Is he using me or trying to control me?

Question

I love my boyfriend very much. Since the start of our relationship, we have read self-help books trying to work out our issues that have developed in the past so we don't bring extra baggage into our new relationship.

We have agreed to talk openly about our emotions so to keep his anxiety at a low. This is where the problem resides.

When I talk about my negative feelings, he takes on my emotions and gets depressed. I feel unsupported and he tells me that he doesn't know what to do. When he talks about his negative feelings, I try to consciously become an objective, active listener (he requested this) but yet, despite my efforts, he complains that I don't listen, even when I offer my suggestions and invite him to open up more. This leads him to become sad and me to feel guilty.

What is going on here?

I don't believe self-help books are a negative thing. I think people come with all sorts of personal issues from their past and it is healthy to iron them out. I can't do it alone and I can't afford a therapist so books are my answer.

Answer 1

We are men, it is in our build to want to fix everything.
If you say to one of your girl friends "I feel tired" she'll say "Oh, ahve you had a hard day?2, if you say to your boyfriend "I feel tired" he will say "Go to bed and get some sleep then". We are hevaily practically solution orientated and talk of feelings and emotions can be hard for us and it can make us sad that we can't fix them in the way we normally approach things.

I thing he is frustrated with himself for being unable to communicate with you (he is talking in his mind but the words you hear aren't what he'has in his mind) and on the basis that the meaning of your communication ois the response you get I'd suggest you try other forms of communciation (writing things down) or repeating things back to each other like this:

Him: "I would like a cup of sweet tea"
You "So, what I just heard from you is that you like sweet tea?"
Him "no, I normally have no sugar in tea, but for some reason I fancy a sweet cup of tea"


its a soft example but will really help with him communicating in a way you both understand.

Answer 2

What type of negatove feelings u r talking abut...huney life is all abut energy and that too positive energy...when u both are just talking negative u are creating negativity around u ..pls dont do that ...everyone handles negative issues differently and i guess yur BF cannot handle neither his own nor yurs...so keep away...he seems to suffer from self pity...dont fan that it will hurt yur relationship....

Answer 3

I understand the love for one another. Quite truthfully, if you need self help books then you need a different relationship. If it is true love, books won't help. It sounds to me that you are being used and controlled. Get out while you can.

Answer 4

Perhaps he has depression. Have him seek professional help.

Alternatively, he might just be a pessimist.

Maybe he feels overwhelmed.

If he feels you aren't listening, try more active listening skills. Rephrase what he has said to you, especially in the form of a question.

Example:
Him: "I feel so frustrated"
You: "You feel frustrated, why is that?"

Answer 5

Sounds like he is too rapped up in his problems. If you really want to stay in this strange relationship, try couple's counseling.
He is trying to make everything about him. That is just plain selfish. Tell him that the world does not revolve around him.

Answer 6

To be honest, it sounds like neither of you are listening to each other.
On one hand your complaining that he gets depressed when you discuss your negative feelings and that he doesn't know what to do. Then on the other hand he is complaining that you don't listen to him when he needs to talk to you about things.

Here is some extended advice.

Active listening is a vital part of good communication. Mirroring, paraphrasing, and clarification are examples of active listening skills that have been demonstrated to be effective for reaching understanding. Most communication experts recommend some variation of these skills. Use them to bridge the gap in your listening differences. To listen effectively you should CARE for those you're listening to:

C - concentrate - focus on the speaker

A - acknowledge - through body language - nod your head occasionally or say uh-huh

R - respond - ask questions for clarification and interest

E - empathize - share in their emotions and feelings. Validate your partner

Embrace a positive approach and attitude: We get more in life of what we concentrate on. A positive conversations is more likely when you start it in a positive way. It sets the tone and will determine where the focus of the conversation is likely to head. If you start with a phrase that can be interpreted to be accusing or demeaning such as "You didn't... or "You make me feel..." a male is apt to focus on how he can defend himself against whatever you are going to say and a female is apt to focus on her emotions and feelings about the relationship. Avoid a negative distraction by choosing a positive approach that speaks to the issue and not against the person. Since people tend to mirror the emotional state of others, we have an opportunity to start in a positive way.

When you observe that your partner is not engaged in what you are saying, it's a sure sign that you should start over, use a different approach, or pick a better time. You will be disappointed if you go on blindly. In this case you have the opportunity to say something like, "I get the impression you are focused on other things. It's important to me that we both understand what I'm talking about. Would you prefer to continue later? I suggest __o'clock. Is that okay?" When both the speaker and the listener focus on the conversation, both are more likely to be satisfied with both the process and the outcome. Anything less is incomplete and dissatisfying with plenty of opportunity for misunderstanding. The ingredients for successful conversations include understanding your communication preferences and differences and then making positive choices about how you will talk to your partner or co-worker and how you will listen.

We recommend that you talk about your differences. There is nothing like talking about how you communicate to get to the heart of the matter. Discuss what goes right and what goes wrong in your conversations. Ask yourself why you ended up in an argument when it should have been just a conversation. What happens when you solve problems without conflict? When you find the answers you have the opportunity to solve problems instead of experiencing them over and over again.

In addition to these and other gender based communication preferences beyond that of focus, individuals have their own preferences on how they take in information. We all translate what we hear or ay based on who we are. The sum total of our heredity and our life experience, who we are, serves to filter everything. We see the world through our own colored glasses and we walk in our own shoes. We may not even be aware of the color of our glasses but they are there nonetheless. Beyond our filters, preferences may be generally categorized in terms of how we relate to feelings, thoughts, visuals, or even physical movement (kinesthetic). The reference clues come in how someone speaks in a response or opinion. For example: "I think..." indicates a thinking preference. "I feel..." indicates a feeling preference. "It looks like..." indicates a visual preference. A person with a kinesthetic preference may describe things in terms of movement or even model it with his/her body.

When people with different preferences talk, there are opportunities for miscommunication and frustration. A "thinker" listening to a "feeler" may miss much of the message while they struggle to translate emotions into logical thought. We act as though we are speaking different languages and that's not far from the truth.

Remember: Good communication requires active listening. If you want to communicate well with your listener and make a point then speak the "language" of the listener.

Answer 7

He is too self centered, doesn't respect your wishes. He needs help, big time. Otherwise he is going to drain you emotionally.

Answer 8

I'm really not sure...... I am probably wrong, but it sounds like he is a little paraniod and attention seeking.

I hope it all goes well, sorry i was no use.
XxX

Answer 9

he doesnt want to see you hurt.. and it hurts him when you are.. but he is still at fault he cant fall apart when u do cause he is the man not you he is supposed to be your rock and tell him so or it just wont work..