My wife and I are trying to decide whether we should give the "birds and the bees" talk to our 8 year old.

Question

I think she is still a bit young, although she is smart and mature for her age. My 11 year old thinks we should tell her because "she needs to know". What do you think is the right age?

Note I am not seeking parenting advice from my 11 year old! She simply said "when are you going to tell Liz about where babies come from, because she is clueless and needs to know."

We have been answering her questions honestly for a while, so she knows that babies grow in mommy's belly and what the basic boy and girl parts are, etc. She doesn't know (I think) about intercourse, sperm and egg, etc. So what we are contemplating is when is it appropriate to cross that particular bridge.

Answer 1

I think 8 is just a little too young

Answer 2

By 8, she is probably already asking someone, if not you, about sex. I would not go into explicit detail about every little minute detail at that age, but there are some questions that need to be answered now.

There is a childrens book called "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle. It handles the subject very effectively, In the case of my parents, they bought the book and had it around for when we were ready to read it.

The book will give a few basics about the birds and the bees in an age-appropriate manner that will not embarrass you or your child.

The book is currently available at Amazon.com for 9.95.

Once the child reaches 10-12, the school system will have their own sex ed program.

While 8 is not old enough for most people to have sexual urges, some do mature early. Also, there have been children of that age who have become parents because they were not educated as to the consequences of the new "game" that someone wants to teach them.



And for those who say that is too young, at the age of 7, a 5 year old granddaughter of a neighbor was telling my younger sister, my younger brother, and myslef more than I am sure her grandparent's thought she knew. I have also persaonlly known several people who were sexually active by 12 (and some by the end of elementary school) At 14, virgins were in the MINORITY at my high school. And it has been proven by many scientists and doctors taht a girl can become pregnant BEFORE she ever has her first period. You don't talk to your kids about the facts of life and then you wonder why you become a grandparent while you are in your 30's.

Answer 3

Personally, I'm not a fan of "the birds and the bees TALK"

I think it's a better idea to introduce a dialogue over a period of years that provides for a constant back-and-forth. My older son is almost six years old, and while he knows NO details, he knows the basics of where babies come from. We'll use that as a basis when it comes to discussing what he needs to know about sex later on.

My aunt gave my sisters and I "the talk," without my mom and dad's permission. She had become pregnant with my cousin, and took us to a picnic and told us a lot more than my mom wanted us to know, without going into graphic details or a how-to session. Today is my cousin's sixteenth birthday, so this would have been around the time I was eleven and my sisters were ten and eight. I don't think she should have done it without consulting my parents, but I don't think being told at a young age caused us any harm. Having the knowledge that my aunt taught us at a young age did not lead any of us to have different sexual lives than we would have had otherwise.

Honestly, considering the fact that most kids are growing up a lot faster than kids did a few decades ago, it's probably a good idea to START the talk now. I'm not saying you should give her a book of Kama Sutra or a copy of Sex for Dummies, but I would start out with your wife (and possibly your other daughter) explaining what will happen with her body in the next few years. The sex talk and the baby-making talk can be a natural extension of the puberty talk.

I know you aren't taking parenting advice from your 11-year-old, but you may want to give her some credit. She knows, better than you and your wife probably do, what it's like to be a kid today. You may want to ask her at what age did she start hearing about sex and all that stuff outside of "the Talk" with her parents. Quite a few people I know started hearing about sex and stuff before they entered middle school (fifth grade, age ten, here). I recall a cousin telling me, when she was about eleven years old, that she was feeling pressure to have sex, and this was about nine years ago. If that's the case, you probably need to talk to her now, because she's not far from that age.

Answer 4

From the way your question is worded, it sounds like you plan on giving your daughter this information in one big "talk". I don't know what you have already discussed with her, but I would suggest more of an ongoing discussion that becomes more sophisticated as she ages. You can find age-appropriate materials for kids as young as 3 that start with proper names of body parts and how babies develop and progress all the way up to pre-adolescent and adolescent-appropriate information. You can tailor what you present when to her own level of maturity. I found a nice set of books for increasing ages at a Christian bookstore as I wanted that viewpoint and you should be able to find many non-sectarian materials at your local bookstore as well. The nice thing about the books is that you can leave them where they're available to her and even though she may roll her eyes at you when you're talking I can guarantee she'll look at them on her own- kids are always curious about that sort of thing and you want her to have the correct information.

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Great! Looks like you're on the right track. Again it depends on her level of maturity and what she has already been told. Sometimes kids at this age have already received a lot of (mis)information from their friends and tv. From where she is now I don't see anything wrong with telling her that there is a "contribution" from the mother and father to make a baby; that will probably lead to identifying egg, sperm, fertilization etc. at some point (and just how did that sperm get there in the first place?!) I don't know that I would push very explicit information at this age, but if she asks questions, try and answer them honestly and accurately. I've always tried to emphasize that just because this is a personal matter doesn't make it bad or dirty, so there's really no reason to feel embarassed about talking about it. It's also important within the next year or so to make sure she understands about puberty, menstruation, and healthy relationships between boys and girls. Happy talking!
PS- hope you're having age-appropriate discussions with 11 year old too!

