I posted in Marriage already, but wanted another, more spiritual viewpoint... Thanks all?

Question

I'm struggling with the differences between men and women and was wondering if any of you GUYS could give me a new perspective and if any of you LADIES can tell me what's worked for you...

My father-in-law is struggling with the loss of a job and a nervous breakdown. Obviously this is hard on my husband - the oldest son. When he is dealing with something of this nature, he tends to withdraw...holding his emotions inside... and sometimes will even pick a fight with me as an outlet for his anger - He's not abusive in the least but when he's dealing with something of this magnitude, it seems like nothing I do is right. Understanding his need to withdraw, I spent this weekend alone in our house, trying to give him the peace and space he needed to work through this in his own way...which was interpreted as me being upset...but if I try to get him to talk, I'm smothering him. What can I do to let him know I'm here without smothering? I've told him, but I'm not sure he believes me

Answer 1

Hi, Shelley--

It sounds like your family is in a difficult period.

You're right that guys don't always seem to hear us when we tell them that we're there for support, and they often don't feel like tapping that support is "allowed." They're men--they think they have to deal with it alone.

Repeat to him in peaceful moments how much you love him, how you're there for him, and how much you want to help. It might not seem like he's hearing you, but he probably is, and eventually he'll internalize your support. You can also tell him things like, "I know your father's situation is difficult for you, but we can get through it together."

Don't pressure him to talk. You can mention it once: "Darling, I'm here if you need to talk things out." Then drop it. Allow silence when you are together. Initiate lovemaking. Once a week, invite him out--out of the house, out of the sphere of his worry, and while you're out, make it a "no talk about Dad" time.

If you are a prayerful person, be in prayer for your husband, your father-in-law, your relationship, and yourself. Give your burdens into God's hands and listen for God's guidance. If you're a chuch goer, talk to your pastor.

Hang tough, and as difficult as it might be, try to remember that his anger, his picking fights, his apparent criticism (which he might not even be aware of) is not about you.

Also, be sure to make time to take care of yourself and tend to your own needs.

Answer 2

This is a tough one shelly.

I have been in the same situation, and he is probably feeling very venerable right now. Loosing a Job for many of us, is like loosing a part of your identity, and when your dad is the one going through something like this, you tend to take it personally.

I suggest, writing a note, that tells him you love him, and that he is the best husband in the world, then list some of the things he does that makes you feel secure and safe.

That will remind him that he is doing his part and is a great father or husband.

The reason talking with him doesn't work, is because us guys sometimes feel as if talking is a chore. And when we are trying to figure stuff out, having a wife want to 'talk' is too much to handle.

I know it doesn't sound like it makes sense, but we don't solve problems by talking them out. We think and then act, the talking part is an obstacle.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

"Understanding his need to withdraw, I spent this weekend alone in our house, trying to give him the peace and space he needed to work through this in his own way...which was interpreted as me being upset.... "

Did you tell him first that this is what you were doing? Wives tend to assume husbands intuitively understand the message their wives are wordlessly sending. This is a mistake.

Try something like: "I am not upset with you. It seems to me you want to be alone. I am not angry. I am going to give you as much space as you want. I am not upset with you. Please tell me if there is something else I can do. I understand, and I am not upset or angry." Then he'll know what you're up to.

And yes, demanding that he talk can be irritating. If you can handle keeping quiet, try just holding him silently (don't use this as an opportunity to sneak in a "talk to me" demand, as that would come across as sneaky and lead him to keep his guard up more).

One possible technique: Leave him a short note, no more than 10 -15 words, where he will find it when he is alone, with I love you, I believe in you, Being near you makes me happy, etc., type stuff. It works!!

One note of caution: Be careful how you say "I love you." Too frequently what it really means is "Tell me you love me," which is just demanding. Try not to end a statement with "I love you", especially "I love you" standing alone. "I love you and you're super hot and can I have a hug" is better for the ego, and much less demanding/selfish, because it doesn't leave that "I love you" hanging in the air awaiting payback-- it really is just a gift.

Answer 4

if you haven't already read the book, read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It has a pretty good explanation for what you seem to feel is happening here and tips on how both men and women can help each other in this sort of situation.

You are ahead of the game already, recognizing how a man needs time and space to process difficult situations, and also in a good situation in that you feel your husband is not abusive. I hope you are correct, and that you are not accepting too much, but I sense that you have a good feel for things, and are sensitive to the issues here.

My own advice would be to gently let him know when he seems to be picking a fight, that it feels to you like he is picking a fight with you and you are wondering if its because of some stress from elsewhere. Let him know you are available to help work through it when he is ready, and hope he will find a different outlet for his frustrations in the meantime. I think the key is to be firm, stick up for yourself, but let him know you suspect he is hurting a bit and you are ready to talk about it when he is.

