How do I confront my parents with my concerns?

Question

My parents went bankrupt on $145,000 less than ten years ago, and they're working their way back up to that again. They've just bought a house, and two brand new cars. My dad only makes about $17/hour and my mom about $15/hour. They have several credit cards, probably maxed and they just spend and spend without EVER saving a dime. If they have an extra $200 one week, they think it's just extra spending money, and don't save or invest a dime. When my mom bought the last car, I told her that I was worried because she and my dad are pushing 50 and haven't a penny saved, and she said that all she cares about is making the monthly payments and she doesn't worry about saving because "she won't be here forever and she assumes that one of us (her 4 kids) can handle it when they're gone"!!! I can't believe that. So basically, she's living the high life and racking up all this debt expecting US to deal with this later. My husband and I are only 25 and have a baby, I don't want to have to pay off

all of their debt later. We have to put our son through college. I can't believe they could be so irresponsible and care so little about their children. I'm really hurt by this and want to confront her, but I want to do it in a mature and respectful manner. What should I do?

Answer 1

For Christmas buy them the book by Dave Ramsey called "The Total Money Makeover." Dave does live events in bigger cities. Maybe they can go together. The problem is this is YOUR problem, too. When they go broke again, they will be coming to you to help them out of their mess they created. Go to: www.daveramsey.com
He has a radio show. Listen online to him. He is realistic and has a good plan to follow.

Answer 2

As far as I know you won't be responsible for their debt.

If they have equity in a house, and when the last of them passes away, there's a chance that some of the equity would be used to pay off their debts. "Pushing fifty" means there's a good chance they have another thirty or even forty years, but even if they were both to go in their 70's they still have another 20-plus years.

Whether or not the equity in their house builds up to the point where you and any siblings get any money after the last of your parents is gone remains to be seen; but there are many people who believe that money is to be used while people are here rather than being left as inheritence. I'm not saying I condone that thinking, but its really common. (Have you ever seen the bumper sticker, "I'm spending my grandchild's inheritence."?)

In any case, don't worry about their debt. That's really their business. If you're resenting that you don't think you'll be left a chunk for college tuition maybe you should ask if you'd rather your parents be happy while they're alive or leave you a chunk after living less than happy.

I don't know what kind of life your parents have had, but sometimes people have had so much sadness somewhere in their life they get so think, "What the heck. I'm living for today."

Answer 3

You are right to be concerned but you won't be responsible to pay off their debt. The thing I'd be concerned about is their retirement. Should there come a time that they can no longer work or need nursing care (as often happens in old age), I'd worry that they'll expect you children to support them. It's a tough thing to bring up but I think you need to ask them specifically not about what happens when they're gone, but what happens in their "golden" years. Remind them that you and your siblings have your own families to take care of and plead with them to reconsider their savings plan (or lack thereof).

Answer 4

The debt of your parents never become yours. The debt will die with them. Quit worrying about this. Who said you guys would outlive your parents any way?. Cut it out. Take care of your family and stay out of your parents business. You know too much of it. Are you sure this is your parents? Are you unloading your own personal fear here? Who ever the debt belong to Again remember it die with the person. You are only responsible for yourself. Go have a happy life. If your parents die before you send the bill collectors a copy of the death certificate certified mail.

Answer 5

Well, quite frankly, the way you just explained it is a very mature way to do it. You have to tell her that though you would love to be able to help and support them later, You have to worry about your family. You will not be able to take on their debt and you feel that it is presumptuous on their part to assume that you will be able to do so. In fact, it will be impossible.
The price of everything is going up - not down, and I don't see that it ever will go down again. There won't be social security when your baby is grown. You will need to save for your baby's future - college and their inheritance. Tell them you want to leave your children with help, not with hindrance. Don't' they want more for their own children and grandchildren?
I just don't understand.
And I am sorry for your situation...!!!

Answer 6

You need to tell her that you are worried that when they retire (they can't work forever) that they will not be able to afford the living expenses and you wish they would save some money to prepare for the future.
One of my parent's friends say they are going to live life to the fullest and spend all of their savings once they retire because they don't want their kids to have everything handed to them- I understand where they are coming from, but shouldn't parents want to know their children will be financially stable?
Anyways, just talk to your mom and let her know you are worried.

Answer 7

Debt is not inheritable. There are also no moral commandments saying you must honor thier debts after they die. Don't cosign anything they do. Don't accept anything they purchase, not even as a gift. When they finally need to go into a nursing home or a hospital to die, DONT sign the admission forms. If you happen to be named in thier will as executor, let it pass to someone else.

Answer 8

Your parents are very lucky to have a daughter who cares so much about them. Too bad, they don't seem to share your concern for themselves.

You don't have to get caught up in their financial problems.
Just let them look after themselves. & accept the fact that there will be nothing to inherit when they are gone.
Not even their debt. (unless you are crazy enough to co-sign any loans for them)
I also recommend that you let them know in clear & no uncertain terms that when they reach retirement age, or are too old to fend for themselves, that they can't count on you to support them.
You make it sound like they are going to expect you to be there for them to support them when they lose their ability to support themselves.
Perhaps they may have instilled in you a sense of duty towards them, & they may be correct in their assumptions, because you are already exhibiting signs of this sense of duty.

There's no need for you to feel obligated to your parents in that way. So many of us grow up thinking that we owe our parents something because they are the ones who gave us life. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Remember, when it came to bringing YOU into this world, YOU DIDN'T GET A VOTE. The truth is; it's your parents who owed you. They owed you a safe & nurturing environment to be raised in. If they managed to do ONLY that, then they managed to meet the MINIMUM of what was required of them.

All you owe them in return is to live a prosperous, & flourishing life.

Oh. and to make them grandparents, but you've already done that, so YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK BABY!

Answer 9

Who ever told you that you were responsible for their debt? You aren't, just don't ever ever co-sign anything for them.

You can't fix your parents, but I would make it clear that you aren't going to save them when the time comes, and then stick to your guns.

Answer 10

Cool down a lot of stuff is usually paid off when one spouse dies.That is if they have their goods setup that way.You might check it out for them.See if they have 401k at their jobs.