Why doesn't my boyfriend's daughter like me?

Question

My boyfriend's 14 year old daughter is staying with us now because her mom moved to another city for awhile because of a new job. Megan doesn't like me at all. Her dad usually works late and is gone before she wakes up to go to school so I usually have to make sure she's up and take her to school. When I ask her what she wants to eat for breakfast she gets mad and tells me she doesn't want me to cook her anything. When I bring her home from school she usually goes striaght to her room and closes the door. And then I cook dinner and knock on her door to tell her dinner is ready and screams at me that she isn't hungry but when her dad comes home she eats and then goes back to her room. My boyfriend has talked to her several times before about the way she treats me and she promises to be nicer but she doesn't. I even offered to take her to the mall to get some new things and get manicures since I know girls like that kind of thing but she got mad and said no. I don't know what to do

Answer 1

You are being kind, gentle and loving, but honestly, stop trying so hard!

If this was your niece or the daughter of a dear friend, would you be tip-toeing around knocking on doors and announcing breakfast and dinner? I doubt it! You'd expect them to behave their age and get their own rear ends into gear!

Refuse to accept the 'bad guy' role! This is your home and you deserve respect.

If this unhappy little girl was a stranger trying to cope with family breakup and being a teen, you wouldn't take it personally, so why do so now? This is about her and her parents, not you.

Kids are usually not sophisticated thinkers, and in times of crisis need good boundaries and a 'normal' life much more than tea and sympathy.

Talk with your partner, and get some rules going for his daughter AND for him. This is YOUR home as well as his, and he needs to make sure you feel safe, comfortable and respected in it.

Ask him to speak with his daughter, in your presence, and let her know that the two of you have had a talk and have BOTH decided she needs to know she is NOT a guest, this is her HOME for however long she is there, and she has to pull her own weight.

Make her chores and responsibilities clear ~ be at the table for meals, share household tasks, be polite, answer questions, respond to reasonable requests, behave with courtesy to her father and to you.

In return, she will be treated with respect and have her needs met. In other words ~ standard issue home life.

If she tries to be nasty, remember ~ she's 14! You can whip her with one hand behind your back, but you don't need to because YOU are the adult!

And, because she needs her Dad's attention right now, ask your bf to make sure he spends time with his daughter, just the two of them, every day, while you have some 'me' time for yourself.

Take off the kid gloves, stop treating her like Princess Oh-my-wounded-heart and more like a kid who needs good boundaries, and good friends.

The more 'ordinary' things are, the easier it will be, and if you can't be friends, at least you can all get through it.

Oh, and let your bf know he owes you 1,000 massages VERY soon.

Good luck and very best wishes to you all :-)

Answer 2

Many of the problems you may be facing could be just the tip of the iceberg on what is really happening in your marriage. I dont mean to scare you but many problems when they either first show up or if they keep reoccurring could be just whats showing from a larger problem that either you or your spouse cannot even see. One of the only things you can do to help is to talk honestly and openly with each other in the marriage. If things become more serious more serious options need to be looked at as possibilities. I have a blog that has more information on some of what I've been writing about. If you feel like checking it out I would completly suggest it. Read here https://tr.im/JAss7

Love is a choice that is made everyday when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep. Some days you may not feel the original feeling but love isnt a feeling or an emotion. Its an action a verb. Falling out of love may just mean you need to spice things up a little or that you were never in love in the first place. Don't just get out of a marriage just because you don't think you like the person anymore.

Answer 3

First of all, regarding the bike and the car, you show her the dents and the paint. Explain that lying is wrong, and that if she continues that when she tells the truth no one will believe her. Tell her you aren't mad at her, but that she can always tell you the truth and she won't get into trouble. Better to always be honest, but it upsets you when she lies. You need to have a sit down with the boyfriend and explain the situation. Tell him that you know he loves her and has guilt over not being a full time dad, but that does not excuse letting her act in certain ways, and if she continues, it will only hurt her in the end. Do not make it about you, but about what's best for his daughter.

Answer 4

She is probably just trying to cope with having a live in mother type figure around. She may have a little hostility toward her mother moving and even a little ticked off that her parents relationship didn't work. In her eyes she might be asking her self why they couldn't work out like what make you so much better. Teenage girls are always pissed off as it is. You have to be the adult and stand up to her. She is living under your roof and if she can't treat you with a little more respect then she can go back to live with her mom. Next time she snaps at you when your boyfriend IS NOT home you need to say this.....look I am trying my best to deal with these arrangements as well and I want to be your friend I am not trying to be your mother but in this house young lady you will respect me as an adult because I give you respect. If you do not start showing a little more kindness and appreciation then privileges will be taken away. This way she can't run to daddy and she will know you mean it and you are sticking to your guns. Then invite her to do something special before her dad gets home to start a clean slate as friends...and you don't have to yell to make the point...good luck

