I need my son's help but he doesn't get along with me. How do I ask?

Question

He's 25, a brilliant young engineer, doing great in his life, still single. A great young adult. Unfortunately, our relationship was destroyed when he was 14. He made bad mistakes, joined bad crowds. One day he drank, joined them in something stupid and illegal. I said he wasn't worth my respect and trust, besides other hard words. He got a harsh punishment that lasted for 6 months, until I though I could trust him again. He turned into a great boy that made us proud but neve got over that. He got into a deep depression and had to go to therapy. He gt out of it but since them has avoided me. Though he agrees he messed up and nede dcorrection, it's his firm opinion that no parent should ever say to a kid what I said. I tried to make up but never apologized, think he needed that words and punishment to wake up. Today I'm in a difficult situation, need his help, he can, but I don't know if he will. How do I ask for his help? What do I say? Should I apologize? We haven't talked for a year

Will I hear something like "When I was a teen and made mistakes, you said I wasn't worth your respect. And now that you need me, you ask for my help! It's you that's not worth my respect"

Answer 1

You have nothing to lose by asking and it may make him realize how much you do respect him now. Not asking wont change or gain anything. If he rejects it then just think how he must feel and go on with your life the way he had to.

Answer 2

Well, neither he, nor you, may ever know for sure, but it could just be that the way you handled things when he was going astray is exactly what jolted him back into the straight and narrow, and made it possible for him to get that lightbulb moment that caused him to go on and become successful..

I honestly do not believe you owe him an apology. I think he is the one who owes you, and he should have developed the understanding and recognition of the fact that you were the "desperate parent" at the time trying to deal with an out of control child. He got into the trouble, and he went through the consequences of it. But YOU had to go through some hell of your own, I am sure, before he straightened up and started to fly right.

If there is some way you can get hold of him without mentioning what it is that you now need from him, and just say that you want to "mend fences", that would be a beginning. At the same time I can't think what it could be that you need at this time that he is the only one who can provide it. Whatever the problem is, there are all kinds of other pathways that should be available to you without having to call on him for that. Do a little research, to see if you can resolve whatever the problem is some other way, without his help. My husband and I elected to not have children, and have never regretted it. But there are a lot of people out there like us, who have no adult children at all to call on for any kind of help, and we turn to other sources. If you can actually restore the relationship between yourself and your son without making it look as if there's a motive behind it, if he later finds out that you have some problem that he could help solve, he might be impressed by the fact that you did NOT ask, and then chip in anyway.

Answer 3

These are two seperate things. Keep them seperate. Ask him what you need to, but its not his responsibility to help you out.

Consider your part in this, you can't do anything about his. Being the victim of a parent who didn't have a clue how to parent and who only loved me if I met her conditions, I don't have alot of sympathy. You screwed up, and the consequences of your actions is that your son doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Now whether or not you deserve that, I can't say. Parents screw up. I never did figure out where it is that we are supposed to know how to intuitively handle these situations, cause I never got a newsletter. However having been raised by a woman who couldn't admit she was wrong, make a mistake and just did the wrong thing, I did everything in my power to not be that kind of parent.

You may have saved him. Examine what happened again, and stop making excuses for yourself and really look at your reaction. Did the punishment fit the crime? Or did you over react because you had no self control? Angry words during one isolated incident didn't drive him into deep depression, there is more to the story than you are stating here.

Regardless, if you need to apologize for something, then do so, whether he helps you or not.

Answer 4

It's tough to know what he will say. A year is too long to have not talked. Life is short...too short to be mad. You did the right thing. All parents say things that their kids don't want to hear. You were pushed into a corner...it's called tough love.

All you can do is reach out to him and see what happens. He needs to know that you are proud of him. Maybe, just maybe what happened got him to where he is today. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone hits those bumps in the road. What makes us different is how we deal with them, whether or not we get back up and keep climbing. You can't keep holding on to the past because you will never be able to move forward. You both have to let it go and start over. It's in the past.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

It's tough to know what he would say. However there is something over due, seems a bit harsh on my end to punish someone for 6 months for a mistake. I think that you need to apologize, stress to him that you were worried about him and that the reason you grounded him was because you cared about him and you wanted him to realize the decision he made was the wrong one. Don't apologize the same day and ask for something, seems like that's what you had planned the whole time.

Answer 6

Apologize and tell him you are not perfect, mistakes were made and he should have never been told those things. If you want a relationship with your son you need to swallow the pride and give him his just reward of a father who is not afraid to admit to mistakes. He should respect you for that and see that you have a new understanding of your past mistakes. If you don't, he will be like my father and I and not ever get close much less receive any help. He may say you are not worth his attention and you should try to help him see it is not all your fault, what he did to upset you caused an emotional reaction and you regretfully used no constraint in your verbal assault that insulted him and it is something you regret to this day.

