why do people have so much disdain and judgement of unwed mothers?

Question

Doesn't that seem counterproductive to be hostile to a woman who is raising a child alone and who probably needs help and support? I mean, if you care about the experience of the child, why would you do this? Hurt the parent...hurt the child. Does this still occur in our culture because of religious views? Why are so many of the fathers getting off the hook form the scorn and judgement? Is this all just another symptom of a patriarchal culture? Don't you agree that it takes a village to raise a child to be a healthy, well adjusted human being?

Answer 1

I too an an unwed mother of two children - a 2 month old and an almost 4 year old (both have the same father). Unfortunately, the only disdain and judgement that I have had to deal with came from my parents.

I think it is counterproductive to be hostile to someone raising a child alone. My mother came around and she and my son are now inseperable. There are plenty of people who are more than willing to support single moms. Single mothers should align themselves with these people and distance themsellves from people who have nothing postive to offer. Society has and always will hold men and women to different standards. I am only concerned with the standards that I have set for myself and my children.

Answer 2

Some people are judgmental and feel because they did not get into this situation that they are somehow superior. Keep in mind that it does not mean they could not have the problem only that they were not caught. You can never rectify nor justify this type of narrow minded behavior. The same people are quick to help unplanned puppies. All you can do is make the best decision for the child and not even try to address stupidity and bias. All children should be loved and society as a whole must welcome and help every child to meet it's potential. That is the goal on which to focus and you can not worry about bigoted individuals.

Answer 3

Lots of this is explained in "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne.
Basically, we do have a Patriarchal culture (though huge pockets of Matriarchy do exist!)----but the true persecution of unwed mothers is a hold-over from village culture, when an extra mouth to feed HAD to be fed by a Father either farming, or hunting, food. Women rarely had the means to farm and process food for their families by themselves, or to head out every day to hunt animals---they had to be home, nursing the baby and caring for it. When life was at a bare subsistence level, which it was for most people until the Industrial Revolution and afterwards, there was just nothing to feed extra children. Even properly married women with children could quickly starve if they became widows.

Now, government taxes through welfare supports children like this, and some people see this as a similar burden, because of the relatively large expense of raising children in this economy, giving them benefits that didn't exist a few centuries ago----ready-made clothes, groceries, proper housing, education, and health care. On top of this, the "patriarch" (absent father) who should be part of the system, by raising his children and working to buy their food, clothes, health care, is paying nothing----other workers are taxed, and money that could be spent on their children goes to his, abandoned offspring.

Some assumptions are being made, and blamed on the Mother in these situations---women are assumed to be in control of their bodies, but all women also have an inborn urge to produce children, which is an irresistible drive. Unless this "drive" is constantly penalized, it will overcome any obstacle---women will literally (as they do in many parts of the world) have children in starvation conditions.

Answer 4

The real problem is that it takes TWO MARRIED PARENTS to raise a child. An unwed mother and a deadbeat dad means child neglect waiting to happen.

We can all appreciate the heartbreak of an unmarried mother deserted by the boyfriend, and admire her courage for letting the children live. But there is another side to this question: Many girls, especially in poverty cultures, gain status BECAUSE they have children outside of marriage. We want to discourage this behavior, and a degree of social disapproval is warranted.

The poster who thinks Eve and Mary were unwed mothers might want to reread the biblical evidence.

Cheers,
Bruce

Answer 5

Oh, I wish this was a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray here.

I'll be honest - I have issues with a 25 year old woman who has 4 children with 4 different fathers and has been living on welfare since she was 17. That bugs me. She's too Catholic to use birth control but not Catholic enough to keep her legs closed. (sorry, just someone I know)

Truth of the matter is, a children tend to do better when they have*positive* male and female influences in their lives., however, in today's society, it just isn't a reality in many cases.
Yes, we should support that mother emotionally and, if we can, provide a positive influence in their lives ourselves.

We also need to help some women (like the above mentioned) understand that they are doing their children no good at all by hopping from man to man and popping babies. There is something called enabling, and I will not do that.

Answer 6

You're probably right on all counts. I don't judge unwed mothers. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Unfortunately, our society doesn't see it this way. It's kind of like criticizing our political leaders for sins we commit ourselves.

The county where I live has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in the state. My wife works with these teen mothers for a living. Many parents of these teens encourage pregnancy because of governmental assistance. Usually, their educational efforts parallel this inferior attitude. We're breading a race of people who don't understand the value of education or work. Spiritual and religious efforts are almost non-existent. This may be more the reason for disdain.

We have two ladies in our church who were unwed mothers. One has since been married several times, has a history with drugs and alcohol, and rarely attends. At 36 years old, many of us think she should be improved by now. The other married the baby's father, got involved in church, and are now vibrant members. Her husband was just recently asked to become a deacon. We love them both but the couple has taken charge of their lives and are, needless-to-say, much more respected.

Answer 7

Unfortunately a young man and a young women need to see
that in the house, or they will keep repeating it. I grew up in the inner city.....where a lot of children have fatherless homes(shameful on the mans part), so they grow up thinking what is the big deal about having the man around. So it keeps continuing. A boy needs to see a father figure, whether in the house or not. A young girl needs to see her mother being helped by a decent man. Family values have completely deteriorated. Dysfunctunality in the inner city...has a lot to do with no father. The man should be made to feel disgraced also.

Answer 8

you're absolutely right single mothers need a ton of support, its a big responsibility and honorable that said mother would take care of the child on her own, and yeah the father gets off way easier all he has 2 do is pay child support.. i think mostly its just cuz it sets a bad example in a way, to be having premarital sex that is. (if indeed that is how the child was conceived). but no, its a very wonderful thing and the mother should be given encouragement.. to not do so would be ignorant.

Answer 9

On the one hand, I feel badly for those mothers because they made a bad choice and because their "man" abandoned them when he was needed the most. On the other hand, it makes me want to bash my head against a wall....how could they be so selfish as to get involved with a sexual relationship and not give any thought to the child they might potentially create? I mean, kids NEED a stable home with a father and mother, and when you have a baby out of wedlock the child is WAY less likely to have that. It's not healthy for the child.

And don't worry, I have plenty of scornful feelings for the fathers who just bugger off and don't lift a finger to help their pregnant girlfriends. They are just as responsible for the wellbeing of that child. They are just as selfish for engaging in sex with no thought to their potential children.

See, this is why God says that we should wait until marriage to have sex. Because it is WAY less complicated that way! And because the kids are far more likely to have their needs met.

Answer 10

As a single father and I have not experienced any form of judgmental behavior. In fact, there have been times that I have been praised for being a man raising a child alone.

I don't understand it. In a society of equality (well, it is supposed to be anyway), I am good, but a single mother is bad. Maybe one day we will all learn to be adults and understand that there are circumstances that people just don't understand and never will.