How do I deal with an irresponsible parent?

Question

My mother is horrible at managing money and nearly every aspect of her life. Her bad habits have affected all of us kids and mainly me more times than I would like to count. I've given her large amounts money never be repaid (and I'm only 19). She's now gotten herself into trouble again and it's wrecking all of us. Is it any of my business? Do I just let her continue to screw up? Do I try to fix it at the risk of being rude and out of place? I'm now to the point of giving up, but she needs help although she won't admit it. And I don't know what to do that won't bury me in debt and emotional trauma as well. Please, I need serious answers and don't try BSing with it.

My mother is horrible at managing money and nearly every aspect of her life. Her bad habits have affected all of us kids and mainly me more times than I would like to count. I've given her large amounts money never be repaid (I'm only 19). She's now gotten herself into trouble again and it's wrecking all of us. Is it any of my business? Do I just let her continue to screw up? Do I try to fix it at the risk of being rude and out of place? I'm now to the point of giving up, but she needs help although she won't admit it. And I don't know what to do that won't bury me in debt and emotional trauma as well. Please, I need serious answers and don't try BSing with it.
I do live with her b/c I am going to school full-time. And the money hasn't been to break the law but to just keep the lights on, gas, school supplies and food for my younger brother and sister. I've confronted her about it before and it didn't go so well. She doesn't think she owes me the money back (or what she took).

Sorry about that second section there, I thought I had accidentally erased the first detail section so I had to squeeze in the additional details. But now that I know I have more room, I'll elaborate just a little more.

She's never stolen from me per se, but she did cash a student refund check without me knowing and spent it all (on God knows what) and nearly kept me from going to school one semester. I love her so much but she's pulling me down with her.

And I can't move out yet because I'm still trying to save up the money to do so. I'm working part-time and make no where near enough to live on my own, although I do take care of myself. I buy my own food, pay my school bills, cell phone, credit card (only school stuff on it), and car. But that about does me. I don't pay her rent and the bills (unless I'm bailing her out). And when I mentioned her bad money habits to her, she got upset and threatened to kick me out or make me pay rent and a portion of the bills.

Answer 1

Sounds like it's time for mom to fly on her own. You've done all you can and when a person just isn't going to change, you can't keep on throwing $$$ and your emotional energy at them.

Answer 2

You don't say how old your siblings are, but you must understand that you are not responsible for your mother's debts. At 19, you are free to move out. As much as I know you love your mother, moving out might be your best alternative. As long as your mom knows you'll cover her mistakes, she'll keep making them. She'll drain you dry of money, as long as you live with her. I'm being very serious with you. If at all possible, move out.

You asked if you should let her continue to screw up? What choice do you have? You can't stop her. The only thing you can stop is her drain on you. Although you could take your mom to small claims court to recover your losses, don't expect to get that money back. Bottom line is to get out of the situation. Remember that you don't have to live with your mother to give her moral support. Is there a local YMCA in your area? They usually have single living conditions. Look around and see if you can't find a safe place to live. Would your grandparents let you stay with them, without draining you as well? What about a trusted friend? Be thoughtful about where you can go and move. Best wishes!

Answer 3

I have a good friend who is 32 and an only child. She has 3 children of her own, and her father is a wonderful, loving person in her life.(she also has a good marriage) The reason i'm telling you this, is because her mother is the problem. She is selfish, immature,and needy. She cares almost nothing of her daughter or grandchildren, ignoring holidays and birthdays. She only ever comes around when she "wants something" and stays as little as possible. She complains almost constantly, and puts the men in her life before her family! She recently married someone who dosen't like her daughter, and she lets him think for her. My friend is a strong, caring person who will do anything for anyone. She asks for almost nothing from this life, and is the total opposite of her mom. She told me once that she has been the "mom" since she was 12.(she has had to take care of herself while her dad was in the military) And while her mom may have problems, she decided a long time ago that she can't let herself go crazy trying to help someone who is in total denial about herself. I realise it's a sad situation, and that you do love her, but love yourself, too. Let her deal with her own problems, instead of dragging you down with her. She is a grown woman, and if you stop supporting her, it may open her eyes to her situation. You are young, and this is unfair to you! You need a good start in life, and the only way you are going to do that is to live your own! Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Sweetheart, some people just have no business handling money and your mom seems to be one of them. If she's in a bind and you can help her then I would say this.....

Mom this will make $xxx you now owe me. I understand that you raised and fed me but that doesn't mean I have to pay for your mistakes for the rest of my life. I love you but this is the last time I lend you money until you pay back what you already owe me.