Answer 5

I would go ahead and set her straight by telling her the basics now. You don't need to scare her with too many details but theres nothing wrong with teaching them young that babies don't happen out of no where and that it is a special thing. Kids these days would amaze you with how much they've already heard on tv or the school bus, etc. Its best that you set her in the right direction now to avoid problems later. This may also make her feel more comfortable about talking to you or her mother in the future. I would also talk to the 11 year old because she is obviously curious, maybe it could be a family discussion, explain a few things to them and then allow them to ask questions openly without criticism. Maybe get a few books from the library on sex and human anatomy, they have some out there that are targeted for younger children. Good Luck

Answer 6

I've been telling my children, perhaps not the standard, bird-n-bees talk since they were old enough to ask. Just adjust the topics to the age and level of interest. If all they want are names for their sexual organs, tell them the proper names and stop. If they want to know more, tell them exactly what they ask, with simple, 1 or 2 sentence answers. At 8, they are capable of understanding more than adults tend to believe. They are exposed to subtle and not-so-subtle references to sex and sexuality all of the time, even with careful editing of exposure by parents. Let her know you're there to answer her questions, give her an example question to break the ice, and just let it flow. Most importantly, don't be nervous or frightened of any subject, they'll sense it and back off and perhaps be wary of broaching that subject with you again.

Answer 7

It is very important that parents are the 1st to talk to their children about this topic. It is not only so they understand what it is and the plumbing but to protect them from predators. Face it people, we are in a society that they snatch little kids and make them prostitutes. If parents would talk to their kids at a younger age, (age appropriately of course) they might be more aware and a lot less children would be placed in this situation. I have a two year old that is very curious about her parts. Its normal. If we don't talk to them about it when we should who will. The TV already shows them a lot. The children at school tell them more, and you know if your in a healthy relationship yourself that they may even hear you. There are ways and means to tell them. Research it! Buy a book. Show them the parts in the book, and answer questions that they may have. But don't go into details. But do it for their safety, if not anything else. Please explain to your children that it is not safe for grown ups, or other kids to touch them in these places at least. Make it a very serious discussion around that. You might make your child 1 less victims.

Answer 8

My seven year old is already asking questions. I am trying to put it off a little longer until she can understand a little better. On the other hand, they learn a lot in school and I'd rather her learn it correctly from her parents than from another child at school who doesn't know what they are talking about. I'll probably tell her soon.

Answer 9

It depends on what your motives are. If you want to tell her before her friends do, then you should tell her now. Probably should have told her earlier. Note that she might never ask you about it, so you can't necessarily wait for that. On the other hand, if you want to wait to tell her until she needs to know, then you can wait a bit longer. You should still do it before she hits puberty, but there's plenty of time for that. They usually don't hit until 11, although I'd go earlier than that just to be safe. Maybe 9.5 or 10.

Answer 10

Most child development experts will say that it shouldn't be one "talk" but an ongoing dialogue over time that presents information in a relevant and age-appropriate way.

Is there a "teachable moment" for you to use to introduce this topic? Is someone in the family having a baby, or is a pet having a litter? Can you tune in to the Discovery Channel or use something else going on around you to bring up the subject?

Nowadays, kids are learning things at a younger age. I don't necessarily think this is good, but in our society (with TV/movies like they are) it is hard to avoid. So if you don't tell her something and frame it in a way that matches your family values, she will learn it from others who might not present it the way you would prefer and might even give her inaccurate information. There are several books on the subject written at different levels--your local library might be a good resource for that. You may also be able to find resources that match your particular faith and family values--this context is what is missing from so much of what is presented in sex ed in our society today, so it is up to parents to provide that foundation.

One good way to tell if she is ready is if she is asking questions, or showing other signs of being curious. Your 11-year-old may be fielding the questions instead of you if you younger daughter somehow senses that this is a sensitive or forbidden topic and she is embarrassed or afraid to ask you.

When you do have "the talk", keep in mind that it should be the first of many talks on this subject as she grows up and has more specific questions and specific situations arise. Keep a good open line of communication with your kids on a wide variety of topics that they may face as they reach adolescence. Do some role-playing and problem-solving to help them learn how to speak up for themselves, resist negative peer pressure, and make healthy decisions.

Good luck!

Answer 11

Why would you want to talk to an 8 year old about sex? did something spark this conversation idea? did she see something or hear something?
Or are you just pulling htis random conversation out of your head?
I think eight is WAY too young to hear about sex. she probably doesnt even think about it, or care to know about it yet. why make her grow up any faster than she needs to?
Wait until she becomes a "woman" to talk about this. meaning wait until she gets her period. If you SUSPECT she is curious, or questions it, or maybe running with a bad crowd, or has been exposed to this, then definitely start the issue. but not out of the blue. she is still a little child!
I have a 8 year old step son. All he cares about is riding bikes, playing video games and spongebob. i couldnt imagine getting that deep with someone so young!