Answer 7

A lot of good answers (some not so)

I can not hope to guess what he might say??
-The possibilities are many indeed-
And as that is something neither of us knows [or can control...]
Let's work on what is available to us(you).

You know more about your son & his present world ...
(& the past) then any of us - But as some have said
"this could not just be over one incident -(11 yrs past!!)
Years during which a lot has happened (or not happened)

Right now, I am thinking about the phrase;
"People may forget what you say, but they are
un-likely to forget how you made them feel!”

So much of this may boil down to core emotions,
& his felt freedom for trusting you (on the heart level)
-not words, not some actions (mow or then)
But True feeling are the key here!

As much as you fight needing to face the (perceived)(?) heart issue…
He is need of getting beyond this impasse as much as you are!!.

They also say ‘that every man has his price’ Accordingly…
What are you willing (or not?) to pay to have your son [fully] back

Yes – do not try to do both actions in one move/day
Be there (being open) for him & then …
He can be free to act/choose/respond without any ‘strings’
[felt or applied]
-MDK-

Answer 8

when i was a teen my dad and i didnt exactly get along. there were harsh words and more.i am a grown man now and one day a few years ago my dad sat in my livingroom and with tears in his eyes he asked for forgiveness. i told him that there was nothing to forgive.i told him as far as i was concerned he was my father and if he had ever done anything needing forgiveness it had long since been forgiven. i have never regreted those words. he is my dad and i would do anything i could for him.what happened years ago can not live on in the face of the love i have for him in my heart. if you really want to set things right with your son start with an apology and see if he respones in a positive way. but it would be best to get it straight before asking for his help on something. it also matters why you need his help.if its something you goofed up on then maybe he will say no but if you are sick or whatever surely he will remember that he loves you. good luck

Answer 9

My husband's mother really messed up when he was a teenager. She did some really horrible things to him and has never apologized--always made excuses for herself, never owned up to her failure as a parent.

To this day, he is 27, he is still angry at her for her blind persistence that she ALWAYs had his best interest at heart.

This may not be the case for you--your son may very well have been a troublesome kid at 14 but...COME ON! He was 14...

Have you ever owned up to the way in which you contributed to his bad behavior...? Have you ever sat down and thought about where you failed him? You were, after all his parent...and at 14 we are talking about a CHILD...

I think what you said to him was awful--seriously awful and amazingly hurtful. In fact, you probably confirmed to him all of the things he felt that led to his bad behavior in the first place...

If a child, at 5 hits a sibling...do you tell him/her that they are just bad and evil and you don't like them or love them...??

You child was acting out in a way that was typical for his age because he was feeling something and you failed to address it...you need to seriously apologize and be ready for whatever is coming. It is only until you are able to APOLOGIZE to him for your failings as a parent during the time in his life that he probably need you the most... that you will be able to have a relationship with your son...but don't expect it to come right away or come easy...it may take time, and a lot of effort...

After all, it took YOU over 10 years to ask for it.

Answer 10

ok, listen, your son is puussy....seriously. b/c my mother pulled and said a hella lot more worst shiit while i was growing up then you did that one time and i still talk to her. i don't forgive and don't forget but i've moved on and excepted the pass and have tried to build a functional relationship with my mother for no other fact that she's my mother and gave birth to me. i have respect for the women just for that fact alone.

If you need your sons help then i think you should approach him and ask for it, b/c that's what family is for...but don't apologize. you have apoligized already. you have to understand that you really didn't do anything wrong...by harshly punishing your son when he was 14 and did things that yes is what normal 14 y/o but he got caught. He should have faced his punishment like a man and been more acute and apt to get away with it a second time (understand what i'm saying) I'm sorry to say but all this therapy BS has left your son a big fat puussy. All parents say things to their teenaged children that are wrong and hurtful...just like all teenagers say hurt and wrong things to their parents. the difference is if both are "men" enough to deal with the teenage years. It's a rough time for both...hormone changes...parents not wanting their little boys and girls to grow up stuff like that.

Think of it this way (and your son should be thinking of it like this now also since he's 25 and a supposed mature adult) what you did was out of love...you gave him tough love what every teenager needs b/c they are trying to test the boundry's. If you didn't do that for him at the age 14 instead of being an engineer...he maybe stealing engines living you know what i mean. For all the shiit that my mother did and said to me (she was a single) she made me a stronger person today...and without her being so hard on me while i was teenager I may not be where i am today.

Therapy is BS.....it makes men into puussy's and women into whiny biitches. Seriously...a theapist will tell you anything you want to hear to keep that paycheck acomin' .

Good Luck dude...i hope your son learns to man up.