My step-son is bullying my children and others at school. What can I do to stop it?

Question

He came to live with us 2 & a half years ago after living with his mum. (She moved around so we could not find him or her so when he moved in with us at 11 he was a complete stranger to us) From what we can gather & from what we know about his home life, it appears domestic violence was common place as was swearing & shouting at each other, he basically ran riot with no proper supervision or care. She has 3 other children with the man she lives with & it seems that it was always made clear to Josh that he was different & not really wanted there. Since he has moved in with us we have bent over backwards to help him adjust to living with us, constantly reasuring him how much he is loved & wanted in our family, but dispite this he bullies our children with really spiteful hurtful words that reduce my son to tears. Our son has gone from a happy go lucky confident child to a nervous wreck. We have spoken to him about his bullying and told him it won't be tolerated but still he does it Help

Answer 1

Time to stop speaking to him and start with some consequences. Not sure if you have already done this, but from the way it sounds you've told him it won't be tolerated - not shown him.

I would say the first thing he needs is some type of therapist to talk to, so that he can maintain a normal home life at some point in his life.

So he's 13 or so? I'd start laying down the law on what was going to happen when he treated his siblings badly. No phone, no cable, no games, no internet... no whatever.

I wouldn't take everything away from him at once, but I would tell him what item was being taken away and for how long. If he was still doing it, I'd pick somethng else (after a warning) and tell him how long it was going to be taken away.

If he decides to be such a little sh*t that numerous things are taken away, just make a chart and put it up somewhere for him. That way he can see what his bad behaviour is getting him and what good behavior would get him.

For example, once he's lost several things he might start thinking 'man, being a jerk isn't worth the price I'm paying'. He can look at the chart and know he's only got 3 days left until he gets something back, and 5 or 6 days left until he gets something else back. Then HE is responsible for HIS actions - he's deciding what his life is like.

Good luck to you guys.

Answer 2

I was transferred to a school in the next village at age 11 because of bullying. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I remember in my new school a girl started crying when she was teased, and her classmates were shocked, said sorry to her and explained they didn't mean it like that and wouldn't do it again. Now that was an eye-opener to me. In the school I came from, when a kid (me, usually) started crying, the whole school would gather around them and start laughing. And the teachers? They knew nothing. Now that was in the early 80s, when bullying wasn't very much recognized as an actual problem yet. Nowadays schools are supposed to do something about it. If a 13 year old is actually tortured and the school does nothing, he has to go away from that school and attend a normal school instead.

Answer 3

Speaking from experience. A good friend of mine ended up having her grandaughter move in because the step-father and this children as well as her mother ... made sure she knew she wasn't wanted there. In the beginning Jessy was given extra love and made sure she knew that no matter what there would always be security with them (her grandparents). There was some acting up, and other stuff, and when her grandmother told her that she needed to obey the rules or leave Jessy decided the care and love she was now receiving was worth making sure she followed the rules. She has just finished college, goes to church, volunteers etc. She was allowed time in the beginning, but then the time came for her to allow herself to care again. She was 12 at the time this took place. Good luck. The main thing is that you can't change the past, but you can make his future a whole lot brighter.

Answer 4

Three things:

1. The proper mix of encouragement and discipline at home. Praise him and reward him when he does good. Shower him with love at all times. But punish him when he does bad.

2. Talk to him. Let him know what is right and what is wrong and why. Show him that you love and support him, but rationally explain that there are consequences to what he does. The longterm effect of his actions is lack of friendship, rejection, poor schooling, and a long, hard life as a result of these things.

3. Get him into professional counseling immediately. He is going to need that desperately if he experienced domestic violence in any way, shape, or form. Talk to your family doctor for a referral if you do not know where to start.

Good luck!

Answer 5

The child needs professional counseling to find out why he is acting this way. They need to get to the cause of the problem so that the kid can work through it. Most kids who bully are severely insecure and that act out towards others in order to make themselves feel stronger or better. It's almost like a coping mechanism.

You are also going to have to boost your own sons confidence by getting him to stand up for himself. You need to express to him that his step-brother has problems and that he is very insecure which is why he is acting this way. He needs to be able to stand up to him. Once he does his confidence will come back...who knows it might even resolve some problems with this child.

More over this kids doesn't need complete reign of the house. If he does something wrong he needs to be punished. He does not need to be babied just because he has had it rough. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions.

Get some family counseling and some individual counseling for the child.

Good Luck

Answer 6

He should probably be receiving some kind of counseling and it seems as though you want to show him how much you love him but your not being strict with him. I can understand this b/c of his rough up bringing you want to now smoother him with love and affection. But tough love works too. You need to put your foot down and set some VERY strict rules with strict consequences if broken. I know it sounds harsh but it is the best for all of you and once he gets use to the rules things will lighten up for everyone. When enforcing the punishments you can even give him cool down time but then explain to him that you love him very much and are happy that he is part of your family but these behaviors will not be tolerated BUT stick to the punishment. It will get better, you just have to be consistent and don't give in no matter what. Even if he tries to play the poor me game, let him know that you are there to listen if he needs to talk about what happened to him but it will not change your mind on the punishment.

Answer 7

The problems that your step son has are more than you can deal with on your own. He needs some counseling to help deal with the anger, sadness and worthlessness that comes from being an abused child.
You also need family therapy to help you all learn how to deal with his special problems and to have someone to talk with about your own frustrations in dealing with a special needs child.
Also, it is imperative with kids that had no kind of supervision to have a structure and rules. It is very important to be consist ant with discipline. I suggest the time out method etc..,

Answer 8

Let him know that this behavior will not be tolerated. What does your husband say about this? Why doesn't he step up and protect your children from this bully? The only way to stop a bully is to back him down.

You don't say how much younger your son is.

Answer 9

Hts problem is that he has been bullied and pushed around with very little love in his life that now he is fighting everybody and everything.What a shame.My suggestions .....because there are no easy answers . would be to speak to social services in your area and see if they can speak to him .How would he react if you threaten to throw him out.could he live with somebody else ,,,As i said before there are no easy answers,,,I suppose the church is out of the question...You certainly have a serious problem there ..Good Luck i hope you can sort something out betweenyou

Answer 10

Sit down with your husband to come up with rules of the house and the consequences. When this is done, both of you show the rules to the kids. Then DO IT>