What do you do with daughter who won't finish college? She only lacks 3 semesters till graduation with BA.

Question

My daughter is 22, still lives at home, and works a fulltime job making barely above min. wage. She is a very loving daughter and usually a great joy. However, last fall after we paid her college tuition, bought her expensive books and had shelled out several thousand dollars in all for her to go to school, we found out that she had not gone to classes and received 's F in all 4 classes (12 hrs) and lied about it the whole time. Her Dad and I went ballastic. We were heart broken by her actions ie. lieing to us, etc. We set our foots down, but alllowed her to re-enroll thinking she had learned her lesson and we all make mistakes. She has to make payments to repay us the money she blew. She assured us she was serious about school and would never repeat those mistakes. Guess what, she did it. I found out today she had withdrawn from all her classes. And been lieing again about her grades! Her health ins. cov. under us is in jeporady, her future, etc.. We love her but r sick what to do?

Answer 1

I am sorry to inform you that you can not plan the future of your children. As long as she is paying you back, you should just let her make her own choices. She may regret her decision in the future and that will be something she has to live with.

Answer 2

There isn't anything you can do. For some reason she doesn't want to be in school. Be sure to tell her that she needs to find her own insurance, even if its a short term coverage or cobra. Hopefully your daughter doesn't have any prexisting health conditions, if she does, you might want to point out what the consequences of that is. Say she's a diabetic, on insulin, she'll need her meds and that means cobra, which is going to be several hundred dollars a month, which is still cheaper than paying for the meds at list price.

But frankly, I don't think that's going to matter. I suspect your daughter is deeply depressed. Its not all that uncommon. Is she in school doing something she is interested in, or is she in school doing something you thought would be good for her? Maybe a trade school would be better suited. Maybe she just needs to work and figure out her own life.

I would ask her what her plan is going forward. I wouldn't bully your way into forcing school on her again, you did that and it failed miserably. I know you believe you are doing the right thing, and you probably are, but there is a reason why she has done this, and until you figure that out you are dead in the water.

I would want to know what has happened, and you are going to have to back off alittle to get to it. I would be matter of fact to her responsibililties. She made the choice, its her life, where is she going with it. I would ask her what her plans are for living arrangements, car, bills, school loans, insurance and paying back her debt to you. You might be surprised as the answer. Good luck to your family.

Answer 3

This is a tough-love situation.

Tell her that she does not have to finish college, but that you're extremely disappointed in her for both dropping out and for deceiving you. Make her understand you have not forgiven her debt. She owes you the books and tuition.

Explain that a condition of her remaining at home was the completion of her education. Since she's not in school and has wasted thousands of your dollars, she's got six weeks (or some other specific time period) to move out. Offer to help her find a place, and help her move, but do not offer financial help of any kind.

She will learn very quickly how far a lousy job will take her. Her apartment will be crummy. She won't be able to afford a car. She won't like having to do everything for herself. She may be very angry with you. Let her.

Explain that you want her to understand that she does not have to live like this--but it takes an education or an extraordinary amount of luck to fare better. If you're open to it, let her enroll for the semester that starts in the new year, and move back home--on the condition that she has to bring you graded papers and tests to prove that she isn't lying for the third time. If she's going to betray trust like a child might, you cannot trust her to attend classes and do her work.

If you can, you might explore with her why she's dropping out again and again. Does she find the work too hard? Does she fail to fit in socially? Does she prefer working to unstructured student life, and manage her non-classroom hours poorly, so she falls behind quickly? Does she have enough time for studies, considering her work schedule? These problems have solutions.

Answer 4

You need to sit down with her and find out exactly why she is not attending school or has no urge to when she is so close to finishing. She most likely didn't want to tell you because she didn't want to let you and your husband down; however, she needs to be upfront and honest with you because she is blowing through money by not attending the classes.
Calmly ask her why she withdrew from all of her classes without talking to you about it. Maybe she feels like she needs a break and let her know that is alright but that the longer time you wait to finish school, the less likely you are to actually go back and finish. Don't get angry during the conversation just let her know you are worried about her since she didn't speak to you about her decision but instead went behind your back and either didn't go or withdrew.
Three semesters is not long at all so you should encourage her to finish her degree, but do not force her to since it is her decision. It's well worth it to finish though.

Answer 5

Well she is already an adult and it is her decision if she wants to finish college or not. I would allow her to do what she needs to do to re-pay you back and when that is done its totally up to her regarding her future. You as a parent don't really have much say. I no you care and want the best for her, but its totally her decision. All you can do is give her advice and hope for the best.

Answer 6

She's 22....she has plenty of time to finish college.

Stop making this personal about you as a Mom....this is more about her right now than it is about you.

As a Mom I understand how hard it is sometimes to step back and let them live their lives the way the want.

Make her pay you something while she's in your home....even if it's $10 a payday....she has to show some responsibility.

Answer 7

I have a friend that did the EXACT same thing to her parents. They finally sat her down and told her "Look, we were willing to let you live here for free while you were going to school, but since you're not, you're going to have to start paying us some rent (you could add, 'on top of what you owe us for your wasted term of tuition') ". She enrolled again the next term and didn't look back until she got her degree.

(Also, ask her if she wants to make minimum wage forever, see if she has thought that one through at all)

Answer 8

If she decides to quit school then you should support her emotionally yet still urge her to finish her education - if she insists on quiting you may need to have her move out into her own place and make a life for herself.
She may decide that real life with no insurance, tons of bills, and everything else you deal with as an adult may require a good paying job, one of which you need your degree to obtain.

Answer 9

maybe she can't handle school anymore , due to stress or something.

maybe something really icky happened.

maybe she thinks you will kick her out of the house if she finishes college.

There is some kind of stress or fear going on. I'm not sure she will talk to you about it given the history.

Answer 10

It's her choice to make to not finish college. If she's willing to pay you back and does so, accept the money.