for the last 4 years, i've been so conflicted about whether to contact my dad. i was the last one in the family to still be in touch with him. everyone else given up, but i felt he would be more of a jerk if no one tried to deal with him. i thought he'd appreciate my faith in him, despite all the wrong things he's done to us all over the years (he was abusive and neglectful... but he also was so stoned on pot that he really thought it was everyone else that was wrong; pretty much paranoid, narcassitic, and a con-man).
i never expected magic from him, just kindness to his daughter. but finally i realized that if it were in his interest, he'd rip me off too, and that while i was a kid, he was never really there for me (in addition to the hitting and emotional abuse). i wrote him to not contact me until he felt like trying to be good to me.
now i have bad relationships with men, look to others to fill his role, and am worried he may die before i can be ready to contact him again.
2007-10-22 18:13:51 · 8 answers · asked by calm cool collected 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Why are you going after something you can never have? He was never a father to you. A father doesn't do those kind of things to their sons and daughters. They love them, nurture them, and protect them. I really think with you wanting to be around men, you are looking for a father figure to fill in the gaps that you wish you had with your father. So, trying to get something you desperately want and that you never can have is total self destructive.
I would consider reading "Bad Childhood, Good Life."
I know of someone who was in a situation like you, but this person had to have counseling.
2007-10-22 19:10:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my experience, people who are on drugs end up being completely apathetic to everyone else (they just don't care!). You need to let go of him, forgive him and just let him go. If he cared, he would have tried to see you by now, whether you wrote him and told him not to or not. He's your dad and he should have treated you better. Don't let the fact of your father being a horrible human being ruin your life. Live your life the way you know it should be lived and definately don't try to make your guys a substitute for your dad. That's a role that was unfilled in your life at the time it should have been filled, and now the time for that is over. The role of a man in your life now is as your friend and partner, and if you try to do anything else, you're never going to find happiness.
Harsh as it sounds, forget about a worthless man who gave you nothing but pain and misery and move on to a happy life.
2007-10-22 18:24:05 · answer #2 · answered by lonecabbage 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clearly you haven't dealt with this. Ultimately he's human and an adult, and you are not responsible for his behaviour. Substance abuse is a choice, and either he chooses to quit or not, there is nothing you can do but protect yourself - which is exactly what you did. You can't help him if he won't help himself. You shouldn't hate him, but you should move on.
As far as your relationship issues, they are yours hon - be an adult and go see a councillor to get a hold on what's happening in your head. You take control of, and responsibility for, your life and actions the way he never has! I'm not being mean, I'm stating my opinion on this aspect of your life. In other aspects you could be the most incredibly incharge person there is, but clearly he's a weak spot, and you need to talk to someone about it. It is not a weakness to talk to someone about this, and it doesn't make you crazy!
I hope he turns it around some day and comes looking for you, but please don't spend your life waiting for it to happen. You could be waiting forever.
2007-10-22 18:23:29 · answer #3 · answered by Lee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, that would be like calling an ex who verbally abused , put you down, and dumped you. You need to accept that your extended family doesn't care about you, its over. Their going to blame you, etc. if they were sorry they would have contacted you by now.
2016-05-24 23:33:25 · answer #4 · answered by anjanette 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counseling. He's not going to apologize to you for anything and in time as he gets older he'll simply rewrite history. Get yourself straight, if he wanted to get in touch with you, he wouldn't let anything stand in his way. It was a challenge anyway, and he proved he doesn't give a rats *ss about you.
2007-10-22 18:27:13 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't expect anything in your condition but do it for him just for the sake of doing it.
2007-10-22 18:26:31 · answer #6 · answered by L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know. I haven't seen mine since 1976. You tell me.
2007-10-22 19:17:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes but it doesn't mean you have to be super close though
2007-10-22 18:44:09 · answer #8 · answered by Mo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