My sister's having her third wedding. Is it selfish to invite lots of people, or have a big ceremony?

Question

I think it is.

My sister got divorced last year, and is probably going to get married to another guy she met 6 months ago (her 3rd marriage).

She had big ceremonies for her first 2 weddings (10 years ago, and 4 years ago). I don't think it's appropriate for someone to invite a whole bunch of people for yet another wedding -- especially when most of us have to fly across the country again to go. I actually think it's selfish, since it's very expensive to fly out for several days. I spent well over $1000 dollars flying out to her last wedding in New York City (I'm in Los Angeles) in 2003 with the airfare, food, hotel etc, which I couldn't really afford.

The problem is that people will feel uncomfortable not going, or going, it's sort of a lose-lose situation. I think having a big ceremony for your 3rd wedding is sort of a joke, and disrespectful.

I think for your 3rd wedding it should be the bride, the groom, and a minister or judge, and that's pretty much it. Any thoughts?

I did fly out and stayed with my (then single) sister last year for a week, but since I stayed at her place, it was cheap. I feel like a jerk for not going, and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of if I do go lol

Answer 1

Every time someone gets married its a new beginning.. and the reason you have a wedding is to celebrate your love and mark the new beginning in your life with the people you love. Its perfectly fine to have as big a wedding or as small a wedding as you want, no matter how often you get married.

Answer 2

I don't think it would necessarily selfish to *invite* all the people, as long as she doesn't have unrealistic expectations (because I think a lot of the invitees will feel the same way you do).

In other words, the selfish thing would be to expect everyone to treat it as the first wedding. She should understand that people were willing to take on the travel expense, or gifts etc. the first time around but it's not an expense you plan on repeating a few times.

I agree with you that a third wedding should be something small. You definitely should not feel bad if you do not attend, and she shouldn't try to make you feel guilty. If you're careful with how you talk about it I think you can let her know you're happy for her, but can't be there - and do it without there being bad feelings.

Answer 3

I answered your question on your last post... exactly the same...but here is my answer anyway in case you don't read my first reply. If she wants to spring for her own wedding for the third time... then so be it.

No one is obligated, nor should they feel badly if they opt not to go. She should not expect people will go for a third time, but at least she has extended the invite. It is up to each guest really... my own grandmother didn't come to my only wedding because she didn't support my choice to not have my father (her son) walk me down the aisle. I'm sure she has no regrets either... but that is an extreme example. As long as your sister understands that financially, some cannot make it, then it should not be an issue.

Just be happy for your sister...perhaps the third time's the charm :)

Answer 4

I'm sure I'll get thumbs down....

It's the third wedding. Not like you havn't seen it before and she can't honestly claim offense because you are missing her "once in a lifetime event" if it's the third time around in a few years. Just send your regrets and let her know you'll be sure to come the next time around.

I know, it sounds heartless and she deserves to have whatever wedding she can afford but I wouldn't put myself in fincancial strain over a situation like this.....especially if she's only known the future groom for 6 months.

I am sure she's not going up to the alter thinking she'll be divorced in a year or two but I can lay down money you aren't the only one on the guest list thinking it.

Answer 5

It seems as though you've already decided on your opinion and are looking for validation to feel the way you do about your sister's wedding. The fact is that she has the right to throw whatever kind of wedding she wants for herself. I think it's pretty naive to expect someone to limit a celebration of her love to just a minister or judge. Most people would at least want their parents to be at their wedding.

If you really don't feel like you can go to her wedding, just be honest with her. Explain to her your concerns. Don't outright call her selfish, but let her know that you love her (if you do) but that you would have a great deal of difficulty coming out to her wedding. Honestly, though, for your sister it isn't really the end of the world if you go to another wedding. If you're honestly not that close, send your regrets and don't go.

Answer 6

Depends on how close the weddings are together.

It also depends on what number wedding the other person is on.

IF its the other persons first wedding, it can be big if they want it to be big.

I wouldn't think anything of it BUT I would start thinking "Do I really want to spend lots of money on another wedding?" or "Do I need to give another gift?".

If I also were a distance away, I would just send my regrets and a card. If I were close by and had nothing to do and wanted to go, I'd go. If I had plans, I'd send regrets.

Answer 7

She must be loaded or really dense or both. I agree, it's very selfish and tacky to have big ceremonies for encore weddings. It should be a small, intimate ceremony with a minister, parents, and immediate family only.

Let me guess, she's having another bridal shower too?

Don't go.... you shouldn't bust your budget for something she'll probably do again in about 5 years....

Answer 8

Hi,

This is your SISTER. Why not talk to her about it? She may need your perspective on it. By no means should you go into debt just to see your sister walk down the aisle *(again!). If it's truly a financial thing, tell her that while you support her and want to see her happy, you can't afford to come. If you're harboring other feelings about her and her trampolining from one husband to the next, then you need to work it out and talk it out with her.

Just remember. Life's too short for regrets. If your sister had only a year left to live, would you go to the wedding?

Good luck!

Answer 9

I just wouldn't go--you could say something simple like "I'm sorry I won't be able to share your special day with you, but I'm unable to come to your wedding, best of luck!"

Maybe her fiance has never been married and wants a big wedding, but I kind of agree with you for all the reasons you stated. Also, I would have a hard time not going as well, since she's your sister. But I'm sure she would understand if it came down to it, I know my sisters would, well--I'm guessing they would, lol!

Answer 10

If people don't want to come then they won't, an invite is just that, an invitation, not an order that you must be there. It is your sisters life and her decisions, not yours, you're supposed to be there for your family and support them, not judge them. Some people make mistakes, that's life, but it does not mean she has no right to try again and to try and be happy and find true love this time around.

Answer 11

Would you fly out for the birth of her third child?

Hmmm...

My first wedding wasn't for me. It was for my (now ex) husband. The wedding was a big mistake.

Now, I'd like to have a better wedding to erase the memory of the first one. I'd love for everyone to come, but I'd understand if they couldn't afford to make it. I'd hate to think that people thought I was selfish for wanting to celebrate my life and my love for a better person. I feel badly that they were all present for my big mistake. I want to make it up to them with a new celebration.

You thinking it's disrespectful seems to imply that you think the point of a wedding is to throw a party to glorify yourself for the purpose of receiving gifts and burdening other people. The point of a wedding is to celebrate a new life starting, a new family forming, the joining of two people.

If you object, don't go. If someone's upset about you not going, tell them you can't afford it. It's the truth.