What should come first : Your own health,your grandsons' welfare or their Mother's "career" ...

Question

... I have been suffering from exhaustion due to travelling up and down the country sorting out Family problems.
I made a point of getting back last Friday evening (with lots of trouble due to the train delays so I had to change *twice*) so that my son and daughter-in-law could have their Friday night out while I had the boys.
Now she has already stressed me out by coming round here early on Saturday morning and upsetting J. (my middle one) by telling him that he would have to catch up on schoolwork not just then but on Sunday too (and they are supposed to be on holiday!).
I was to have them yesterday but I am just too exhausted and I blame *her* for stressing me out.
Now she has made other arrangements and that is fine but the boys want to see me and go to the seaside but I can't face seeing her as she starts on about schoolwork again which *she* could oversee in the *daytime* if she was not in fulltime "work" (which she doesn't *have* to do).
So : should I simply

tell her to carry on with her arrangements and her "career" while the boys languish for the sake of my health or bite the bullet and have them here and take them away for *their* sake.
I am truly in two minds over the issue.

My eldest,just turned nine,is fine and so is the baby (three) but my middle grandson is sensitive and doesn't need so much pressure.
I know because I brought up four boys on my own and they all turned out fine and developed at their own pace but at *seven* they didn't have reams of homework to do.
I know that it is not just her fault but the system too and *I* have offered to go up to the school about it yet she won't let me and nor will they and she goes along with it all while the poor little mite suffers.My son is far too busy at work to really understand the situation.
I am sure that worrying about the boy is making me ill and I can't begin to think what he is going through.
What sort of world are we creating when children are not allowed to have a childhood?

I certainly am not going to force a seven-year-old child to put his head into schoolbooks when he is here when he is supposed to be on holiday so she can put that idea out of her head for a start!

ksta72 - they are *NOT* "doing fine" - my middle one is having nightmares and it is simply not right that he is being pressured so much over schoolwork that he has *years* to catch up on - he has lots of other talents which the school "tests" cannot (and will not) even recognise.
Must he be turned into a nervous wreck at *SEVEN* years of age?
What a world!

Thank you Daisyhill - that is exactly what I want her to do - cut down on her working hours in order to look after *her* children!

I just can't understand how so many these days just accept that *SEVEN*-year-olds (and younger) should be snowed under with homework because "that's how Society is these days" - unbelievable!
And "Catswhiskers" - Yes they *are* *MY* *Grandchildren* and I will not allow anyone to hurt them either physically,mentally or emotionally - I did that for their Father and uncles and I shall do it for them no matter what anyone says about "modern Society" and the like.

Answer 1

I feel very sorry for them taht there Mother decides to work fulltime when she doesn't even have to...if she were at home then she could oversee their homework....not you. It's obviously all too much for you combined with loking after them too.
Why not have a word with your daughter and son in law...explain that its too much for you and she will have to cut down her hours at work.

Answer 2

I must admit that after reading this question and others that you have posted I was lost for words.

To be honest the majority of your questions just seem to be an attack on your daughter in laws parenting skills and self praise for your own parenting skills.

What your grandchildren need is for their grandmother to stop bullying their mother. Children pick up on things like this and your seven year old sensitive grandson is probably the main recipient of the stress and disharmony that you are causing.

What is wrong with your grandsons doing their homework when they are with you? If you look after them every day after school and in the holidays then surely you helping them with homework is no big deal and doesn't infringe too much on 'fun' time.

I am a childminder. I see the children I look after for more hours per day than their parents do during the week. I am happy to help children do their homework if I can before they go home - it means they have more time to spend with their parents.

Whether or not your daughter in law works isn't an issue. Even if she was a stay at home mum you would still find something to pick fault with.

For the sake of your sensitive middle grandson can't you stop your interfering and meddling? It is you who is causing his nightmares and unhappiness, not his mother.

