Being blamed for ruining her wedding day....?

Question

My family was invited to a destination wedding for my hubbys friend. We live in TX and the wedding was in Illinois. Anyway it was addressed to "Mr. Duster and Family" No RSVP needed. My hubby was asked to be a gm but declined because of financial reasons and our not knowing if we would be able to attend. Well we flew up to Illinois for the wedding, Me, hubby, and our 2 little ones. When we met them at the hotel they asked us what our kids were doing there? The bride said babies are not allowed. What was I supposed to do with my kids now? I told her, that I had not realized that since the invitation was addressed to the family. We would have never come all that way if we had know that. I told my hubby to attend the wedding without me but he refused. The groom appoligized numerous times and even offered to pay for the flight home(we declined) but the bride has informed me she wants to be reimbersed for the meals and the hotel room since we didn't attend and made her waste money.

We purchased a gift and card...we spent lots of money to get out there...And the invitation did not specify that children were not allowed. Actually lots of children were there...I felt that it would be rude to attend after she told me that they were not allowed. Should we have to pay for the money that was spent on the room and the meal for the reception. I think it is rude for her to even suggest it after I complied with her wishes.

The brides hubby was upset with her for not allowing us to bring our children. He and my hubby have been friends for 26 years. (since they were little)

We DID plan on attending. We WENT to Illinois. SHE is the one that said we had to find something to do with the kids for the wedding and reception. Did she expect I would leave them with the desk clerk or something? She shouldn't have invited the family if she didn't want us all there.

She said that she didn't realize our children were so young, and that only children over 10 were invited.

Answer 1

Okay, I can't imagine that I have much to add to all of this since all the other posters have pretty much said it all. But here goes:

If the story is as you say, the bride screwed up (what does "and family" mean if not the kids, where your pets invited, other adult relatives? and who has a wedding without an RSVP -- how could she have booked hotel rooms, given a head count to the caterer, etc., etc) and then handled the situation incredibly poorly once you showed up with your kids. Frankly, there really is no excuse for her behavior but try to understand that brides can be under pressure from a lot of places (parents, grooms, etc) and can snap. If I were you, I'd let your husband and his friend work this out so that they can continue their friendship.

A few points:

-- I don't think you're talking about a destination wedding, but rather an out of town wedding. (Just because you travel to a wedding doesn't make it a destination wedding -- it's a destination wedding when it's not held where the bride and groom live of in one of their home towns). I only point this out because I think there are slightly different rules about attending each kind of wedding regarding the responsibility of the bride and groom to make arrangements for their guests.

-- The hostility of brides and grooms having kids at their weddings makes me sad. I respect everyone's choice to do as they wish but it'd be so much nicer if they handled it with more grace. Frankly my husband and I wanted kids at our weddings as we viewed it at a big family celebration that we wanted to share with everyone. Of course, we didn't have many friends or relatives with small children. I can understand that for many reasons it would be difficult if every friend, co-worker, etc. wanted to bring the whole family.

-- The poster who suggested a babysitter has a point. Someone (the bride or, better, the maid of honor or bride's mother who should be handling this last minute issues) should have looked into this. However, be aware that not everyone wants to leave their children with strangers. When my son was five months old, my cousin had an adults only wedding. Because it was out of town and we had no one to care for our son (everyone who we knew in the area was attending the wedding, including my parents who traveled with us) so we went to the rehearsal dinner the night before but skipped the wedding. We didn't want a babysitter we didn't know (and this was never offered us anyway) and even if that wasn't an issue, I was breastfeeding and couldn't have been away from my son for the time necessary to attend all the events. I don't think my cousin and his wife understood or were happy with our decision but when you make choices to exclude kids from the guest list you must realize that it also excludes some guests and be understanding about their inability to attend.

Answer 2

How is it that she could blame you for ruining her wedding day when you didn't even attend the wedding? She got what she wanted. You're the one who had a day ruined by traveling so far for nothing. She is clearly the wrong party in this situation. An invitation issued to Mr. Duster and Family means just that -- the entire family. And how she could possibly hold you responsible for you meals without having requested an RSVP is beyond me. Without an exact count, she would have purchased them anyway, even if you hadn't made the trip. And considering there must have been some communication with the couple prior to the trip (otherwise they wouldn't have had a paid hotel room for you), I'm amazed that she was so surprised by the ages of your children, or that you were bringing them. My guess is most of this came about through a lack of communication between the bride and groom. I assume that your husband had a phone conversation with his friend explaining your plans, and the friend failed to communicate the proper information to the bride. Whatever the case, you are not at fault and you owe them nothing. I know this will probably weigh heavily on your mind for quite some time. But let it go. The hubbys will surely remain friends and you will rarely see this couple anyway.

