My mom died and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Ways to cope???

Question

Mom died 9/15/07. I know she is in a better place now. It was somewhat of a relief when she passed, she was suffering so much. Now life is kicking in again. Dad passed in 96. I have 3 brothers but I feel so alone. Like there is no security in my life, you know how mom's can make anything ok. I know I'm an adult but I'm a real mess right now. Everything is a struggle to me, I already have depression and this obviously adds to it. How do I cope with this? Dad's been gone for a while and I don't remember how I got through it. All I know is my brothers and me still had mom after that and it made it easier. My mom suffered, was on hospice care (we took care of her, she wanted it that way). I'm devastated by it and trying to deal. Ideas??? Comments???

Thank you for your answers so far! Everyone has been so nice!

Answer 1

i feel so much for you
try to talk as much as you can about her

Answer 2

I'm sorry about your mom's death. Mine died back in 1989 and when I read stuff like yours, I get a catch in my throat too. It hardly seems fair, does it? She's free of her suffering and you're in pain and lost? But I can tell you, your grief will ease and things will get better for you. It's barely been a month since she died.

The first year is going to be hard, there is no way around it. The hospice should be able to direct you to a survivors support group; I think more so since you had a lot to do as an active caregiver. You have a huge emotional weight between being her daughter and her comforter and helper over the last many months of her life.

Make yourself a memory box of things of hers that were of special significance to you. Talk to her. She is and remains a part of you and everything she ever gave you is always with you. You may not hear her actual voice, but you will find answers just from all she shared with you in her lifetime.

One of the things I got from a friend was the advice to cultivate a new activity or new healthy habit and participate in it at least 3 times a week. I used that time to focus on all the good things my mom and I did together and that the new thing is an extension of that goodness.

And it's ok to cry it out too. I was 36 when my mom died and there were a couple times I'd be curled up in the shower bawling like an baby until I was just exhausted. Then I'd go to bed and sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I felt better. It's like you're crying out all the sadness, grief, frustration and rage that is part of losing someone. It's good for you psyche to get that out too.

Be kind to yourself.

Answer 3

I lost my Mom Jan 2, 1985. There are still days I miss her. It is normal. I have been to many counselors and there are somethings in life you just never forget. My mom died in a hospital ICU. I to this day can't go into an ICU. Time does help but the love of family and friends helps in many ways as well. Sometimes a hug is the best thing in the world to do. There are no words needed just knowing you are not alone. Remember the good times- Remember your Mom the way she was when you last saw her alive. Maybe there is a special moment that will come to mind and help to lessen the hurt. You may think it crazy but talk to your mom-she is in Heaven and can hear everything you say. Go out and watch the sunrise or set -see the beauty that lives on. This is just a life lessen I have lived through and it hasn't been easy but with time and sometimes years it will get easier. I would like to share a poem that was on a card we got when we lost our son. Now there is no more weariness Now there is no more pain God gives his Children wings to set them free May the love that will linger The memories that will live on Now set you free Take Care.

Answer 4

My heart goes out to you. Loss is never easy. You have to learn to take one step at a time. When everyone is telling you that you'll be fine. You'll get through it. You'll be ok. It's funny, but they never tell you how to make all that happen. Nothing is like losing a mother. She is the one that makes everything ok. She makes everything easier. I know this may sound hard.. but you need to feel the pain. It's ok to miss your mother. You are perfectly normal for grieving over the loss, missing your best friend in life, and hurting and crying and hurting some more are all just emotions that you will go through. The question that you need answered is....... Will I make it? And the answer is yes. Because just from the way you spoke of your mother, I can see she was and will always be a wonderful mom. She raised you. She inspired you. She was always on your side. So be easy on yourself. If you need help with depression, don't feel bad about seeking help. You need people in your life who are positive and will be there for you even if all you need is someone to listen. Not 20 people telling you to get over it. It just doesn't work like that. And I think your mom raised you to know what life is really all about. I just kinda know that she raised a winner when she raised you. So, take it easy and heal at your own pace. And try every day to think about how wonderful your mom was and is and will always be. Because you know..... she will always be with you. God bless and much peace.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry. My mom died a year and a half ago, so I understand how devestating the loss is and how lost you feel without her here.

Here are a few things that might help you get through the days that I did.

1. Pray for strength, comfort, and healing.
2. Talk to your mom - she can still hear you.
3. Write her letters - talk about hopes, dreams, apoligies, etc.
4. Ask for a specific sign for her to let you know she can hear you - you might get surprised.
5. Go to a grief support group or web site. These help more than you think.
6. Read books on life after death and ADCs (after death communication), if you have any interest in that type of stuff or a belief system that allows for such communication.

