Should I cancel engagement (marriage)?

Question

I'm a Japanese engeged with an English guy I was with last year. We've dated for 10 months, entered a long distance, he came to Japan and proposed to me this July.
I wanted to be married to a person with stable income, but he was a contract IT programer (450 pounds a day, which might not be bad at all), and he needs to look for jobs everytime he changes projects. I never understood that mentality. I feel very worried about it.
At the same time, my very successful best friend proposed to me suddenly. He always told me that he loved me, but I thought that was about our friendship. It actually wasn't... he has the same value and view of life, and he's a lot mature than my current bf...
I was really in a mess last week. I thought of canceling my engagement, because it's not best to make big decision when everything is confusing...but today my fiance's mother was told she has cancer, and might die soon.
I can't stop crying... I feel like I can't tell my worries to him at all now...

I really love my engaged man. I've never fell in love with someone this strong in my life.
But so many things are worrying me. Visa, idea in life, his lack of strong ambition...
He was really angry at me when I told him when I asked if I could have some time off from the engagement.
I can't stop worrying for 2 wks now.

I couldn't add more details because of word length, but my best friend has not proposed me after we got engaged, he didn't know about it. He is a very good generous person, I just didn't have strong physical attraction to him. He always stand on my side, and he says he will still be my best mate, please send me a wedding invitaiton, if I chose to be with my bf. And I did...
I started to see how rocky my fiance's emotions were, and how immature he is, even though I do love him.
But marriage, for me, is no going back. I would like to work, but in an invironment where I have to pick a job which I might not have a choice because it's not my country. I'm quite successful for my age, and I'm scared I might loose everything by marrying my man now...
And his mother...I just feel so bad and sorry for him. I feel it's so inappropriate to talk about my issue now...

Answer 1

Despite what everybody is telling you, I am not going to judge you for wanting to marry a man in a stable financial situation. Given the choice between two men I loved equally, one of which was more stable financially, I know which one I'd go for. Women have always gone for men who are able to provide for their children, and you are clearly no exception; I think this is a good thing. Besides, marriage is not about love: it is about property - although it's obviously easier to enter a marriage if you are in love.

The question you have to ask yourself is: who do I love more? Or even: do I love either enough? Marriage is supposed to be a life decision and should not be taken lightly. If your boyfriend does is not willing to wait for your decision, then he is definitely not worth waiting for. Your friend sounds like he will be supportive either way, but you do not find him attractive, so he is just that: a friend, albeit a very good one. But you never know - the best of lovers often started as best friends :)

Above all, please do not make your decision over the illness of a parent. It is very sad, yes, and you do need to be supportive in what is clearly a difficult time, but it is not something to base such an important decision on.

In my opinion, if you don't feel like you can explain all your worries to your boyfriend, then you are probably not ready for marriage - communication is very, very important in any relationship.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

abdotzed

Answer 2

I understand your concerns about financial stability. If you are goin to relocate in England, you will need that financial security if you are considering leaving your country, your family and everything that you know.

For what you wrote, you seem not prepared for a move right now. It could be for the fact that you are on a long distant relationship and you don't know with certainty what the future will hold for you. There is a lot of difference between having a normal relationship at home thana long distance one with someone from a nother country, it's a scarry thought! and I don't care what everyone says, financial stability IS essential for a a succesful marriage.

You seem more inclined about your sucessful friend. Do you love him? Love is also a big component in a sucessful marriage because if you don;t love this person, you will always wonder about the grass being greener on the other side.


You cannot have it both ways and you have to make a decision on what is what you want. Take a chance with the one you love, or go for the safe and the known with yoru friend. Think things through, but inform both parties on a timely manner, it's not fair for you to play with both hearts and see what happens.

Good luck

Answer 3

Just wanted to tell you that I understand your point of view and Im sorry everyone is calling you a gold digger. I think it is wrong to marry for money. Marraige is about love, but its also about making it work, having similar ideas about life and what you want from it, money, children etc. Two ppl may love eachother deeply but if one wants to have children and the other doesnt, it may not work. The same with money, if it is important to you to have a husband with a stable income so that you know you will have support for your family, i understand that and think that is a mature way to think. if it's just about getting rich, thats different and thats when ppl can start to call you a golddigger. I understand that the stability in your friend seems very attractive to you right now, but if you cannot be attracted to him physically or feel anything even close to love, then I would advise you not to marry him. Im sorry about your fiances mother, but this is about you and your life and your decision needs to based on that and nothing else. You dont need to marry either of these men right now, it may be best to take some time and go away where you can see either of them for a week or two, and see how you feel then. Imagine how the next five, ten, twenty years of your life will be with either of these men. Good luck!

