Atheists and agnostics, would you end a relationship with someone you love over religious differences?

Question

My fiance made it clear to me recently that he wants to raise his kids to believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose again and all that stuff. He doesn't want me to give them ideas about other faiths or lead them to believe that his way of believing could be wrong. I don't think I can stomach watching my own children grow up being forced to believe in something I personally feel is incorrect. We do not have children yet, so I could still walk away from this without making any major mistakes.

This is the kind of stuff people break up over, right?

I honestly don't know what to do.

Answer 1

It's something I would never start to begin with. If my girlfriend told me that she wants to raise my kids with the fairytale of God, I would never use the term "fiance" to describe her. She would be GONE!

Answer 2

It Is Common For Many Of The “More Intellectual Or Scientific Thinking” People To Become Skeptical About The Numerous Discrepancies And Conflicting Teachings Concerning GOD And Jesus Because Unfortunately Anyone Who Can Read And Speak Can Be Considered A Preacher Or Teacher Or Authority Of “The Word” While Many Of Those Same Are Truly Agnostic Teachers Themselves And Their Interpretations Of “The Word“ Frustrate The “More Intellectual Or Scientific Thinking“ People. Unfortunately, Some Of These Same “Agnostic Readers Of The Word” Have Led Many People Unto Becoming Agnostic / Atheists. Moreover, About Those Becoming Agnostic, Truly By Definition, Everyone Is Originally Agnostic But These Are Those Who Remain Agnostic. This Really Isn’t A Religion But Rather A Confession Of Their Religious Views Or The View / Philosophy Of Religion. The Word “Agnostic” Simply Means Without Knowledge / Not Knowing (Of Spiritual Truth) And Unfortunately Only Very Few Seem To Obtain Enlightenment. Not To Belittle Your Level Of Intelligence But For The Sake Of Any Other Readers Of This Answer, The Word “Atheist” Simply Means Without Belief In GOD Or Gods. However, Many Atheist Know More About The Scripture Than Most Christians But Because Of Their Not Becoming Enlightened Unto Its’ Truth But Rather Receive It Simply As It Reads. They Become Discouraged, Disgusted And Then Sometimes Adversarial Even Becoming “Militant Atheists“. You Are Not At This Stage Yet, But By Publicly Declaring Your Desire Of Atheism, Please Be Aware, You Will Surely Attract Some Who Will Attempt To Teach You Their Views, So You Can Endeavor To Convert Even Your Parents. With This Being Said, Because You State You Are “Prone To Atheism“, Please Consider The Following. If You Are Seeking Approval From The Atheist Community To Shed You Learned Morals And Values, And If You Are Seeking Some Stranger’s Opinion Of, And / Or Condoning Of, You To Have Sex Outside Of Wedlock, You Will Surely Find It Here. However, Consider It Is Typical For A Young Person To Feel The Urge To Rebel. This Is How Independence Unto Adulthood Is Achieved. Your Stating, “Once You Are An Adult, Your Actions Are Not Even Any Of Your Parent’s Concern”, Couldn’t Be Further From The Truth. They Taught You Their Morals And Values And Standards Of Life In The Hopes That As You Go Through Life, You Would Use These Teachings To Make Good Decisions, Not Solicit Some Complete Stranger’s On The Internet, Who Couldn’t Care Less About You Or The Consequences You May Suffer Due To Their Stuporous Advice. You Should Consider Your Parents Are Those Who Will Love And Care For You Through All Of Your Life Experiences And Only They Have Your Best Interest At Heart. You Should Strongly Contemplate Your Relationship With Your Parents. Your Refusal Or Their “Adamant Christian“ Nature Can Possibly Be Perceived As A Partial Denial, Rejection And / Or Even Disownment Of Them. Remember, It Is Your Parents Who Will Think About You, Far More Than You Think About Them And You May Have Several “Long Term Relationships“, Boyfriends Or Marriages, But You Will Only Ever Have, One Set Of Parents. Truly, When You Become One, You Will Completely Understand.

Answer 3

Linz,
This kind of thing totally sucks!
I personally know of very few couples that don't agree on something as personal as religious beliefs. I'm sure they are out there... but, like you said, this is a major reason that people break up. My wife has been through all kinds of religious phases, from Baptist to Wiccan! I tried to be tolerant, but it actually got on my nerves. It definitely lead to my giving up religion for good.
I totally understand how you feel about the possibility of teaching your kids something you think is fake... I couldn't do it. I didn't Force my kids to believe any particular way, but I did tell them why I believe what I believe. My son is a pretty strong atheist, my daughter is more agnostic.
From what I know about you, I'm sure you'll figure it out and find happiness. You're a beautiful woman (sexy, too!) and some guy (maybe your fiance) will realize what a "catch" you are and hold on to you tight! (if I weren't married,... look out!)
Good luck!
S

Answer 4

Uh oh.

Hate to say this - but your fiance sounds narrow minded.