So kudos for your insights, and good luck.

Answer 5

On a spiritual note, he is struggling with more than one battle here and may be in a dead end focused on all the evil as being the truth and that by itself would overwhelm even the strongest. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Just always let him know you are there for him in gentle ways. If he opens his new eyes, he will see you. Life can appear very dark at times, but let him know that if he focuses on this and believes it all to be true, he will suffer for the admission. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train.

Answer 6

A few years ago, both of my parents passed away within weeks on one another. I am the eldest son like your husband, so this was a big deal for me, too.

I was OK as long has I had something to DO. I mostly got irritable when there was no actions I could take.

My wife is a kind and understanding woman, and I know that, but her efforts to "Talk about it" all the time were grating on my nerves. Then, she had a spark of insight and wisdom. She told me, plainly, and to my face something along these lines. (I don't remember the words, exactly, but the sentiment I will never forget.)

Her message was that she indeed loves me, and worries about me. She reminded me that as a woman, of course her first instinct to work out an issue is to discuss it. She said that I was certainly no woman, and that she thanked God for that all the time, but she was beyond her expertise and did not know how to give me what I needed.

Then she said she loved me, and would stick right by me, and that she wished she could do something to just make it all go away.

For me, the "just make it all go away" was something I could relate to. I said something stupid like "That would be cool." but I knew she was essentially right there suffering with me, and that gave me the strength I needed to get my mind together and just pray.

Sometimes when emotional things get to guys (in general) we do try to take it all upon ourselves. We many times don't want to be a burden to others. We want to be the ones to fix it all.

When we get all wrapped up in that kind of worry, we forget to call upon the name of God. No one can do it for us, but we need to be reminded that we are not alone, and first and foremost, God will help if we let Him.

Answer 7

Rather than feign disinterest or being a pacifist which will only lead to you being resentful later on, I would say tell him how you feel in a non-agressive way.Let him know you love him and would like to help him when he is ready to talk but that you do not like to be made to feel as if you are the problem or a part of it. He has to learn to allow you to be a living breathing member of the household even if he is angry or upset with outside factors in his life. You are his life partner and partners share all....in sickness and in health are still included in the vows today aren't they?

Answer 8

Forgiving him and letting him stay are 2 countless issues; no longer interdependent. by making use of letting him stay you're permitting his habit. it is your place – your place – he would not have any entitlement. Being a parent does no longer propose coddling, extraordinarily undesirable habit. Being a parent demands taking the puzzling line, even and extraordinarily while no person else will. Your are actually not his buddy – that isn't your function. Letting him stay without puzzling barriers conveys the message which you settle for his habit. Your words and strikes ought to be consistent or he gained’t take you heavily. His hostility isn't of your making. it relatively is his selection, between many strategies, in a thank you to handle despite he’s feeling. He has to artwork that out. supply to bypass to counseling with him and take part in his therapeutic, yet don’t take possession of his subject. You stated he’s an person, yet didn’t say how previous. Regardless, he’s throwing temper tantrums, and could no longer be rewarded for that. he will proceed to take action till he's held to blame for his very own themes and includes the top that he can’t save blaming people for his lack of ability to deal. you assert you’ve been caught up in that downward spiral – then you be attentive to that purely he can pull himself out of it. He needs expert training; mothers are mothers – you won't be able to be distant or purpose sufficient to offer him what he needs. you are able to purely love him interior the direction of the approach. it relatively is your function. want I say the word PRAY? You wanted religious advise. Get religious on him. Pray for him, oftentimes, by making use of call, and specially. God made provides – discover the promise which you fairly desire to declare on your son and declare that victory faithfully many times and over at the same time as waiting faithfully on your son to get to the situation the place God can manage him and fulfill that promise. it could take a at the same time as, yet that’s the place the religion is presented in. it relatively is going to break. it's going to be puzzling. Being a mom hurts, and is puzzling. regardless of the undeniable fact that it additionally completely happy. climate the hurricane of effect and be attentive to that God is there. He provides us instructions and provides. Psalm 40 six:10 is the promise I declare for you, expensive mom, as you climate this hurricane.

Answer 9

I'm honestly at a loss as to what to tell you.

I know that with my husband, I can eventually get him to talk. Because I KNOW he wants to talk, he just has a hard time bringing things up. He's the type that feels like he shouldn't bother you with his problems.

Thing is, he's your husband, you know him best. Maybe what he needs isn't for you to back off, but to convince him to open up to talk. But how to do that is something only you will know how to do.

Spirituality won't help unless he's a fundie, only thinking will.

Answer 10

this is an emotional issue... for a lot of reasons spiritually speaking (all founded in religion) we are not given the information we need to solve these problems.. I have a couple of ideas posted.. not long but could be helpful if you want to look at it... You might find it helpful... http://gypsys-emporium.com/emotional/