(By the way -- when did Illinois become a "destination" wedding location? That just sounds like "out-of-town" to me. I thought to be considered a destination wedding it was usually a more exotic place like an island beach resort or a foreign country -- some place that would also be the honeymoon destination.)

Answer 3

The bride sounds like a major bridezilla and jerk in general. You are not responsible for paying anything. You are not even required to bring a gift to the wedding. The invitation invited you and your whole family (children included to the party no matter what their age is). I think that the bride is just selfish, cheap, and rude to even ask you what your children were doing at the hotel.

I work with brides all the time as a wedding planner and if she wanted to really control her guest list then she should have found out the ages and names of everyone that she was inviting and had rsvp cards so that she would know exactly who would be attending her pitiful wedding.

She sounds like someone who is young, immature, and does not understand what it is like to be a mother. I can't stand brides like that. I would just forget about her. Don't pay her a dime and let her know how offended that you were (in the nicest way) so that she understands exactly how rude she was and probably still is and will continue to be.

She wasted your time and money having you attend her wedding. And good for your husband to not attend the wedding without his family. Now it is up to the bride to deal with her new husband being upset with her.

Answer 4

This "friend" is totally in the wrong here. What a *****. She should of let you attend with your children if she was so worried about wasting the meals. Whether you were there or not she was paying that amount anyways, so it is no skin off of her nose. It is not at all your fault, she addressed the invite to "and family"......what were you supposed to think? If I got an invite with "and family" I would automatically assume the "family" part meant my kids, otherwise, it would just have our names on it.
I would write her a letter politely telling her under no circumstances will you be "reimbursing" anything. It was her mistake for not asking for RSVP's and for not finding out how old your kids were. Maybe you can play her game and bill her for your travel expenses, meals en route and the gift etc.
I think your husband needs to call his friend and explain exactly why you are not paying her for the meals and why you were so upset to not be able to attend. I bet this will cause LOTS of drama for their marriage, but at least he will see her for what she really is. He needs to make this call if he wants to keep the friendship. Because he will still be around as a mate, long after this marriage is over, and it wont last, who could live a life with a cow like that!!!!
If anyone should be reimbursing, it should be her, it was entirely her fault and you guys are out of pocket now for going all that way, to not even be able to attend. Through no fault of your own.

Answer 5

All I can say is WOW!

First of all it was the bride's mistake to address the wedding invitation to "Mr. Duster and Family"- to me that implies all of Mr. Dusters' family - kids included- were invited. Second it is also the bride's fault that she did not specify that there was an age limit to attend HER wedding. Third- you do not owe this "bride" anything more nor should you "reimburse" her for meals not eaten. She should be made aware of the fact that SHE was the one who essentially "uninvited" you as a family. Fourth- if she had ANY class- she would have recognized how important your husband's friendship is to her soon to be husband- taken into account how far you have traveled and graciously added two more chairs for two little ones who could probably eat off your plate.

At least the groom had some class and apologized and even went out of his way to offer to pay for your airfare. Be thankful that this friend of your husband;s and his newly wed wife live very far away from you. At least you won't be subjected to horror BBQs and get togethers!!

Answer 6

By sending an invite to you that says "and Family" and not specifying that only children over 10 are allowed... she seems to be totally out of line the way she reacted with you. Obviously, you did nothing wrong and I sincerely doubt her day would have been ruined in any way because there were a couple babies there.. especially since it was a miscommunication on her part. Is the bride normally this picky about things? If not, give her time to cool down. A wedding is stressful and she probably has no idea how poorly she is acting... not that it is a excuse to be rude by any means! I certainly hope she can come to her senses as time passes, it would be a shame for a friendship to end over such a silly thing!

