that you've experienced. Like you, my husband and I have no children. Do other couples find this odd? Highly! Don't let it get you down, though. If society didn't have so many expectations of women (which is what women fought for in the past), having children would seem ideal. In the past, having children was every woman's dream. It was their dream because they had nothing else to look forward to. Today, however, things have changed and women may as well be men.

Answer 7

There are too many mothers in this day with no foresight or planning for the children they are bringing into this world. I applaud you for thinking out your decision!
Although my choices are not the same as yours I do respect the fact that you considered what kind of parent you would be before you brought a child into the world.
You do not have to justify your decisions to anyone--when others ask just say simply that is a personal decision and move on.

Answer 8

I think it is human nature that when you want or do something that you think is the best thing in the world it is hard to understand that someone else doesn't want this. I don't think it is that they don't respect your decision but more the fact that they are intrigued by it....much in the way that people would be intrigued and even shocked if you told them you didn't like chocolate. It is fine to make that decision and I am sure you are probably sick and tired of justify yourself... I hope that maybe this shed a little bit of light on why people seem a bit shocked (even if they can be tactless at times)

Answer 9

They act surprised because the majority of married people (although it is a shrinking majority) do choose to have children. Therefore, because you are doing something different than what most people do, your choice is surprising to them.

What I don't get is why, when you make a choice that is clearly out of the ordinary, you are surprised that people are surprised to hear it. What did you expect?

It's kind of like when a teenager dyes their hair green & purple, then acts all annoyed when people notice it.

By the way, I totally support your choice - I think it's great! I think that all children should have parents who truly choose to be parents & I think it's noble for an adult to have the guts to say "This is not for me & I'm not going to create a whole new person just because that's what everyone else is doing". I just think that people will begin to accept the childfree by choice movement more readily if it's presented in a more mature, responsible, positive, non-defensive way.

Answer 10

People look shocked simply because it is still considered a society norm to have children if you are married. It will take persistence on your part to make them understand it. Good luck. I have two kids, when everyone in my family knows I hate children (but I knew I'd love mine!). My sisters who love children, however, have both decided to not have them. I'm ok with that now, but it took a while to "get over" the idea that my children will never have cousins. I felt they were letting me down personally with their decision, that they were denying themselves all the good things that come from having children - that they were being STUPID. Like I said, I realize it as my fault to feel that way now, but it took a while. Keep insisting, and they'll come around.

Answer 11

You don't have to justify yourself about not wanting children. Its your perogative. Most people, mothers especially, gush stupidly about how wonderful and rewarding it is when in reality its extremely hard and unrewarding. I think you're doing the right thing by not having kids if you absolutely know that its not for you. Thats the most unselfish and responsible thing you could do.
Depending on how old you are though, I wouldn't do anything drastic like a vasectomy or tubal ligation though just in case you change your mind, which of course you are also entitled to!

best of luck