Help! My 5 year old is afraid we're going to die?

Question

My daughter started kindergarten in August. She seems to have become very clingy since then. We thought this was normal since she had not spent much time away from me or her mom before. Now the mother of on of her classmates has died about 3 weeks ago. Since then she has been worrying about me and her mom dying. She doesn't want either one of us to go anywhere without her. When we went to the grocery store last week, we all had to go as a family. We have tried to talk to her and reassure her, but it doesn't seem to help. Is this a problem we should seek help with or will our reassurances eventually help?

Answer 1

Big changes in life make for distressing times for little kids. This is normal behavior, I think, especially in light of her friend's mother dying.

Your daughter has had a big change in her life. I think that making a family trip out of shopping is actually a healthy way to spend some time together. It shows your daughter that family is important, and that even small things can make a difference. In time, she'll come to learn that she can depend on you both to be at home when school is over. She just needs some encouragement and some time to get past this.

It's hard to tell kids that we all die sometime. 5 yr olds are usually just barely able to understand the idea of never coming back, so there's no reason to try to explain that part to her. Her friend is probably really in a lot of grief, and kids know they don't want to experience something like that once they see it. Try and be understanding, and just love her and be there for her. In the long run, she'll come to see that for the most part, her family is pretty safe.

Answer 2

This is very common at this age because sometimes this is the first time they learn about mortality. Keep reassuring her and in time it will fade. Happened with our child when she saw a Mary Kate and Ashley video where their dad was a widower. It had not occurred to her that a parent could die.

Answer 3

Our kids had this worry too. We assured them that neither of us were sick, or intending to die anytime soon.

A big unspoken fear is "If Mom dies, what happens to me?" We assured our kids that even though we don't plan to die until we're older than Grandpa, we did make a plan that would take care of them if something happened. Then we explained where they would live and who would manage the money. As they know all the adults involved, they were comforted by knowing what would happen.

Answer 4

Hey hun.. Okay, here is what has happened, at school, this child has talked about their mommy dying, the teacher or several teachers has spoken to the children about it... She recognizes fear but not death at 5 years old... People often mistake this recognition for knowing death, they only percieve, that mommy and daddy will not be coming home, which is fear, they don't know they are dead.. Death is a hard to grasp idea even for adults...

I sent a link, that you will find useful, it talks about explaining death in several ways to children.... I have copy and pasted the portion I think will be most useful...

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How do I talk to my child about death?
Children can be taught that death is a part of life by their parents preparing them when a death in the family is expected. They can talk about it before they, and their parents, are grief stricken. Children do not need protection; they need competent guidance and satisfactory answers to their questions.

The development and age of the child needs to be borne in mind. The parent or guardian knows how the child likes like to talk about things, the sort of language they can use and if there are other ways they like to communicate, through drawing for example.

Children less than eight years of age are often interested in death and have complex concepts about it but are not able to grasp its finality. They, and many adults, have magical beliefs about how life can carry on after death or how many people come back to life. The understanding that this is not the case only comes with greater maturity and then will be affected by the cultural and spiritual beliefs of the child's family and community.

By making this preparation a part of everyday life, death will be a natural thing for a child. Flowers that wither and die, or a pet that dies, may provide an opening. It is possible to talk about elderly people whom the child knows and talk about yourselves getting old and dying. The library can provide a list of children's books on the subject. Reading books together, and talking afterwards about the feelings they arouse, is a good way of starting to talk about death.

Children ask questions in a very direct way. They may not talk about feelings as much as about more concrete circumstances. Maybe they will ask what a coffin looks like on the inside, whether lying in the ground is scary and lonely or whether it is cold and dark down there. It is important to be prepared for these questions. If they make the parent uncomfortable, the child will notice and stop asking questions. A child will watch to see whether they are allowed these kinds of questions and the reaction they create.

Remember children do not sit down and discuss a subject for hours on end. They will come running and ask some of the hardest questions in the world. That offers little time to think answers through. After a couple of minutes, they might want to go back outside to play. Seizing the moment is important. Talk about the subject when they want to. It is natural for them to change the subject and then return to it later.

When telling a child that someone has died, make sure the word 'died' is used. Children do not understand euphemisms. Some children have waited years for a grandparent to return because they had been told he or she had 'passed away.' Euphemisms may help an adult feel better but they won't help a child understand what has happened.

When mourning, let a child know it. The parent should let him or her see they are truly sad. If grief is hidden, the child will think that grief is not an acceptable feeling.
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The very early years of school are difficult for children, because they are being introduced to new children and new ideas... These other children may not have been brought up the same, so they will teach your children and others the things they know and have been taught...

The best thing to do, is to simply explain, that although one day you will die, it won't be for a very long time, not until she is an adult and has babies of her own and even her children have babies... Not until you have lost allll your hair on your hair or are completely gray :)

I have several other links that I found while typing this, so please read them andI hope I helped you guys out.. Good luck hun!

Best wishes and make sure to always give her a hug and kiss before school if not more than that... Just to reassure her, try to make something routine, so she knows that if it happens today, tomorrow, and the next day then it will happen next week, next month, next year, and the next decade :) Kid's are monotonous learners, they learn by repitition so it's good to set repeatitive situations for them that are loving and happy...

Answer 5

my 5 year old went through the same thing after my hubby's grandpa died. we told her he went to heaven because he was very old. After that she started telling us she didnt want us to get old because then we would die. she was really worried about it for a long time. we explained to her that we were going to be around for a long time and she didnt need to worry about that.
eventually she stopped talking about it and i think forgot about it. but it did take a little time. so i think you should just keep reassuring her and she will be ok.

Answer 6

since she has started school, she has realized just how big the world is and feels very vulnerable.

don't let her control you and be supportive of her feelings. if u do not want to the grocery store trip to become a family event then don't let it. just tell her " i know how u feel honey but we don't all need to go the grocery store.

Answer 7

I think you & your wifes help will help but it will take time. When my girl started K she would cling to me & scream & cry for the first 3 or 4 months. Once I left about 10 minutes later she was fine. It was alwful but u just have to do what u can do to get them to go.

Answer 8

Spend more time with her being nice and having a great time! Tell her you wont die... Just for now.

Answer 9

you might need some help with this one. I suggest you go to a counciler and let someone talk to her.

Answer 10

Does your family subscribe to any religious beliefs?