What can I do to boost my daughters self confidence?

Question

My daughter is a very good swimmer. She swims because she loves to swim, and not because we as parents force her to do so. She is ranked as one of the top swimmers in our state, and as one of the top swimmers in the country. In fact in our state there is only one other girl that can beat her half the time.
The problem we have is that she honestly doesn't see herself as being any good. When she does race someone who has a better time, she allows them to beat her, because she doesn't put forth the effort to win the race. Her coach has talked to her in an effort to light that spark, but she tells him she doesn't care if she looses. The only time she'll put forth a good race effort is when a competitor says she's short, and will be easy to beat when in an open age event. She is 13, and has beat many of our high school record, and her times are already good enough for a division III university, and about 1/2 second from some Division II qualifying times.

Any Ideas??????

She excells in school, has many friends, and is very social. I've tried to have her try a diffferent sport, and she doesn't want to do anything. Even though in gym class she has beaten all the girls in her grade, and all the boys but one. This is from the gym teacher/cross country coach.

I have never made a big deal about her winning or loosing. I do not push her. Frankly it pisses me off when I see people doing that to there children, in any sport. I haven't spoken to her about my concerns. I believe that if your going to do something give 100% effort, and not side step a possible let down by not facing a challenge we never know what we can truely achive, in sports or in life.

Answer 1

A good message I think is to try to do your best, not worry about how you do versus other people. Competition can sometimes lead to those kind of comparisons and lower your self-worth. No matter how good you are at something after all, there is always someone better who will beat you. For kids this can sometimes be very demoralizing (for adults too actually)

Instead, perhaps you should have her focus on competing against herself. In other words, try to improve her times gradually; during an event think about the pace not other swimmers, after an event think about how you did versus past races and not other kids. Get her back into enjoying the sport by taking the pressure to beat others off of the table.

Answer 2

It's obvious she's an excellent swimmer and she has the awards to prove it. She knows she's good. It's possible that she swims just for the pleasure and is tired of competing. If she wants to quit competing, let her. See if she is ready to explore some other outlet at this time; maybe she's due for a change.

Answer 3

Yes, maybe people are shoving her too hard, and she doesn't care.

OR

Perhaps many of you are making a big deal of her losing, and she has developed self-esteem issues.

OR

Perhaps you and your family focus too much on her swimming, and don't look at her for what she is -- a PERSON.

It's great she has done so well, but who over there has asked her how she feels?

Answer 4

Maybe swimming is consuming her life so she doesn't care about winning or competing anymore. Maybe it's time to try another sport/hobby.

Answer 5

Frankly, I don't see why you feel there's a problem.

If she doesn't care enough about whether she loses some of the races, that's her choice.

You can't change her; it's unwise to try.

Answer 6

Your daughter sounds great! I think it's important as parents to tell her to do her very best and that's all you can do. Keep telling her that sometimes she may not be the best but at least she's participating and that';s what matter. tell her that she does not have to participate to win but to have fun.