And last but not least, HANG ON. I know it seems that things will never get any better, but they will. And it seems worse a month or two after than it did the first few days - I think it takes a little while for reality to really set it.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Answer 6

Sorry, I realy dont have any ideas how to cope with your loss. But if it's any consulation, I think you are on the right track, by knowing that as she was suffering so much, and that you are somewhat releived that her pain and suffering is over. I am also glad to hear that you know she is in a better place now, because she is. I would suggest you join some type of organization for adults who lost their parents, because quite frankly, deat is a part of life, and if you are having that much of a difficult time coping with that, that maybe you need some counseling.
When both my parents died, it was the same deal, suffering, and it was their time to go. I took relief from knowing they were not suffering any lionger, and some how you need to do the same.
Good Luck

Answer 7

Already have depression or depression as a result of? If it is the former, go through counselling or therapy sessions...this could get worse before it gets better.

If it is a result of, realise that all things change. Rather than dwelling on a person's death, champion their life. Your mom would not want you to be hurting this much. She suffered enough, will you continue to carry the suffering?

It's still gonna hurt regardless and for quite some while, but the point is not to be thinking about it. Be active, find some renewed focus in your life and push forward. Sometimes, being busy is the best way for us not to just sit there and ferment in our sorrows.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for your losss :( Okay, first, know it's okay to grieve. You just lost your mother, you are allowed to grieve! Cry if you need to. Let it all out. Talk to someone close to you, talk about your mother, tell this person how you are feeling. Don't be afraid to cry and be sad, it is completely normal.

You might also want to try writing down your feelings in a journal. It may help sort all of your emotions in words. Put all your anger, sadness, etc into your journal.

If you have depression, you may want to see a counsellor and/or take antidepressants. The antidepressants take the emotional edge off and not as intense. They will help stabilize the chemical imbalance.

Try to go out of the house as well. Isolating yourself at home isn't healthy. Take a nice walk, go out to an exercise program, an art class or whatever you enjoy. If possible visit her grave and tell her how you feel.

Take some time for yourself. Take a bubble bath, read a book, do something to take your mind off of this for a while.

You might also want to see a grief counselor. They can help you sort through your emotions.

Good luck hun :)

Answer 9

I am so sorry for your loss. This is still too fresh for you to have rebounded yet. It will take time. There are groups that you can contact to find someone that you can talk to about this. One of the groups is called "Good Grief". You can look it up on the internet. Talking to other people who have been through the same thing is very helpful, and, you will make new friends that you can call when you are feeling especially down. There are medications that can help you deal with your depression. You should talk to your doctor about your situation and ask for something to help you. Helping your mom before she passed away is something you should feel some satisfaction for. She was very fortunate to have children she could depend on for support. I'm sure that made things so much easier for her, too. I will be thinking about you, and wish you all the very best.

Answer 10

I'm sorry. My mom passed away exactly one year ago next week.
she died of cancer.

the only words of comfort I can offer you right now is that I believe with all my heart that our loved ones never leave us.
Just because you can't see and touch them doesn't mean they are not there. I feel my mom around me all the time and that is a great comfort to me.

Remember this too... death is always followed by rebirth.
It may not be a rebirth that you recognize right away... but resurrection and rebirth will always follow. Just when it seems you will never smile again.... life comes back.

It's OK to feel sad and depressed.... and all the other things your feeling now ....and will be feeling for some time.

You are not alone.

Peace to you.

Answer 11

Everyone is correct by telling you to talk about it, to get counseling, and all that. Let me tell, you it's not about getting over it, my sister just died of cancer and she spoke with her only daughter (11 years old) before she died, she spoke with her daughter who asked her to please hang on a couple of years more because she loved her soooo much and could not live with out her. My sister told her not to worry, that she should thank god she has a good father, and that got gave her a mom for 11 years....there are so many moms that die at childbirth, so many orphans so many children that have never known nothing than suffering and no one ever by their side. She told her that she gave her a good quality of life and was soo proud of her that god knew what he was doing. Well, that's part of what she told her but if you take all those things into consideration, remember your mother was suffering so much. How do you think she will feel that she is the reason your are feeling the way you are now????? She dedicated her life to make you happy to be with you, so cheer up talk to her as she was there (she can hear you somehow). Do what my niece does, we take her to the cemetary to visit mom, she sits by the grave and she talks to her, whats going on what her plans are what her complaints are and then she say's a prayer tells her "I know I don't have to come here for you to hear me, but I still do"

peace out