This is unfortunately someone who is a permanent fixture in my life, so I have no choice but to deal with it. The Nolte is so tired of being taken advantage of, though. I've helped this person on countless occasions, yet they're hell bent on focusing on my weaknesses and negative characteristics.
How do you deal with people like this?
2007-10-23 03:56:09 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Indya, this person isn't deserving of love. It's an in-law.
2007-10-23 04:02:50 · update #1
Seems to me that people who do this often have weaknesses of their own and low self esteem... lack self assurrance and feel insecure. They gain confidence by exposing the deficiencies in others.
If you give this person too much of yourself, stop doing it. You will never impress this person by your generosity as seems to me that they are "takers" not givers. Just say no for a while until they learn to place a value your contributions.
2007-10-23 11:54:57 · answer #1 · answered by Icy Gazpacho 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Shelly and Dreamer are giving you good advice.
I'll only add:
Ask yourself why are you still helping this person when they are treating you like this? I understand that they are 'family' but I wouldn't let them get away with it. Would it be possible to talk to the 'owner' (whoever this person is connected to the family through) of the in-law ? Perhaps get their side of things, see if they can put a different spin on the situation?
Without knowing more of the situation it's difficult to advise - if it was your wife's family, it would be different to if it was your brother's wife for instance. The former would have to be treated diplomatically unless you want real trouble, while with the latter I would tell them where to go quite honestly.
Life is too short to be accepting of bad behaviour just for the sake of family peace. You have done what you can, now it's time to do what you want or need for your own peace of mind.
And anyway, you don't HAVE any weaknesses or negative characteristics!!
(((((NOLTE)))))
EDIT:
We could always send Leonidus round . . .
2007-10-23 05:33:12 · answer #2 · answered by Grotty Bodkin is not dead!!! 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Hi Nolte, this might not come out right but I'll try.
Sometimes I think that people like this actually DO see the good in you and that forces them to look at themselves and realize that they do NOT possess those qualities. They don't want you to be you because they fear it might make THEM look bad. I think these people do things to make you feel bad about yourself in the hope of preventing you from being the great person that you are. (I don't know if that came out right, I hope you can understand what I mean.)
If this person is in the family (and believe me I have some people in my family that are the same way) you might just have to stop helping them so that you won't feel so resentful. When you see them just be polite but don't offer to help them so much.
Just for the record, Nolte, you are a wonderful guy and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise :-)
2007-10-23 04:29:15 · answer #3 · answered by dreamer - VT-AM 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
LOL Grotty! I think Leonidus would be a little extreme, barging into the house yelling "THIS IS WHERE IN LAWS DIE" sort of thing.
Jealousy plays a big part. Focusing only on the weaknesses and negative aspects of a person (everybody has them) is a way to feel superior to that other person because subconsciously we are insecure. My grandmother, the fire breathing dragon of California, used to belittle me all the time, and nothing was ever good enough. One day I just thought to myself "why am I giving this person power to hurt me? why are the words coming from that human more hurtful than words from others?" So, little by little, I took away that power from her, and now she is as sweet as a diabetics chocolate bar.
2007-10-23 23:30:49 · answer #4 · answered by Starjumper the R&S Cow 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
In short, I don't.
Yes, you have to attend family functions and you have to be strong enough to take the high road. Know in your heart that they are insecure and that is why they utilize this type of behavior to tear you down... While you can not control how they act towards you or the things they say, you can control how you REact to it. Limit your contact as much as possible without allowing this to affect your marriage. Talk with your spouse about how this makes you feel and hopefully you will have some added support from that side.
My MIL is very similar to how you describe. I still attend family functions - that's part of my job as a wife, but when there, I usually try to seek out others in the family that aren't as negative. I usually spend a lot of time with my FIL instead...he's unfortunately treated the same as I am from his own wife so we have a kindred spirit in each other. If I have no choice but to spend time with her, I try to find neutral topics of conversation and yes, I've been known to agree with her just to keep the family balance.
This may sound trite, but someone can only take advantage of you when you allow it. If you are constantly doing things for them so that they might change their opinion of you, you will continue to end up right here...resentful. If you only participate in things that you WANT to, you might be able to find peace with the relationship.
I'm curious....what are your spouse's opinions on the matter?
The high road is hard to take sometimes, but it is worth the effort. I'm not sure if any of this helps...but Good luck!
2007-10-23 04:29:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, if she/he is a permanent person in your life (sucks to be you...><) I would help only on extreme cases, or better yet, just keep helping him/her the same way you are now, it does not matter if she/he is hellbent on looking at your weaknesses, but just to show them that you ARE a good and caring person. I normally deal with people like this, as I would do with anyone, just smile and wave pretty much...and keep doing what you've been doing, because you're doing something good for them, and even if they do not show any sort of appreciation for it, it is still better to help them. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck with your in-law, and I truly do pitty you...
2007-10-23 09:06:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is really not YOU. It is a self dissatisfaction.
THEY are not good enough, but their ego's don't allow for direct self loathing...so it is redirected at you. You do some things right, but the stuff you don't do right is so much more important, because it allows them, if only for a minute, to feel supirior. That is a method of control. Not nessisarily of you, but of a situation. Some people are control freaks, but not always with the same methods.
You have to let it roll off, and develope one h*ll of a thick skin where this person is concerned. If it is a relationship you are unwilling or unable to terminate, you must adapt. If you don't this person will wear you down till you are as self loathing as they are.
2007-10-23 04:05:13 · answer #7 · answered by M the Magnificent 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-07 11:14:23 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would change the way you are dealing with that person-
if you feel taken advantage of, and are not getting anything
except negative commentary....take a break from bailing
this person out all the time and then see what happens
2007-10-23 04:01:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately there are those that won't see the good in anyone at all. I would refuse to be taken advantage of though by someone who is unappreciative. If you have helped this person that much they should be kissing your butt, not pointing out YOUR weaknesses when you seem to be the strong one. Remind them of that if you need to....
.In-laws(or family in general) are tricky but I have had to just say no to them too...
2007-10-23 04:13:16 · answer #10 · answered by FallenAngel© 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