If you want you can lighten it up a bit with....besides how am I ever going to pay for your nursing home if you spend all my money now????

You may need to sit down with her and make a plan and it's very sweet of you to be so concerned about her feelings but you can't let her get you into financial trouble that you'll be trying to dig out of for the rest of your life.

Answer 5

It depends if you live with her or not. If you are living with her, you need to think of the repercussions of standing up to her. She may make you miserable or she may tell you to get out.

If you don't live with her, then I wouldn't give her any more money. By getting her out of trouble over and over, she isn't learning anything. She is the parent and you are the child, the fact that she should take money from you for any reason other than an absolute emergency and then pay it back immediately is appalling to me.
I know you worry about your siblings but she is their parent not you. If you feel that they are being neglected or she is unable to provide for them, then you will have to report it to child protective services and get them cared for.
Try to talk with her about getting some financial counseling. It is free. It is always on the TV and the internet.
If you aren't living on your own, you need to start looking at getting out of this situation as soon as possible.

Answer 6

Hello......I completely understand where you are coming from. If you mom will not listen you may be forced to withdraw from giving her any more money.

Sometimes when we keep trying to bail people out, we end up empowering them to keep living the same life style.

I recommend you talk with her and let her know how you feel. If she refuses to change, then you have to change how you interract with her.

I know this can be hard becasue this is your mom. But understand that people can't give what they have never received.

It is possible your mom never got this teaching from her family. If she did, than she is falling into a trap of bad habits.

I will tell you this.......you can talk to her, but be careful how you do it. Talking with family always has the ability of creating bad feelings.

If you go to church at all, I recommend asking for advice from them or maybe reading some material online about getting out of debt. Mabye she will snap out of it.

My family was the same way. It was very hard for them to change. With time they did. But I had to withdraw all I was doing for them. They did finally learn and now they do good.

I really hope things turn around for you. Take a chance and try to work it out. If she will not listen, go to the next step and stop giving her money.

When there is nothing else to throw away, she will have to stop and change. If not, maybe find someone to move in with.

Hope this helps and take care of yourself. Things will get better !!

Answer 7

Considering what you have done for her already, it's time for you to throw in the towel and say no.

Tell her you can't afford to keep dishing out money for her and talk to her about managing her money. If you come off rude, then you come off rude. Considering you are giving money for support, then it is your business. If she refuses to listen, then you really have no choice but to put your foot down.

It will more than likely be hard on you, but you are at an age where you are going to have to support yourself. You can't do that by constantly giving money to someone who doesn't manage it well. Just remember that it is for her own good and if it takes her learning the hard way, then so be it.

Answer 8

Look, you're now an adult yourself. What would happen to you if someone bailed you out from every mistake you've ever made? You'd never learn from them if you didn't have to suffer the consequences.

It may create more stress on your relationship with your mom and with the rest of your family but it's time to take responsibility for your actions. Stop enabling your mother by allowing her to "borrow" anything from you. It's not an easy thing to do but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say enough's enough! You don't have to be rude and don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. Be honest but be firm!

Good luck!

Answer 9

its hard to see a loved one screw up over and over again

but your mother is a grown woman...and its her responsibly to keep her life straight not yours...

i know you said it has effected you...and that you have lent her money that hasn't been repaid.....

it may be a good idea to tell her how you feel....it sound like you love her very much ...and if your family cant be honest with each other ...you cant expect any one else to be.

but there are other ways of helping her with out being rude.....maybe you can just offer to help manage her budget....and if she asks why ...just tell her you love her and would like to make her life a little bit easier in anyway.....

but yes it sounds like you are in tough situation

and i hope it all works out

good luck

Answer 10

Until she admits herself that she needs help you are fighting a losing battle. It sounds so sad that you are the her child and yet your having to take on her role. You are going to have to let her hit rock bottom, if you keep bailing her out she has come to rely on this. You may need to talk to someone proffesional to overcome the effects it is having on you and you family.

Answer 11

Well feeding her money is only feeding her habbit but i can understand why you would.. under all the desperation. Maby you should talk to her alone and sit her down maby bring leaflets from some kind of help source for this kind of problem? when you talk to her try to be understanding and reensure that the reason you are talking to her is because you care.

"Is it any of my business?"
Yes because it is your mother, and you obviously care for her enough(or you wouldn't be writing this) to try and help her out of her money problems.

"Do I try to fix it at the risk of being rude and out of place?"
Hopefully she wouldn't see it as being rude, if she is aware of what she is doing... then she should see it as a helping hand from someone who gives a ****.