Answer 3

All children are loaded with home work today, it is a lot but, that is the way it is. These teachers give them homework over the holidays and summer reading as well. Your grandchildren are not the only kids that have a lot of homework. She is right to get on him to finish it. That is her job as a mother. After all if he got left back it would be her fault right. I find it funny how your son is busy at work and has no part of responsibility toward his own children but then again of course it is always the daughter in laws fault. I do not believe that she works because they don't need the money. Maybe your son should get a second job so she can stay home and watch her own kids. Sad enough It takes more then 2 incomes today to raise a family. If your health is not good then don't watch them. Only you know if you feel up to it or not. Sounds as if you will be up to watching them if she dose it your way.

Answer 4

I agree that kids today get a lot of homework but if your grandsons don't do it they will probably be kept in at playtime to do it then. I'm sure you wouldn't want that. And no they don't really have years to catch up on it because what will happen is they will fall behind & be put into lower classes when they reach secondary school. If they are behind their friends academically it could affect their self confidence & hamper their progress further. Education is important whether it's the holidays or not.
It comes across that you really don't like your daughter-in-law & would critisize her whatever she did. Nobody forced you to come home on Friday night, you could have said no. The children are not your responsibility, that's down to your son & his wife.
Maybe she does need to work, are you really aware of the ins & outs of their finances? Maybe you should cut her some slack. Stop being a martyr, stop moaning, let your grandchildren get on with their education & stop blaming your daughter-in-law for everything, I doubt if your son is perfect. Maybe he should give up his job & look after the boys, why is her career so unimportant? If you continue the way you are you risk a strained relationship with your grandchildren because soon enough they will see how you are with their mum & she is the one they love the most.

Answer 5

You say you are exhausted so you are not going to truly spend any quality time with your grandkids.If you let your health deteriorate you will not do anyone any good.You seem to have ongoing issues with your daughter-in-law.Have you ever sat down with your son and his wife to see if you can try have a better relationship.Eventually this"hostile environment will be noticed by the grandkids ( if they haven't already).I'm curious, are you all able to get together with each other for holiday dinners such as Christmas and have a pleasant time?I think your biggest issue is that your daughter-in -law works full time.You must accept that this is the way your son and his wife have decided to run their household.It may not be how you would have prefered it but it is their choice.Sometimes when we are physically and emotionally exhausted we cannot see things clearly or keep things in perspective.I'm sure you love your grandsons ( I have 3 grandchildren of my own).I know sometimes I thought that if I were the mom I'd do some things differently BUT I kept quiet because I'm the grandma.I'm supposed to love them and enjoy them and not criticize their parents.Take this time to rest and get back your health.Talk to the grandsons on the phone if you are up to it just to keep in touch.When you do start watching them again try be supportive of their mother and father and their choices for their children.If you alienate anyone you will not gain anything but heartache.Just the thoughts of one grandma to another.Take care.

Answer 6

Unfortunately homework is a necessary evil these days, and has to be done. Therefore your DIL is quite right to insist that it has to be done. My son had tons of homework to complete during the holidays, but rather than leave it to the last minute, he had it all completed at the weekend, leaving the rest of the week for fun and games.

You mention that the middle grandson is sensitive, could it possibly be that he is playing you and your DIL against each other, knowing that you will come to his defence whatever. As for going up to the school to to discuss this, what on earth would that achieve, he would get no preferential treatment unfortunately, and I can imagine the ribbing he would get from his friends if they found out about it.

You mention that your son is far too busy at work to understand the situation, surely a childs welfare, if he is so stressed out, should be both parents responsibility.

Now, and in previous postings I note you say that you DIL need not work, how sure are you of that? my parents/in-laws have no idea of our financial situation - it is something between my husband and myself only.

These days alot of onus is placed on academic tests etc, whether we like it or not (and I incidentally do not, the SATS tests are just another added pressure for children, and are generally for the school league tables) HOWEVER, like it or not tests/homework have to be done, and rather than bemoaning your DIL, help your grandson with his homework.

