Should I now cut all ties with my mother?

Question

When I was 13 and my sister was 11 my mother walked out the door and never came back. There was no explanation and a lot of hurt was caused. My dad brought me up and when I was 18 I fell pregnant I felt my mum should know so I told her and we started a relationship again. The rest of the family didn't understand why I let her back into my life and I was the only one who spoke to her. I am now 22 and recently had my daughter in hospital and my mum came. When we got out we took my daughter to burger king and my mum went crazy at me because there was ice in her coke. I seriously believe she has mental problems as she does things like this quite a lot and it's hard to tolerate her but I usually try to ignore it. This time I said I was more worried about the health of my daughter than ice in her coke and she hadn't even said she didn't want any. She stormed out again. Then she emailed me a few months later asking to see my kids so I let her come over. I was recently in hospital

with a severe kidney infection because I am pregnant and the baby is blocking it. I text her to let her know I had spent a few days in the hospital and was very ill and she hasn't even bothered to reply to me or call to see how I am. It confuses me how this woman could have been the best mother in the world for 13 years and now she acts like this. The rest of the family are telling me not to give her another chance - do you think I should just leave her completely alone now as she has no other family who want anything to do with her because of the way she treats people. I think she needs help but she never listens to anyone.

Answer 1

You have children to protect and your mother is unpredictable and for all you know could be violent. She has violent sounding outbursts so who knows what she might do. I would for sure never let her around your children. Listen to your family.

Answer 2

what it boils down to is do you feel free when she's not around? Everyone has a line where enough is enough and I don't subscribe to this view of - but she's your mum. She sounds like a car that's gone off the road and is completely out of control. To go through college, to work, to love... you need a certain degree of stability. who knows in 10 years you may feel differently... next month you might want to let her back into your life because you miss her. But I think for just a little while - you're allowed to have a life free of the inevitable drama that she brings x

Answer 3

Jen - it sounds like YOU WANT to keep your mother in your life even though the rest of your family doesn't want to have any involvement with her. If that's what YOU want, then keep her in your life. You don't need to please your family.

Be cautious because she has some emotional/mental issues, but she is still the woman who according to you 'was the best mother for 13 years." Just accept her as she is now and don't try to make her be/do anything that she is not willing to do.

Answer 4

Yeah, it does sound like she has major mental/emotional problems.
If you want things to improve for her, then you ought to look into getting her some help.
Talk to the United Way or city/county health services about a referral. Chances are there is a program for screening and treatment, either out-patient or in a facility.
If you can't get her some help (or get her to the help), you need to limit visits with her to those you can rendezvous with her for... in other words... keep her out of your house and away from the kids.

Answer 5

It sounds like she has some serious issues that only she can deal with. You say she was a good mum up untill you turned 13, can you remember if anything happened around that time that would have caused her to have a break down of some sort? perhaps some one she was close to died? or depression that suddenly got all too much?

I would try to talk to her tell her that your really worried about her and you think she should talk to someone about her problems, If she goes off on one just calmly explain to her that she cant pick and choose when to be a part of yours and your childrens lives. Its not fair on you or your kids to be treated like that , for the sake of your own sanity you need to decide if you really want her in your lives, tell her you will give her the support she needs but she has GOT to prove worthy of your time and support if she cant help herself then there is very little point in you trying to help her.

My hubby and I have cut all ties with his mum, it was quite hard to do but we decided that it wasnt fair on our children to have a nanna that isnt stable and isnt able to commit to being a regular part of our lives, Luckly like you our children are too young to understand whats happend , we stopped it all before we got to the stage where they are asking questions as to why nanna says she will come to see them then never turns up, and allways forgets there birthdays!

It wont be easy to do but I would concentrate on being a good mum yourself, I wouldnt let her be a part of your kids lives untill she proves that she can maintain a good relationship with you alone. remember she has got a lot of making up to do SHE walked out on you. good luck x

Answer 6

This is wow. Only you can make that decison. She is your mother. But also, just think and put it in consideration. Think about your daughter. Will your mother hurt her with her out bursts? Is it healthy for her to see your mother like that? Don't forget you have a daughter to think about too and to protect her. Those are just thoughts to consider, but you are the only one that can make the call to see her or not. She is your mother and if you love her in your heart, then let her in.

Answer 7

I think you have to follow your heart...and dragon is right
You WANT your Mom in your life, after all she held you next to her heart for almost a year before raising you for 13....
Sometimes things happen in our lives that we dont or CANT share with others and they have NO CLUE why we act the way we do. Maybe if you knew WHY she has issues with things it would help....Would she talk to you if you showed her this Y!A ???? Perhaps it would...............
Best of luck, sweetz!

Answer 8

As hard as it may be you need to make that decision based on what is best for your own children! Do you think its more of a positive thing to have their grandmother around or more of a negative influence on them to see her outbursts?

Answer 9

Don't expect anything from her but be grateful for what she does do.It's sad about your mom but remember if she teaches you nothing else in life she has taught you not to be a mom like her.

Answer 10

Its a tough situation.. but thats something your heart and only your heart can tell you..

remember its your mother... not just a friend..