Is religion the reason he and his parents want me to give our child up for adoption?

Question

We are both 23, we both have good income and we both graduated w/ BA degrees. I just found out that I'm about 6 wks pregnant and it came as a shocker to both of us: we are not married and I am on birth control! After I told him, he said he needed to clear his head and ended up calling his parents in the mean time. He and his parents are both very religious Lutherans and now he is FORCING the idea of adoption on me. He said that if I decide to follow through with my wishes to parent the child that he will not be in our childs life. His reasoning is that he's "not ready" (his reasonings were: we live and work too far away from each other--1 hour, we're too young, not married, and we still like to go out w/ friends to bars and stuff on the weekends). I just don't understand, RELIGIOUSLY, isn't the morally correct thing to do to be responsible for the life you created. Isn't it God's gift? How can both him and his family disown a child? Is it just b/c we're not married?

To tripsbab:
I DID indeed ask a SIMILAR question yesterday but not the same one. I was asking for advice on how to handle the situation on my end of it. Now I'm just trying to figure out his end of it and if religion/not being married has anything to do w/ it. Also, my assumption as of yesterday was 7 wks, I went to the doc today for an ultrasound and I'm actually 6. So lay off, would ya?

Answer 1

Doesn't sound to me like religion has anything to do with it, it may be his excuse but a true christian would never abandon their child. He obviously doesn't want to be a parent but he can't force you to give that baby up any more than you can force him to be an active participant in the child's life. I know it is hurtful and cruel but at least now you have a little better idea of what type of man he is, they type that doesn't deserve you or your unborn child.

But no matter how he feels, he is still responsible for helping you support your baby. Make sure you get yourself a lawyer and file the necessary paperwork as soon as possible to get the child support ball rolling. Don't let him skip out on this child, he is just as responsible for its existance as you are.

Answer 2

WOW! I don't know about the part religion plays in this, but it sounds like a cop out really. I am a Christian, not a Lutheran, but it sounds like these people are trying to use religion as a reason. That's not right according to my religious beliefs, even though I don't think the Bible addresses adoption. I don't know how the Lutherans view marriage, but I know Christians think it is best that people get married and then have children, but it doesn't always work that way and those of us who are true Christians do not hold that against someone.

Anyway, I am adopted and I think his parents are probably thinking that if you keep the child his life will be ruined. The problem is this, he was an adult when he chose to sleep with you and he knew what could happen. Birth control pills are NOT 100% effective, nor are they a guarantee that you will not get pregnant. He should have known this if he is of at least average intelligence.

Second, if he thinks he will not be involved in the child's life should you decide to keep the baby, he couldn't be more WRONG! He may choose not to see his child, but he WILL be held responsible for making his share of the financial contributions involved in raising the child. You make sure of that even if you have to get a paternity test. You take him to court and make him pay his share.

Thirdly, it is possible that his family just thinks you two are too young and don't need to be strapped down by having a baby right now. There is nothing wrong with adoption and there is nothing wrong with deciding that the time is not right for the two of you. However, you should never be pressured into doing something you don't want to do. If you want to keep the child, keep it. It may very well mean your relationship with your boyfriend is over, but that would be his loss, not yours. You can raise a child on your own just fine. My sister did.

Finally, some people are immature and irresponsible and would do whatever it took to keep from having a child. A child is a life-long committment and responsibility. Nothing changes just because the child grows into adulthood. Things can always happen where the parents are once again needed. Your boyfriend and his parents might just be those kind of people. Sorry about that if they are.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Some people find it hard to own up to responsibility. You seem to be more mature than he or his parents. Although raising a child single handed is a hard thing to do it can and is done everyday. If he were not ready to have a child then he should have been responsible enough to prevent it from happening. If he were so religious he would not have been having sex in the first place without being married. And yes a child is a gift, one of God's miracles that he has allowed to be made by two people. I have faith in you that you will do the right thing and get on with your life a give love for both you and the missing father to your gift from God.

Answer 4

If you're not comfortable giving up your child, then by all means don't do it. If you do, chances are it will haunt you the rest of your days. If the daddy wants to split, let him because he'd be a sorry excuse for a dad. Also remember that a new little baby has a way of melting even the hardest of hearts and he and his parents might go ga-ga when they see the kid. Grandparents especially have a tendency to to that. As far as religion goes, that's his parents interpretation. I bet they'd have a hard time finding the bible verse where it says to give up your child if you aren't married.

Kids do change your lifestyle, that's for sure but don't think it's always for the worse. Besides, in a few years and as you grow older, you are going to lose interest in the bar scene anyway (unless you're an alcoholic that is). My last child (daughter) was an "accident" and proof that not all forms of birth control are 100% effective. But I know she came along to replace the baby we'd lost several years earlier. At first my wife was really hacked off about being pregnant but our daughter put an end to me finding my wife crying over the lost child. No one ever said parenting was easy, but the rewards are worth it. There's times when you'll loose sleep, miss out on other engagements, be up worrying about a sick child and so on, but when you come home and get that big hug, picture he/she drew of "Mommy" or giggles over the littlest thin, you'll realize you did the right thing by keeping your child. Hang in there and stand fast.