Answer 7

Well as a grandmother myself, and if I was exhausted from
traveling, I would want some time to rest up from the stresses
of traveling. If you are obligated to baby sit while your daughter in law works, then tell the children, that in order for
you to get some needed rest, you would like them to catch up
on their homework while you are resting. And they will have it
out of the way, and then you can all go and do something
they'ed enjoy. First the work, and then the play. I know we
grandmas' tend to want to spend all our time with them and
have fun. But they have a responsibility to themselves first.
Holiday or not, they have to finish their assignments. They
should already know this and may be trying to put it off
while being with you. I'm afraid their mother has the right
idea. I know I had to do my homework if I had any and then
I could go out to play. I used to enjoy spending an occasional
weekend with my grandma across town at her apartment. But first, I had to make sure I was caught up on my assignments before I could go. So that was added incentive to get the job done so I could go and enjoy myself. Without the drudgery of the still waiting homework looming over me. I'm sure the boys
know what's right. Maybe you can let them pick the reward
for facing up to their responsibility.

Answer 8

Ok here goes. At the end of the day they are your daughters children and she has the responsability to bring them up with her husband. You have very kindly offered to look after them, which is great but is it what you really want to do or is it what you feel you have to do. I think that looking after grandchildren is a demanding task, my mum has my kids during the summer for two weeks but each year she finds it more and more tiring ! I work but I only work in the mornings and then I pick the kids up from school to do homework. They have masses to do. My youngest who is a young 12 finishes school at 4.30 and often has english, french, german and maths for the next day. We often have tears as it is just too much for him to cope with. So i do understand the homework pressure. My work is important to me as it allows me to have some "me" time but my kids are important as well, after all they did not ask to be born. I think you have to come to some agreement with your daughter. It is no longer working the way you have done it up until now. Decide how many hours you want to look after the kids and tell her your decision. If she has to get a child minder then you will have to accept that. Tell her that you would love to have the kids over the holidays but with the provisor that they either do the homework at home before they come or that you will do it with them during the week but there should be no pressure from her. You are entitled to some quality of life and you dont need this stress at your time of life. You have to set the ground rules down about homework and when you will have the children otherwise your life will be a misery. i hope that this helps.

Answer 9

Your health comes first. You need to become less involved in the situation. The more you do, the more you will be put upon. You are a thoughtful and supportive grandmother and mother, but you are not doing the best for everybody by runnning back and forth, assuming so much responsibility. Your son and daughter-in-law must organize the lives of their family as they see fit without you at their beck and call.
Your grandchildren will appreciate your love and support, and your different style of care - as long as you don't hint that you disagree with their parents, which would only cause a confusion of loyalty.

Answer 10

What homework are they getting? At 7, he'll be in Y3 at school and they don't get much. I've given out a worksheet for maths (as normal) and a short story to write for Literacy.
If he is getting so much homework then you should go to the school and talk to them about it.
Also, are you an un-paid child minder, because their is an issue about insurance and liability, within the eyes of the law. Also, your daughter in law is taking the piss, but at the same time, you are letting her. And I would chack that she doesn't have to be in work. Does your son 'have' to be in work? She may be their mother, but he is their father too so he should know what is going on. You seem to blame her, but he is just as much to blame. Parenting comes from them both.

Answer 11

I know it's hard, but you're going to have to accept that some things are not under your control any more. It sounds like your taking it upon yourself to put the world to rights for everyone around you. Just let go, take a backward step and let them make their own decisions. Be there to support them by all means, but not at the expense of your health.

Your daughter in law works. Get over it. There are lots of women who do. There are also lots of reasons to go out to work when you have children. One of them is for money. She may work because she enjoys it, or because she likes the stimulation of adult company for part of the day. It's her decision not yours. I don't hear you suggesting that your son gives up work to spend his time at home with the children. Why should it be their mother ? What's happened to sexual equality ?

As regards the homework, it's an unfortunate fact that children that age do get lots of homework these days, and some of them cope with it better than others. Instead of whingeing about it, why don't you spend an hour helping him with it, then going out and having fun with them all.