For the last 2 months a friend of mine has been bagering me about being a bridesmaid for her wedding. I've kindly told her that I cant do it because I dont have the finances to afford it. My bro is getting married a month before her, and I'm a bridesmaid for my future SIL. I have lots to do because I am helping with decorations (we are making all the bouquets, centerpieces & favors) Plus the shower, dress & accessories for her big day. I can't do that for 2 weddings. (Plus we have to get the suit for my hubby because he is a gm for my bro) She said she will pick a cheap dress but I would have to travel to get to her wedding so thats another expense. She said I just don't want to share in her day but I do. I told her I would help with whatever I could & I will attend but I just can't be in the bridal party.(She was in mine so I feel as though she's looking for me to return the favor) Is it appropriate etiquette to be in the wedding because they were in yours?
2007-10-23 09:15:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
She's not being very understanding. She said that I should not be a bridesmaid for my future SIL because I don't know her that well. That I should be taking the time for her. I'm really trying to be involved in both as much as possible....but the one i'm in is my family and they will always be my family....Me and my friend haven't been very close for the last year or so since she moved away.
2007-10-23 09:19:02 · update #1
I don't expect her to pay for me to be in the wedding....That is why I'm declining now...while there is still plenty of time for her to get maids...(6 months before she gets married)
2007-10-23 09:21:33 · update #2
You are absolutely doing the right thing sweetie. This is your BROTHER getting married so you are in it for HIS sake, not your future SIL. It's silly for your friend to imply you shouldn't be in the wedding just because you don't know your SIL very well. She'll be joining your FAMILY for goodness sake!
Your friend is not being a very good friend at all. You see women on here all the time complaining and panicking over the cost of being in someone's wedding. Being in a wedding is VERY costly and no one should say yes unless they are fully prepared to do everything invovled. It's WORSE when you say yes out of obligation then try to make the bride feel bad for every expense you incur. The kind thing to do is just say no from the beginning. That way, the bride can pick whatever dress she likes instead of having to tailor her pick around your finances. You're actually being very gracious by not being in the wedding. If your friend can't understand that, then she's not much of a friend.
Next time she brings it up, I would politely but FIRMLY say "we've talked about this. I just simply cannot do it. I wish I could but I'm trying to be as clear and as polite as I know how to be. I cannot be in the wedding and it only makes me feel worse when you keep asking me about it. Please do not bring it up again."
2007-10-23 09:27:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 10⤊ 0⤋
Be clear, that you cannot accept her offer to be in the bridal party, because it would not be fair to her to have a bridesmaid who could not be 100% focused on her duties. Tell her that you care about her and you are declining because she is special, and deserves a bridesmaid who has the time and the finances to make sure her wedding is spectacular. (Example : she shouldn't have to "pick a cheap dress", she should pick the one she likes the best, it is her wedding) It would not be fair to either of you to be forced into an inconvenient situation because you felt like it was your responsibility, and she feels like she needs to return the favor. Neither of you should have to settle. I would actually write her a handwritten letter explaining this, or maybe take her out to lunch.
You should also ask her if there is any other way that you can be involved, that would still mean a lot for the two of you, but wouldnt involve a lot of stress or money. Maybe you could put together a poster display of photos for the reception? Help with a slideshow? I don't know what kind of wedding it is, and your religious affiliation, but if it is a Catholic wedding, maybe you could do a reading? Bring up the bread and wine? That way you could still be involved in the ceremony. There are lots of ways to still be involved.
Good luck!
2007-10-23 16:32:51 · answer #2 · answered by Lenny 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
What a difficult position to be in. Obviously you've made a good choice; family is forever and it is important that you be part of your brother's wedding.
Your friend seems to be very focused on herself at this time (slightly understandable since she is planning her wedding) and it might help cool the flames if you shift your focus back to her. Focus on all the reasons you would not be a good bridesmaid for her (you'll be focusing on other things, she'll have to choose a cheaper bridesmaid dress, you won't be available to her because you'll be busy). After you tell her this, again support the fact that you will be a guest and do what you can to help. Once you've had this last conversation about the subject, stand your ground and tell her that this is the last time you will discuss it.
