What would you say?

Question

As a mother myself, I hate to overstep any boundaries, but..

I have a friend who is way too hard on her three year old. She doesn't have a lot of money, so I often pick her and her child up and take them with me when I have to go to the grocery store or whatever because she doesn't have a car or a way to get there (she and her husband share the car and he takes it to work).

She straight up yells at him in the store, often telling him to "SHUT UP" when he isn't even being that loud. He'll just be talking, but she thinks he needs to be quiet when they shop.

Another time, I took them tot he doctor because he was sick and he kept wanting to get out of his seat in the waiting room and she told him to "sit his little @ss down and shut up."

She's otherwise a good mother, but the way she talks to him concerns me. Should I say something? What would I say?

Answer 1

call child protective services. this is ABUSE.

if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem.

Answer 2

In the interest of improving the child's environment, you should at least attempt to improve the parenting skills of this new mother. This should be done while the boy is in a playground or otherwise out of earshot. Ask her questions like where did she learn that, from her parents or her husband, did she really like it, and does she really think it is best for her son. She will probably defend it so you should be ready to go ahead with your explanation of an alternative, which no doubt you have in your mind. It should be based on the saying that goes something like you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar, or just having her put herself in those shoes and would she like being yelled and cussed at by a boss at work or by her husband at home, or would she prefer a softer approach. Ask her to think of a kinder way that might be just as effective. If she cannot think of one, then help her model one. My idea would be to talk to him like reading him a book, say firm corrections (i.e. "Sit!") to let him know when she is serious, stop the behavior immediately if he continues, and punish if he attempts a third time. That will give the child attention and keep him interested in something, restraint will make his attempts to run futile, and he will face consequences if he does not obey. Since she is poor, maybe you can even buy them 2 good books appropriate for his age or a little bit older so she can have one when you take them somewhere and maybe you can keep another in your car so you can ask her if she brought a book, then you can tell her not to worry, you bought him another.

Answer 3

I apologize in advance if this sounds too naive, especially since I was a bit hard on my son when he was younger.

When my oldest son was a in school, he was quite hyperactive and loud. His behavior wasn't evil or harmful, just disturbing to others. I am not proud of my using the same words that your friend used, but learned this after the fact.

You might want to speak to your close friend in private and tell her that she is your "good friend" otherwise you would not care enough to mention this. when you do, gently remind her that she is a good mother and you don't question her decision on child-rearing. You may suggest that I had a hard time with my son and used harsh words in public toward him and he now is bitter and negative because of the repetitious scoldings. My son is a good young man and has many friends, but far from being a gentleman or at peace with himself. I blame myself for his bitterness and anger sometimes, though he can make up his own mind.

My son is rough on others because I may have been too rough on him while he was a young impressionable child.

I love this kid like crazy, but he is bitter and sarcastic toward others on a regular basis, while his younger brother is peaceful and well-adjusted.

I hope that your friend can re-visit her choice of words and parenting style before her child becomes too familiar with the words SHUT-UP and sit your @*** down.

Answer 4

You are right to feel uncomfortable with how your friend responds to her son. I think you can say to your friend in a kind way that she needs to relax more around her son and be aware of how she sounds when she speaks to him. She may not even realize she is yelling or sounding unkind.

A good friend can really help her improve her parenting skills. She needs to learn what typical behavior is for small children and how to react accordingly.

You sound like a very kind and caring friend and I'm sure you will find a way to speak to her that helps her become a better mom. Be direct and to the point without being overly critical, that way she'll be more open to listening to you.

Remember if she is this way in public, she might be worse in private so see what you can do. Then again she may simply stress out in public situations with her child for fear of embarressment or not having control. Only you can really determine that.

All the best,

Loretta

Answer 5

Tell her you were watching a talk show about communicating with children and how amazing the speaker was. Give her advice as if you were so impressed by how the children reacted that you are going to try it with your family too. Maybe she will get the hint. The one thing you need to remember is that she was probably brought up the same way so old habits carry ya know? Don't invade too much because she may start on you.

Answer 6

As soon as you get to the point where you have no reservations about others telling you how to raise your children, then you should go ahead and talk to your "soon-to-be-ex-friend". You may disagree with how she speaks to her child, and most people probably share your concerns. But aside from phsycal abuse, I'd say suck it up and keep your well-intentioned criticism to yourself. I don't know of any mothers who respond well to someone else telling them how to raise their children.

Answer 7

No harm in talking to her, the line should be that mother is the FIRST TEACHER and a child takes from there.....rest you can add as the situation demands.

Answer 8

tell her that the way she speaks to her husband is a little harsh
its like disrespecting but dont tell her tht but its really rude for her to talk like that
i dont know and if u ask her if she has money problems she will feel bad
good luck
tell her the truth just be nice about u
good luck

Answer 9

u should diffently say something! just genrally say how much u hate abusive mothers and how although mothers get frustrated with ther kids its there job to keep it underwrps for her childs sake,

eg- i at the shops and they was this abusive mother, swearing at her kids, i was just so embarsed for her, its terrible how some people threat there own children ect..

or just say how u feel and how it concerns u and your just saying this for her benefit

Answer 10

I would tell her how much she upsets you, that you can no longer deal with her language, then stop making yourself available. I wouldn't deal with this at all, nor lie about why.