Is a wedding ceremony appropriate for my sister's 3rd wedding?

Question

My sister got divorced last year, and is probably going to get married to another guy she met 6 months ago (her 3rd marriage).

She had big ceremonies for her first 2 weddings (10 years ago, and 4 years ago). I don't think it's appropriate for someone to invite a whole bunch of people for yet another wedding -- especially when most of us have to fly across the country again to go. I actually think it's selfish, since it's very expensive to fly out for several days, lots of wedding gifts etc. People will feel uncomfortable not going, or going, it's sort of a lose-lose situation.

I think for your 3rd wedding it should be the bride, the groom, and a minister or judge, and that's pretty much it.

Any thoughts on this?

Oh I'll be going all right, I just think it's silly for her to have another lavish wedding.

Backround info:

I live in Los Angeles, she lives in New York, I visited her for a week last year, and stayed at her place so it was cheap. I'm short on money, and hotels are very expensive in New York city (not to mention the plane ticket and food). I spent over $1000 that I could ill afford for her second wedding in NY in 2003 (airfare, hotel, and food).

Answer 1

I would agree to go only if she paid for my ticket to the wedding and a place to stay. If not then I would send my love in an envelope!

I don't think they should expect you or all the other guests to attend with gifts. If they want to only celebrate their love then fine, having a party is one thing but a big elobrate wedding I wouldn't support and it is not a selfish reason. Money is a sensitive subject for many people and those who dont have it shouldn't be asked to attend yet another wedding and give a gift for another big wedding. to me that is selfish!

Answer 2

3rd wedding? 6 months? Is your sister related to J-Lo?

I can offer my personal opinion, but that herein lays the problem. This is ultimately about her choice, and she will do what she wishes.

Perhaps she is more in love with the *idea* of weddings and the attention rather than seriously wanting to marry her partners? If so, this is a serious psychological issue that needs professional help. However, I am not going to pick on the bride, since I have no knowledge as to why her marriages failed. Perhaps it had nothing to do with her.

I agree that perhaps it is her fiance who wants the wedding. Or maybe she really thinks there is no other "proper" way to get married.

While it is true that some guests may be upset that they are expected to travel yet again and buy a wedding gift for yet ANOTHER wedding, some undoubtedly will want to go support her no matter what.

Let her have her wedding, and leave it up to the guests to decide what they will do. Some will come and bring gifts happily, some will not come period.

If she sees that most of her guests are not coming, she may even scale the wedding down herself. Who knows?

The 3rd time's the charm, right? ;)

P.S. I will also say that the divorce rates get higher and higher for each marriage after the first. She has a VERY high chance of getting divorced AGAIN simply based on stats. Perhaps she, like many others, needs to figure out the reasons why her marriages failed before jumping in headfirst into another relationship. It sounds like she should be more focused on her marriage than the wedding itself.

Answer 3

Most of my wedding ceremonies are a about 15-20 minutes, so 30 minutes should be plenty. Most of my brides schedule an hour for after-ceremony photos (with their families and wedding party). One thing couples do today is a "reveal" of the bride to the groom, then they take some pictures before hand as well. In that hour (I would not go more than 90 minutes or guests may get bored waiting at the reception venue) - the guests go to the reception venue and have a 'cocktail hour' where they mix and mingle - then when the bridal party gets to the reception venue, they do the introductions and the reception gets underway.

Answer 4

I would tend to agree with you. I suppose there could be extinuating circumstances (suppose it's his 1st marriage & his family is very religious and a civil ceremony wouldn't be acceptable to them?)

I used to be very judgmental about folks doing a ceremony for 2nd weddings, until I found myself in that situation. (It's funny how that can change your perspective!) After putting up with way too much for way too long from husband #1 & then getting cheated on and left anyway, I was minding my own business and going to church and raising my two kids pretty much by myself when I met my husband. His dad was my pastor & his mom was my Sunday School teacher at the time. He, too was the injured party in a divorce he didn't initiate or want. We courted briefly and the whole church was playing matchmaker, but since the rest of his family (sisters, brothers-in-law, etc.) and my extended family had never met each other and because a civil service just didn't seem appropriate for a match so clearly made in heaven (or at least church) and also to clearly demonstrate to my children the support from family and friends for the marriage, we made the decision to have a small church ceremony and reception. I didn't wear white, we only had 1 attendant each, and his dad performed the ceremony. If anyone thought it was tacky or inappropriate they had the courtesy not to show it.

If your sister's circumstances don't seem to be extinuating enough, speak up if you have the nerve, or simply choose not to respond to the invite if you want to express your disapproval quietly. If hubby #3 sticks around long enough, you will have a chance to meet and him and maybe even exchange gifts with him @ Christmas or something.

It probably comes down to the old "blood thicker than water" thing, and how close of a relationship you want to keep with your sister (and even your parents if you think they will side with her).

I guess you could take some consolation in that she is at least getting married instead of just shacking up.

Answer 5

Depends on how close the weddings are together.

It also depends on what number wedding the other person is on.

IF its the other persons first wedding, it can be big if they want it to be big.

I wouldn't think anything of it BUT I would start thinking "Do I really want to spend lots of money on another wedding?" or "Do I need to give another gift?".

If I also were a distance away, I would just send my regrets and a card. If I were close by and had nothing to do and wanted to go, I'd go. If I had plans, I'd send regrets.

Answer 6

If she wants to spring for her own wedding for the third time... then so be it.

No one is obligated, nor should they feel badly if they opt not to go. She should not expect people will go for a third time, but at least she has extended the invite. It is up to each guest really... my own grandmother didn't come to my only wedding because she didn't support my choice to not have my father (her son) walk me down the aisle. I'm sure she has no regrets either... but that is an extreme example. As long as your sister understands that financially, some cannot make it, then it should not be an issue.

Just be happy for your sister...perhaps the third time's the charm :)

Answer 7

I would attend, but only give a token present (engraved picture frame, nice bottle of champagne, etc). If your sister has been married twice before she doesn't need the same help starting out that many first-time couples do; she should already have her household essentials and probably has accumulated some nice pieces, too. Your flying across the country to share the day with her should be present enough.

Answer 8

It is a wedding, so they are allowed to have a ceremony if they want. I don't think people should expect gifts after their first wedding, though, since they already have everything they need for their household. People don't have to fly out to their wedding if they don't want to, so its only rude if the bride and groom get mad at people who don't want to come. If they want to spend their money to hold a big party in honor of their wedding, that is their business and not inappropriate unless they get mad at people for not coming or not bringing a gift.

Answer 9

The wedding is her choice. To attend or not to attend is the individuals choice. I would not go and I would not buy a gift. I would send a nice congratulations card. If it were me I would not go for the big wedding. Maybe if enough people do not attend and do not give gifts she will realize that to many people marriage is sacred and her third marriage is insulting to them.

Answer 10

It's perfectly appropriate for her to have a wedding - that's part of life, and a celebration of their love. Even if she only met the guy 6 months ago. But it's also appropriate for guests to send congratulatory cards in lieu of flying to be there. In addition, as a mature bride she'll already have everything she needs to start her married life - if there is a wish list, it ought to include charities rather than actual presents.