Answer 5

I think it is less about religion and more about being able to not have a reminder of what he and his parents may see as a mistake.

I think that the correct thing to do is what is in the best interest of the child. It is clear that he does not want to be responsible but it is important to hold him accountable. If you choose to keep this child and raise it you will need to establish paternity so that he can be responsible for this life he has created.

Often adoption is pushed by people when they have a fear that someone might consider abortion. I am sorry you are in this situation.

It would be my hope and wish that all children born into this world would come into it with a loving and supportive family eagerliy awaiting her or his birth. Unfortunately that is not always the case.

Blessings and peace to you as you travel this road.

Answer 6

It's probably worth pointing out that you were already participating in several things that religion does not condone. Sex before marriage, birth-control, were you living together? Either participating in or believing that these things are ok is what got you into this position in the first place...

That said it should not come as a surprise that your boyfriend would have this type of reaction. It is clear that you are not in a truly loving relationship.

Yet here we stand. Religiously speaking, there is nothing wrong with adoption. In fact sometimes it's a good alternative. But, if you don't want to give the baby up for adoption then don't. It's your baby. Either way your boyfriend will at least have to be involved in the sense of paying child support. Who knows, maybe further down the road he'll realize his grave mistake. At this point he probably wants you to give the child up for adoption because he doesn't want to have to pay child support, but that is not a reason to give up something that's such a part of you.

Answer 7

I don't think his reasons are religious in origin. I suspect they're more selfishly motivated, than anything else.

If he was really concerned about fathering a child, he should've used a condom (even though you were on birth control) or he shouldn't have had sex. Parenting is a choice, however, and he obviously has decided he doesn't want to be a parent. But, he did father the child, and as such is responsible for financial assistance if you choose to keep it. He, just doesn't want to do that, though that's still a large step down from the responsibilities of parenting.

He doesn't sound like much of a catch... I'd dump him, personally.

Answer 8

Your in a tough situation. Your right I know of no religion where it tells you to abandon your own child, gift from God. Which tells me this may not have to do with religion at all, he just doesn't want the responsibility of being a father. It seems he's more interested in enjoying the single life, going out with friends and doing whatever he pleases. I'm confused as to why he is pushing adoption. He doesn't want to hurt the baby by ending the pregnancy, wants you to go through with it and then give up your baby. Which may sound easy but I'm sure it isn't.
It's your decision now, you've seen his true colors, is this someone you would really want to have as a partner in life? if you decide to have the baby and raise it yourself, two things may happen. He may realize his mistake and do the right thing or he may do what he says he's going to do and not be in the babies life.
The real question for you now, putting aside all the boyfriend issues is: Are you ready to be a mother and provide for your baby? It will be hard no doubt, but the decision is now yours to make. Forget his views and what he is forcing on you, you need to stand up and make this decision based on what you feel and what you want to do. And do what feels right to you.

Good Luck!!

Answer 9

What a horrible thing to do to you. I feel for you. I would do what your heart tells you to do. If he chooses not to be a part of the childs life, you can still make him pay child support. I really think though, as the pregnancy progresses, and after the baby is born, they will come around. Most people do. Babies are just too precious to resist, and when people realize, hey...that is my child, or grand child, my flesh and blood, they think twice about giving it up.

I would give him some time to come around. He is probably just in shock, and guys take a little longer to get through that shock than us women do. His current excuses sound pretty lame, and for all you know, he is just saying that about his parents, because he is scared out of his wits, about the prospect of a child. It is a big responsibility, but it does come with a lot of joy, and blessings. If he doesn't come around, so be it. You will still have a beautiful baby, and hopefully your family will be more than happy to support, and help you. You will just have to take him to court and get child support ordered. Hopefully you will not have to go that far.

Hang in there, I hope this helps to ease your mind a little bit.

Answer 10

I would leave him.
If he says he's not ready to have a child,then he definitely shouldn't have been having sex. Lord knows that's the way to get pregnant, even if you use birth control, it still happens!
He sounds immature. He's using his religion as a crutch. Ultimately, it comes down to you: What do you want to do? It seems like you don't want to give the child up for adoption, and I'm assuming you'd rather not abort. I guess your only other option is to have the baby, with or without him.
I'd have to say that he and his family are hypocrites. Many times religious people will do something that goes against everything one might have thought was the right thing to do. Love thy neighbor (unless your neighbor happens to not be Christian, then it's okay to dump on them, etc.) Do you really want to be a part of a family that's like that? I wouldn't. I'd rather raise the child myself with good clear morals than raise him or her with a husband who is a hypocrite and uses religion as an excuse for being too scared to raise a baby.