Of course you can't stomach it. I went THROUGH it as a kid. Did you? I was raised Catholic. In the end - I have accepted the fact that my Mom was simply doing what she thought was best. She is still a Catholic. In fact - she was Catholic Woman of the Year for her diocese a few years back. She does volunteer work almost everyday. She is a BEAUTIFUL person - and though I know she is sad in her heart that I am no longer a Catholic - and I couldn't find happiness in the Catholic church - she is happy that I have found my own Spiritual path. AND - I respect my Mom - because she stands true to what she believes. We really respect each other and our beliefs.

However - if my Mom were to have stood by and let my Dad raise me up as a Christian - and then I later learned that she didn't really believe any of it..... well - I would not respect her.

I'm sure you want your kids to respect you.

Religion is a choice. From observing you on Y! A - I KNOW that you know that. You respect everybody's choice.

Sounds like your fiance is not of the same mindset.

Still - maybe there is a compromise. I don't think it's right for religion to be forced on kids. But it's also not cool to tell them that "Dad is wrong." I don't think Christians are "wrong." Nobody has to be "wrong." (that only happens when people say their way is the ONLY way and others are wrong)

So - what if you raise the kids to know about MANY religions - and you celebrate all of them. And Christianity has a special place in your house because it's the religion that Dad chose - so it's very special. Celebrate them ALL! Christianity included.

Sadly - many Christians won't go for this - because the Bible says that Jesus is the ONLY way to go.

Yes, Linz - this is the kind of stuff people break up over. I remember you telling me once that he was cool with you having whatever religious beliefs you chose. Kids - it seems - are another issue. If you really want children - and you want well rounded - informed children - you know in your heart that you can't just be teaching them somebody else's religious beliefs that are not in sync with yours.

Have a conversation with him about compromise. (Although - some will tell you that compromise is not a great thing - because NOBODY is really getting what they want.) The conversation should take a long time. If you don't walk away from the conversation feeling good in your heart - then you should keep walking.

You will be in my thoughts today!

Namaste!

Answer 5

(((Linz)))

This is such a tough situation to be in where only you can decide what is right for you. We can all give you advice and tell how how to make it work or to end it but you will have to make the very hard decision as to whether or not to continue this relationship.

It sounds as if your fiance is very closed minded when it comes to religion and raising children which is, of course as you know, a very major problem. Fighting over how to raise children is a very common problem in marriages and a very common factor in divorce. It is important that you and your spouse be on the same page when it comes to values - especially family values if you plan to have children together.

You love this person and I'm sure you know him very well. Do you think he can be reasoned with about the subject or will he not budge on his stance? If he is very firm in his stance and wanting to raise his children Christian and not even expose them to other faiths or give them the oppurtunity to be open minded and learn then I think you know where this is headed...I would at least try to reach a compromise, though.

There is always the alternative of not having children...which will depend on how strongly you both feel about wanting a family.

Good luck with this decision and I'm always here if you need to talk! ((Hugs))

Answer 6

That is a tough one. If I was just going to give a quick answer, I would say "dump the idiot".

However, I know that you are looking for more than that so I will tell you a story: A friend of mine is going through this right now. His wife & daughter go to church (and she goes to catholic school) while he stays home. She has always been taught that god is just as the church says. A few months back his daughter finally asked him why he doesn't go to church (she's 12). Against his wife's wishes he told her that he did not believe in any of it and tried to explain it to her. He also pointed her to a few web sites. Now his daughter is questioning because everything she reads about atheism makes more sense to her (she is a very smart person, especially for her age). In religion classes now she get in trouble because she questions what the nun says and from the sounds of it she out debates the nun in front of 30 other 12 year olds. He's proud of her yet his wife is furious with him for insiting this in her. Since this "enlightening", he and his wife hardly speak. They have been married for 20 years and it is just astonishing as to what it can do even after this long.

Best of luck, either way.

Answer 7

It really depends on if it is a deal breaker "for you". I do see a positive here though. You are talking about this BEFORE there is something to split over. The fact that you are communicating is good, so keep doing it. He may hold fast to those convictions now, but with further discussion he may see that educating them on all beliefs is beneficial. Love is a tricky thing, and in order for it to work we have to give and take and try our hardest to understand the viewpoint of the other individual in the relationship. If you can BOTH do that now (especially him!!!), before marriage and kids, then your chances of getting through even more difficult situations are promising.

You are looking ahead, I wish I had done that when I was younger. It would have made things much less difficult for me and my children. Take it from me - Me and my kids had to move half way around the globe to get away from their father. It's obviously been worth it, but could have been avoided had I done what you are doing now.

If after more communication - he still won't budge - I'd get out before there is no turning back. It is much more difficult (or impossible) to reverse the damage already done then to prevent it. I agree with other posters, that his views are close minded and one sided in regard to religion (which is bad in itself) - but I also get the feeling from your question that he also might be a bit controlling. That's not a personality trait that is easily rectified, and can become dangerous (I also have personal experience with that). There may be more underlying things to be concerned with here too. Keep your eyes open, keep communicating and trust your instinct before the words and feelings of others. For you are the one in the relationship and it's your future.

Good Luck, Linz!