Answer 5

She is mad at her mom for leaving her. It's not your fault. She is 14. They are always snarky at that age. Don't try to "Buy" her off. Ignore her when she is being nasty. Your b/f needs to do more than just talk to her though. He needs to be a parent and use some good old-fashioned discipline. She is probably upset too that her parents aren't together and blames you. Kids that have parents that are divorced usually want their parents back together and blame the new girl/boyfriends for blocking that from happening, even if you were not the cause of the breakup in the first place. Just give it time. Next time you are all together at the dining room table tell her that you are sorry that her mom is not there, but it is not fair for her to blame you. Your b/f needs to participate in this conversation too. She will come around. Usually by age 16 teen girls are starting to mature a little bit more.

Answer 6

14 yr olds and 8 yr olds NIGHTMARE kids .. and I can safely say that because i WAS one once.. and as others have said it's because of the transition stages ..
no longer a little kid . .far from an adult .. still wanting to be a kid and yet wanting to be treated like an adult when the situation arises ......

I might try the *family conference thing* .. having her dad talk to her places her aside.. it has to be something coming from a family discussion .. sit around the table and you could start with .. something like :
" I KNOW i am NOT your mother, but I am also NOT your enemy and I just want us to try and be able to get along so it's easier for ALL of us"

PLEASE don't do the shopping mall thing ... cos that in her mind will be like you are trying to BUY her love and affection and what she will possibly do IS bleed you dry getting things that she wants while NOT actually treating you any better... WHAT you could possibly try is ..
" Christmas is coming .. I am stumped at what to get your dad for Christmas and I reckon you would have some great ideas . would you be able to help me a little ... I would really appreciate it"

It's a hard stage .. lol even with kids of your own .. (writing as one who was once 14 and as a parent)

I wouldn't push things.. just let her know you're there and you're not a threat to her and her dad's relationship. Say that you won't get in her face ... but that you are there if she ever wants to talk .. BUT not that you are trying to replace her mum..

Good luck :D

Answer 7

It's not about you. Think about it. She is 14, she is living with her father and his girlfriend and her mother had to go away. How would you feel? She is confused, scared that she won't be with her mom and ALL kids no matter how young or old always have this secret desire to see their parents back together, whether they really believe it will happen or not.
Just give her some space and time and try not to push yourself on her too hard, let her come around in her own time.
It isn't a good idea for your boyfriend to harp on her too hard about treating you better.... she really doesn't mean it. She is 14 but still she is a kid.
She is actually probably pretty afraid that she will like you and then she will feel guilty because she will feel as if she is choosing you over her mother, whether that is true or not.

Relax and just be there when she really does come around and needs to talk.... :)

Answer 8

!4, remember how everything was a HUGE deal? How fast you would get angry or embarrassed? Plus, lets face it.....your just not mom. Maybe she still wishes her parents could magically work things out one day. Perhaps she does not like you because she feels on some level that you are annoyed by her existence.
I think the best thing to do is leave her be. But first level w/ her. Tell her that you hope maybe someday the two of you could be friends and if she needs you that she should not feel uncomfortable asking you anything. Then leave her alone.
Do not try to force yourself to do/be anything for her. Just be yourself, sit back and let her come to you if she wants. If she does not then that's okay too. She does not have to like you and you do not have to like her. Do not show her if you do not, but on the same note do not let her rule the roost or be rude to you. Just let her dad handle it all. Good luck, Lisa

Answer 9

She is in a major transition right now. Remember how hard it was to be a 14 year old? Now add in the fact that her mother has just moved to another city, she is living in a new environment, and is living with another woman who is not her mother. Please, do not take offense to this. She is just having to adjust to you and to her new situation. If she seems hostile towards you, it is probably not just you. It is the situation. I think it is nice that you are thinking of things that she may like to do. Try to keep up that sort of attitude. If you show her that you respect her, hopefully she will eventually show more respect to you. Also - try to give her some alone time with her dad. Although it may not seem important, it is. She needs to bond with him. Good luck!!!

Answer 10

First thing is it is nothing you have done and it is not your fault, however it is up to you to point out to your boyfriend that it is his daughter you are having to deal with and he should be giving a lot of thought to either changing his hours or getting a different job so that he is there for her. To dump you with the responsibility is totally unfair. Just think how this poor kid is feeling. Whether or not it is true, she feels that her Mother has deserted her and her Father can't put himself out to be there.Add to that the fact that in her mind she probably thinks that she was part of the reason for the divorce and you have a pretty sad kid. I do not subscribe to the idea of bad kids, only bad parents and somebody ought to start taking responsibility here. Good luck but don't put up with the cr@p.