We have a baby, should I be able to go out, too?

Question

I want to have an equal amount of free nights as my partner.
He works full time in sales from 9am to 5 pm, and take care of our 4 month old baby from 8:30 pm until bedtime. He helps take her a bath pretty much every night.
I encouraged him to go on a weekend vacation with his friends and asked for a night out by myself, in return.
Tonight, he went out to a friends birthday party at a bar and I wanted a night out in exchange, as well.
My aim is to get some equality in the time we get to spend out.

My boyfriend replied, "One night." And was so confident that I was asking too much by wanting to make my social life equal to his, that he told me to confide in my mother about it. He thought even she would agree with him that, " that's not how things work." Well, my mom thinks this is a red flag, and so do I.


What do this mean to you all?

He also had two months off before he started working full-time. During that time he spend most week and weekend nights out even until 3 or 4am. He would sleep in until 3pm usually until after a month or so that I started waking him up when the baby got up.

So, he has had a lot of free time, himself. Why not me?

by the way, he doesn't pay bills, his mom gives him money that we use.

i want to go to a haloween party. i spend all of my time with the baby. I wear her in a sling, i breastfeed, i have spend two nights out with my friends and haven't even drank. gosh.

also, this is a new thing, that's why i'm asking. I have not asked for the equal night thing before. i've only even asked to go out a couple of times, once because i thought i needed ot take my sister to the hospital, once because my friend was having a moving a way party and i can't remember another time... if there even was one.

and this wasn't over an argument, it was just something i brought up that he really dissagrees with.

Answer 1

Equality is good.

Boyfriend eh? Jeez, I'm starting the hear 'husband' less and less.

Answer 2

If he is being this way, why not have your mother watch the baby (or someone you trust with your life) and go out and have a break! All mommies need that time to themselves to regroup! I'm speaking from experience! I have a 3 year old, I know that it isn't easy to find time for yourself or have a social life, but its extremely important that you try! If your boyfriend is unwilling to stop going out so much , maybe you need to have a serious talk with him, have a 3 rd person present to mediate the conversation, things like this can get out of hand, unfortunately. Express the fact that you need to have a social life too and the baby is his responsibility too! If this doesn't help then I would just go out with the baby( if the child is old enough) and meet some friends, at least you will have somewhat of a social life and interaction with adults outside of your home.
Hope this helps and good luck!!

Answer 3

Nope sorry, he needs to be fair. Tell him although you know you are a mother he is a father. You are both equally tied to this child, equality in a relationship is important. Before you were a mother, you had more of a social life. You are still that same girl as well as he is a man as before the child was born.

Tell him just because you are a mother, doesn't mean you have the be a stereotypical woman who isn't allowed to see friends after having a child. Seriously girl put your foot down, a person will only get away with what you let them!

Answer 4

Sounds like someone is having trouble accepting the new responsibilties.... maybe you should talk (not screech!!!) at him to see what's going on...
If he doesn't want to help watch the kid find someone you can trust and have them watch the kid ...after all... explain that you'd like to get out in the world too... if he's worried about you cheating tell him you'll bring a friend.

Other than that there may be deeper issues which need to be addressed before you and him go much further....

He also might feel insecure...he might think you're going to leave or that he feels trapped.... These things can lead to a HELLish life together if not confronted...

Counseling even if it's just some community health stuff...might be in order here.

Good Luck and Try to remain calm and reasonable not threatening or b itchy ok?

Answer 5

I am making the following assumptions. That you are both living together, he is working from 9-5 to support you and the baby, and you are home while he works to take care of the baby.

So after he gets home from work, the responsibility of taking care of the baby should be shared. For example, if you are responsible from 5:00 PM - 8:30 PM and he is responsible from 8:30 PM - midnight, that would be fair. So you should have just as much of a right to go out at 8:30 PM when he is taking care of the baby, just as he seems to be able to do whatever he wants between the time he finishes work until 8:30 PM.

If he wants to go out at night he should watch the baby right after work in the early evening to make up for it. If he wants to go out right after work and stay out late, then he should watch the baby for the entire evening on another day.

On weekends, that should be 50-50 as far as who can go away and who has to take care of the baby.

Having said that, if he is working a lot harder at work than you are at taking care of the home and the baby, he might be entitled to more time to relax. Or if he is making lots of money and providing you with a nice life I would be more inclined to take his side.

Answer 6

Well, I'm a stay at home student mom, and my husband just went back to work. He also had two months off, and he was beginning to drive me crazy. If you stay at home, it kind of sounds like you do, then try play dates. I know it sounds lame, but its really not. You get time to vent about your sitch, and listen to other people tell you how it could be worse. It gets you outta the house and thats what you need. Try going out together. Or better yet, try going out in a group with couples and halfway through the night have the girls insist to their bfs that the sexes split up and go out seperatly. So it will be a couples night out, boys night out, and girls night out all at once. Also try asking someone besides your bf to babysit. It might change his mind if you say, "My friends (name friends in particular)invited me to go out tonite, and my mom said she would watch baby, is it ok with you?" Don't forget to turn on your charm, and turn off any hint of a whine.
Edit: Oh My God!!! You guys are being sooo mean!!! Lighten up or don't answer the freaking question, she asked for advice, not criticism!

Answer 7

He may be your "partner", but he is not your boss! It sounds like you could use some counseling on "relationships" and compromising. If this is the way it is now, it will only get worse unless you take the bull by the horns and show him that he can not and "will not" control you. If he is not willing to give you equal time out, then he is self centered and you and your child will always be his 2nd or 3rd priority. Get counseling as a "family" or your "family" will be no more! If he's not willing to go for counseling, then it's because he KNOWS that he is in the wrong and he will not want to admit to his own selfishness. You need to draw the line now:
"counseling/compromise" or "Bye-Bye" partner!!!

Answer 8

Well, was it in both of your hearts to have a baby? Do you ever go out as a couple and hire a babysitter or grandma for the night? Discuss each of you having 1 night a month with the guys or gals and then a weekend a month as a couple. You did say "boy"friend- do you intend to marry him? I think sitting down and talking it out with HIM is your best option but make sure you have some fair suggestions ready to present to him. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 9

Why are you & your bf not going out together. It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship or much fun together. You always need some time of your own as does your partner but your relationship doesn't sound right. Family men don't go out until 3 or 4 in the morning and then come home. He's still acting like he's single. Oh that's right, he is. He hasn't made a commitment to you and your child. That's why you don't have a child until you have a commited relationship. . .and marriage would be better.

Answer 10

I'm wondering why you decided to let this guy knock you up without a commitment. You sound too young to be raising a baby properly. Instead of being concerned about what needs to get done, you're too busy tallying up who gets to party more.

My advice is get focused on what's most important and that is raising the baby. Your wants are now in 2nd place and will be for the rest of your life.

If you truly love each other why are you so busy planning nights out alone? Why aren't you going out together?

Answer 11

Usualy us,mothers do a lot more and compromise a lot more in the reletionship or for our children.My husband doesn't go out without me,but he doesn't help with children either.By the time he is home from work, i cook,clean,i do the shopping,run errans,take my son to school,bring him home,take both my children to their swim lessons,have the dinner on the table,clean up,do the dishes,serve tea and fruits,do the homework with my son,read to them,get them ready for bed.All this time he has to rest,cause he is tired.And after they are sleep he wants me to be dressed up,have make up on and show him a good time.Well that one i don't do if i don't feel like it.But the rest i do it every day.Tell me if that's fair,but i do it for my kids sake,to make sure they are well taking cared of and have a peaceful household to live in.