Answer 8

I have in the past and will in the future. I do NOT want to be a therapist for my mate. so she will either have to get therapy or go. As Dr. Phil would say thats a deal breaker.

he gave you his answer and is telling you how mentally sick he is. Do you really want to live with a psychotic. Do you want to put your children through what he is going to put them through. Do you want to see your children grown mentally sick.

You may want to give him an ultimatum. He gets psychiatric help or it's over.

My son is 28, has a very good career in the computer field as Administrator. Had his home built when he was 21. Recently turned down a promotion since it would not put on the course he wants. Was given an award by the company he works for and a trip to a resort in Mexico. has a nice girlfriend, I've only talked to her once but things seem to be going well for them. He has more friends than i can keep up with.

Now i ask you this do you want to take advice from someone who's life it a complete mess or someone that has showed how to raise an emotionally, healthy happy child. by the way that is the name of one of the books i read while raising him. I am a single parent. And had custody of our son since he was 3 yrs old. I do give his mother a lot of credit for her part in raising him. We didn't get divorced be cause of religion since she is Buddhist (there is no deity, god, in Buddhism, in other words they are atheists).

You have to ask yourself what YOU want and what is best for YOU. And Love is NEVER enough... to make a marriage work.


Good luck

Answer 9

:( I'm really sorry, hon. I'm lucky to be with someone who feels the same way as me (even if they aren't as vocal about it). I was also lucky to have been raised with no religious tendencies whatsoever (even anti-religious tendencies, like atheism). Everything I know and believe is a result of personal research and introspection. So I can't tell you how raising a child this way will effect them.

However, obviously, you wouldn't want your children to have only the Christian point of view. So it would be absolutely necessary to offer them yours and others as well. If I were in your situation and my fiance was absolutely steadfast that he wouldn't allow me to even INFORM my children of other perspectives and options, then I would definitely say that the deal's been broken.

If he were to be okay with you telling them about "other ways" then maybe it would be all right. Your husband takes them to church for a few years; they pick up a few good lessons in life, a few bad ones; meanwhile you tell your children what you believe; you eventually give your children the option: do they want to continue going to church? Chances are, they'll say no. No kid wants to waste an entire half of a Sunday around stuffy people and preachers. And there isn't a sane kid alive that would want to hear about how their loving, beautiful mom is going to burn in Hell for eternity.

So given a chance, your kids may even come out better, considering the fact that they will already have heard both sides and would have made their decision (not to mention, there are actually a lot of good lessons in the Bible, once you filter out the hate, murder, lies, inconsistencies, bigotry, etc...). I've also found knowledge of the Bible enriching as far as understanding where certain cultural quirks and subtle nuances are concerned. Maybe that kind of relationship wouldn't be so bad, but only if he gave your kids a chance.

Even if he did allow you to disrupt their brainwashing though, Christians can be extremely fickle and prone to sudden, drastic change. It can be anything from deciding that a particular brand of toilet paper is sinful one day to (on the extreme end) performing "holy murders" (a.k.a. "cleansings") after a Holy Spirit inspired revelation (not that that's something to worry about necessarily :) ). Even if he never gets REALLY weird on you and abducts your kids or something like that, your children could possibly end up having less respect for one of you than the other, if not outrightly siding with one and shunning the other. And there will probably be a lot of conflict between the two of you when making big and possibly even small family decisions that you'd never have to make a big deal out of otherwise.

I don't know what your fiance's like, but if he's a good man and he's willing to be cooperative, it doesn't have to ruin your children. And like I said, maybe it will be a good life experience for them. It's a big decision. And you're right: people DO break up over this sort of thing. Nobody could blame you for it over such a huge difference in mindsets.

Good luck, Linz. :( It sucks to have to make this kind of decision, but at least it's good to know that there are plenty of good atheist guys out there, especially for a hot VT like yourself. :)

Hey, maybe you could get a Buddhist? :P

Answer 10

My guess is that this is not the only (or even the most prominent) thing that divide the two of you. You're describing someone who values critical thinking and analysis of issues (you) and someone else who is fearful about his and his children's life after death more than that critical thinking. These are two different fear scenarios: one real, the other fantasy. Such a schism must have other ramifications, including politics, family relationships, choice of friends, choice of free-time activities, the ability to respect someone else regardless of belief. His insistence that your opinion does not matter also indicates a power differential that would probably leak into other matters over time, if it hasn't already. (Does he always dictate the movies you attend, the parties you go to, the way you spend the weekend, and if he doesn't get his way, does he sulk or otherwise hold you emotionally hostage?)

If you were able to have a discussion about a way to expose your children to a variety of belief possibilities, then that would create new possibilities, but since he has thrown down the gauntlet, you either have to roll over & take it or decide it's not the kind of relationship you want to extend into a life-time commitment.

^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^

Answer 11

As an atheist, I only had one relationship end because of faith issues. and that was because she couldnt' see around that.

I was raised a catholic as well. I used to believe that Jesus of Nazerith died for our sins. Now I know he was just poor deluded fool.

I would have no problems raising my children predominantly religious, so long as the emphases is on the important parts, e.g. moral values and tolerance, and not on mysticism.