Answer 7

Lol, oh dear I am sorry I actually agree with starlight, she seems to be the only one that makes any sense ! Of course you were upset when your older sister was not asked to be bridesmaid,but the bride has every right to have whom she wants there and the fact that your sister is 7 months pregnant I would have thought would have been a relief for her not to have to stand or get dressed up in a silly frock with a big tummy. The bride cant help being 9 months pregnant at this point and she is well aware of the size of herself so that did not need saying. If you are so loyal to your older sister, and not your brother, that you can refuse to go to the wedding then I think you are wrong, sorry. Your older sister was p*ssed at not being asked and now a war has erupted, whats the point ? The bride did at least ask your opinion on whether your older sister would be upset at not being asked and you said yes, I personally would have said "ask her yourself" unless you are the spokesperson for the family. Ok here comes thumbs down, so what, you asked for peoples opinions and you have to take the ones that disagree with you too or there is no point in asking, if all you want is reaffirmation that what you did is right then hopefully there will be others that think the same as starlight and myself. You should go to the wedding, if you have so much influence over everything and everyone else in the family then you can make it right cant you.

Answer 8

Oh dear!

You're in the right. If I got an invitation reading "and family," I'd show up with my toddler in tow, too. And if no RSVP was requested, I'd figure that the reception would be quite informal and perfectly kid-friendly.

Frankly, while it might've been awkward, if I'd been the bride, I'd have grabbed the catering manager, rearranged place settings and welcomed you warmly. (And then grabbed my new husband and said "I thought you said their kids were older, sweetie!")

I suppose it always pays to double check if kids are included - but when you don't know the bride at all that's difficult. And it is still the host's responsibility to discreetly inform parents of the expectations. (They could have sent out an email offering the number of a local babysitting service, for example.)

If Bridezilla presses, I'd reply very honestly: "I'm so sorry you feel that our misunderstanding ruined your special day. But we did go to a great deal of effort and expense to be there for GROOM. As our husbands have been friends for most of their lives, I hope that we can put this behind us and start fresh. HUSBAND and I do wish you and GROOM the very best, and are sorry that we couldn't join you for the celebration."

Then don't apologize again.

Sheesh!

Answer 9

Boo hoo to the bride! Next time she should do her homework. You owe her nothing! Sounds like she would have made a good candidate for that Bridezilla show!

How shallow can one person get?? I understand that some people do not wish to have children but, as a mother myself, I also understand how difficult it can be to find a sitter, especially for a long weekend. If children were not invited or if a specific age of child was excluded, it should have been on the invitation and the invite certainly should not have been addressed to the family. If she had any type of grace, she would have graciously acknowledged the children's presence and yours and not made a scene over it considering the expense you incurred to get there.

Answer 10

What we have an excellent illustration of how ignoring "technical etiquette rules" can come back and bite you in the butt. Everyone involved could have done a lot better, but the whole mess could have been avoided if the invitations had only followed Miss Manners' rule of inviting EVERY guest by NAME, even children -- no "and guest" or "and family" wording is permitted.

The second lapse was the "no RSVP needed" message. For something as elaborately planned and detailed as most wedding receptions, hosts need to establish better lines of communication than "Here's the info, we hope to see you." Even if you were specifically instructed to NOT rsvp, it was short sighted of you to make all those arrangements and spend all that money without checking to make sure that everyone was the same page. Why didn't you call and discuss your plans before you made the costly arrangements? Hmmmmm ... back to that later.

The third lapse was the bride taking such umbrage at your children's presence when she (or the hosts) had given you no clear indication that your children would NOT be welcomed. If the invitation were correctly worded -- Mr & Mrs Dude Dustin -- then the presence of uninvited children would have indeed have been a great rudeness on your part. But in this case the hosts are at least much to blame as the poorly informed guests. Much can be forgiven brides on account of stress, but she should have let calmer heads deal with last minute crises.

The forth lapse is the unbelievable inference here that NO ONE thought of finding a baby sitter. After all the money you spent on travel and gifts, you could have called an agency for some sort of certified caregiver, like a nurse's aide or registered nanny, to come to your hotel. I can't accept that NO ONE thought of this or even attempted to arrange child care. Was everyone too busy fighting?

Having two empty seats and two leftover dinners hardly qualifies as "ruining" a wedding. For the sake of family harmony offer a compromise: you pay back HALF, the bride 'eats' the other half, and everyone involved agrees to 'kiss and make up' and to never mention the matter again.

The moral here is for hosts be very clear about who is and who is not welcome and for guests to call and double check before making any firm plans no matter how much they THINK they understand everything perfectly.

In closing, I suspect that you had an idea that your children weren't welcome and refrained from establishing better communications because "It's easier to get forgiveness than to get permission." If that is the case, then you were being sneaky -- you should 'fess up and reimburse the bride.