It's important that we set healthy boundaries with our friends. Her pushy, selfishness regarding this isn't good for you or her and definitely is damaging to your friendship. If you stand firm that your answer is definitely no, it will help her move on and focus on other things.
Good luck!
2007-10-23 19:13:35 · answer #3 · answered by Addie 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you can't afford, you can't afford it. She just needs to understand that. If she's a true friend she will understand. Just let her know you want to attend the wedding, but you don't have the finances to be a bridesmaid. I don't blame you for not wanting her to pay your way. I'd almost feel like I owe something back. Have you explained the other major expenses you already have in those couple of months before?
2007-10-23 17:09:42 · answer #4 · answered by fsusweety00 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋
your friend should understand it's not just your sil wedding, it's your brothers too. i stood in a good number of weddings when i was younger. all the way from being a flower girl, brides maid, & maid of honor. my parents paid for me to stand when younger but i paid for the one as brides maid. so, i know where you are coming from when you say you are helping to prep & plan for your bro's wedding. not cheap at all!!! your friend should take into consideration that she has an out-of-town wedding (hope she won't be surprised if not every one she invites doesn't show), that is going to cost xxx to travel. plus you would have 2 weddings to put money towards. instead of pestering you & sulking, she should be focused on planning her own wedding & finding other brides maids. from personal experience, friends don't always stay in touch. some grow apart & move away. others communicate when possible.
2007-10-23 16:47:22 · answer #5 · answered by Ms Starr 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's only 6 months before she gets married? Sounds like she's desparate or something. She also sounds like another word or two that would get bleeped out there. If you're close to your brother (which it sounds like if both you and your husband will be in the wedding), she needs to understand that you need to put your family first. Hell, there's a bridesmaid I wish would back out of mine, but she's in there by my fiance's choice, and he's got two on his side by my choice.
Seriously though, you do not have to be in her wedding solely because she was in your's. That's not fair to you. Especially if you guys have drifted apart. She's being unreasonable and honestly I don't know what to tell you to do that's not mean! At this point, I would just ignore her (bad solution, but it usually works for me).
2007-10-23 16:28:48 · answer #6 · answered by Sunidaze 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
There are a number of things you could tell her but it would just come across as being rude. I would simply say no then change the subject. If she continues to ask, I would find a reason to get off the phone quickly and hang up. You've already made a decision and she's just going to have to get over it :) Otherwise she'll find you avoiding her phone calls. What is she going to do? Drive over to your house point a gun to your head and demand you be a bridesmaid? This is beginning to get ridiculous.
2007-10-23 18:13:12 · answer #7 · answered by Jasmine808 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
First tell her that you're not in your SIL's wedding you're in your brother's wedding and he is family. If she can't understand that the expense is too much for you, then she's not a true friend. A true friend does not have expectations. If she can't be understanding I would strongly decline and then sever ties. I'm a firm believer that if it's too hard to be your friend then it's not worth it. Stand up for yourself and ignore the guilt trip. And lastly, no it's not proper etiquette to be in the wedding...it's proper etiquette to say no timely and for her to accept.
2007-10-23 16:30:51 · answer #8 · answered by mrsdeli 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutely correct to decline.
If you have already told her that you are not able to be a bm due to a prior commitment and finances, that is all you are obligated to do. You can tell her that under different circumstances, you would be there in a heartbeat.
The ball is then in her court to invite you to be a guest... and for you to decide whether to attend (as a guest).
Don't lose any sleep over this. She is being a bully and you are doing the right thing.
2007-10-23 16:31:38 · answer #9 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Just be firm and tell her you're very sorry but that you're not going to be able to. Tell her that your sister in-law IS FAMILY and that she (unfortunately for your friend) takes priority. It's also not a matter of being your SIL's bridesmaid but also in your brother's bridal party.
2007-10-23 19:59:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