Answer 4

If you are having second thoughts about how happy you would be in this marriage, then I would at least postpone the wedding date. I would never marry for just stability and money without love. That would be a miserable union. However, if you feel that you will be unhappy in a loving relationship because of financial insecurity then that too will be a miserable union. Perhaps you need to look at the possibility that neither of these gentlemen are the ones for you. Love can be blind and as the passion fades you will need some strong partnership and communication skills to keep you together. I know that you are concerned about your bf's mother and dont want to add to his concerns but dont feel pressured to marry for that reason. His mother would never want him to enter into a marriage that will make him unhappy in the future. Sounds like you just need to step back and take some time to really sort things out without all the emotions.

Answer 5

Aside from what unkind remarks others may say - You are perfectly in the right to be concerned.

I would break off the engagement. Not because this man is not good and loving and hard working etc.; but because his values and outlook on life are so very, very different from yours. Truly my dear, the issues you raise now are very important. If they are unresolved, they will most certainly be the source of much strife for you later. If you are worried about things now - while you are merely engaged - then think of how you will feel. No, despite the fact that you love each other - you are not compatible in life.

I would marry your other friend - not because he has money etc. but because his values and outlook towards life much more closely resemble your own.

BUT before you become engaged again, let alone marry - wait a while. Let your heart heal and your life settle some. Then marry.

Answer 6

This is a hard decision to choose. Let's just forget about the money for a minute here, who do you love more? Who treats you better and who can you see yourself with in the future? If you english guy flew all the way to Japan to propose he probably really really loves you. Now on the other hand, lets consider your best friend who all of a sudden proposed to you. Did he only propose because he knew you were already engaged and doesn't want you to leave? Does he really love you or did he see that you were already taken so is trying desperately to keep you for himself?

Despite your fiance's mother having cancer, you really need to talk to your fiance about your concerns. Yes, this is a hard time for him right now but you really need to tell him how you feel. You are the one who needs to work this out. Take your time and make the best decision possible. I wish you the best!

Answer 7

I've looked over your questions and IMO you need to cancel your engagement. You are more in love with finances than fiance! You never talk about whether YOU love your fiance or what you can do for him, only what he can do for you. We all want to be financially stable, but you are hyper-focused on how good a provider your fiance would be to unhealthy levels.

From your previous question, it seems he would be making $80 to $120K as a programmer in the Bay area. (Which you call a "lack of ambition.") That's middle class for the Bay area: a bit uncomfortably toward the lower end, more comfortably toward the higher end. But if YOU have a job there as well, you both would be fine (financially). But if he lost his job, I bet you'd be out of the picture in a New York minute. Perhaps only a multi-millionaire CEO is good enough for you, as opposed to a solid member of the middle class?

And now you say there's another guy in the picture, and you're thinking about dumping your fiance for the more successful guy. And what if you were with that guy and a yet more successful guy asked you to marry him?

You, my dear, are not ready to marry ANYONE. Men seem to be only meal tickets to you. I suggest you focus on your own education and career, so you can provide your own meal ticket without using men.

Answer 8

Well you are confusing this whole thing with money, money and love are 2 very differant things. Yes its nice to have things and not be poor , but should you really base if your going to marry somebody on the fact that he might not have enough money to do what you wish. 450 pounds is a hellva lot of money. And if he is that good i am sure that he can settle down and find a job paying at least a couple hundred pounds a day and you still would both be very well off and he would be dependable.

So i am not saying stay with him or not because long distance relationships are a bad ideal . But you should base it on what you feel in your heart. Not the BBD bigger better deal.

Answer 9

No matter what the reasons, if you have doubts then you need to take a break from both men and get your thoughts and feelings together. True love will wait. Since marriage is very final for you, don't make any decisions until you are 100% sure. Money should NOT be a huge issue, LOVE should be the huge issue!

Answer 10

Do not marry for money, nor physical attraction, nor to please a fiances mother in law. Marry because you are willing to spend the rest of your life with someone and love and support them. 'Being in love' and 'loving' someone are two different things. 'Being in love' will not last forever, but loving will, if you work at it. Possibly right now you are not ready to marry either man, if you do not know which is right. Do not fear about calling off a marriage which is not right, you would be doing it out of love for all it would affect, whether they can see that right away or not.