Husbands10 year old daughter who we've never met coming to stay?

Question

Ok....we found out 8 months ago that he has a daughter (10) in Australia...she was the result of a fling with a girl before he met me and we had a family. The girlfriend never told my husband she was having a baby, merely went back to her own husband and pretended it was his. 8 months ago she contacted my husband, admitted the truth and we had a dna test done. We have dealt with the fact that he has a daughter, but as they live in Australia and we in the U.K. we havent met them yet as money is tight... my husband speaks to the little girl on the phone a lot..we have a three year old of our own and one on the way in March. Now...last night my husband told me that he had spoken to his daughter and her Mother had come on the phone and told him that she (the Mother) Would be coming to UK in JUne with her girlfriends for a holiday and what about the little girl coming to stay with us for ten days. WellI have to admit that my first reaction was NO! I dont know the child...I have my own child

to think about plus I'll have a three month old baby. I wanted to meet his daughter on her own home turf in Oz when we have the money to visit, it will be very hard work and may be tough on the 10 year old to stay with what amounts to strangers for ten days....I have always thought the MOther was a bit odd....but to consider sending her child to live with people she does not know is a bit odd....in the past she has been a prostitute (Its legal in Australia) and has used drugs...I dont feel like I want her child in my home until I have vetted her...am I wrong?

Answer 1

i definately agree - the mother knows who your husband was 10 years ago - i assume he's changed in that time? she has no idea who you are and what your parenting style is - you could be a heroin user or hold orgies on a saturday night for all she knows.
i think you are right. She should be there to ease the way when this little girl meets her daddy for the first time. i cant understand why she wouldnt want to help her daughter.
Plus you'd be taking in a 10 year old girl you dont know who's in a foreign country for the first time who wouldnt know anyone. thats gotta be scary for her as well
do you feel you are being used as free babysitting? and of course you'd have to take her out everyday and show her some of the tourist stuff that might be too old for your little one so you're family life might struggle a bit

Answer 2

First the children come first. Sometimes that may seem hard to swallow in a situation such as this. HOWEVER you also have the situation with the drugs and the prostitution. Keep in mind that mother isnt staying. The child is. Taking into consideration that she is only 10 I doubt that she has done either vice. You may find that if her mother is as it seems she is (had a child with another male who wasnt her husband, a prostitute, drugs etc) you and your husband may be a saving grace for her. She never had the opportunity to choose who her parents are to be. She was brought into the world on unfair terms to be honest. You and your husband have the opportunity to show her what life CAN BE. What life SHOULD BE. I would say that her mother is definately not a role model mother. There may be a very good reason why all of this has taken place. Draw the line with the mother. Keep her where she needs to be. An adult making her own destructive decissions. Give the child a reason to believe in the better. Its actually a gift. Give her a chance. Its apparent that the mother has not. You may feel uncomfortable and may want to watch closely to see how she reacts to your children and that is normal. I would too. I think any parent would who is a decent parent. This may be your chance to do something really good here for a child. Give it the best you have. Remember too that your husband is finding out that he has lost time. For all you know, this may turn out to be a custody issue to be honest and perhaps that is not such a bad thing. I mean.................... if you were a judge, would YOU award custodial rights to a drug addict prostitute. I sure wouldnt. It may be legal but so is pounding down a bottle of gun every night and that isnt condusive to good parenting. Give the child a chance. Thats all they really ask for. A chance to be loved and a chance to grow. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Hang in there honey. A life long friend of mine has 4 boys and a much later daughter. Her daughter just walked away from her husband and a little boy barely 2 years old. Just decided not to come home. She has a lover, left her hub and baby behind because the hub was no fun. I had a DIL, that walked on my son after 5 years, she met her soul mate. Funny the minute she was single he ran like a scared rabbit. She has been single since, about 15 years now, each time she thinks she has a 'man' he skates. Your daughters problem is the novelty of guilt free sex has worn off after 3 months and now she sees laundry, cooking, cleaning and responsibility. All part of being an adult, she wants to be a swinger. Sorry for your plight, take an extended road trip to someplace you have always wanted to see. Do not let her move back with you!!! No insight from you, no matter what your answer would be it can come back later and get stuffed up your nose. Been there!!

Answer 4

I would be more worried about the mother being around, than the child.

This 10 year old girl.. probably feels the same way YOU are feeling right now.. Wondering why her mother would send her to strangers for 10 days, but at the same time, excited to meet her real father, and you and your children.

I would give the girl the benefit of the doubt, and include her in handling your 3 month old.. teach her how to make a bottle and all sorts of stuff.

I would definitely watch her at all times while she's there, just because the mother seems to be a bit shady, and people rub off on their kids..

Anyways, basically, I'm afraid of the unknown, like people I don't know, and situations I don't know.. but who isn't?

It's your call and personally I would be scared to have strangers staying in my home without meeting them first.. But that's me probably being a paranoid freak-o.

Go with your gut; talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel and if he insists on her coming, then insist that he watches her at all times, and spends the days with her and you.

Best of Luck and I hope you make the right decision.. whatever that may be. =-P

Answer 5

No, you are not wrong, however, be very careful. This can be a tricky area because this involves your husbands daughter. Whether he knew about her or not doesn't matter. What does matter is that you husband has shown that he is a man of honor. This is wonderful. On top of the fact that if what you say is true about the mom, this girl could definitely use the love and structure from you and your husband.

If you are that concerned, I would speak with a professional counselor who specializes in family practice. Get their advise. But keep the lines of communication open with the girl and I would highly suggest you be loving and kind to her and also start to talk to her.

I have a step daughter. I have never ever treated her like a step daughter and guess what? She comes to me for everything. She and I are very, very close. (we have a total of 10 children including my step daughter). When my step daughter turned 14 she moved in with us and has never regretted it.

I am more than happy to email more if you want. But do not come between this or you will lose and become resentful and it will ruin your marriage, or possibly could.

Answer 6

this sounds like a challenge.
This is about your husband and a child he didn't know about.
I would suggest getting to know her online, get a computer cam and start conversations.
Be ready for some times of tears from the little girl. she is sudenly has a new family.. I would give her space. Don't throw questions at her, like she is having an interview.

Play a game as a family that she will feel free to laugh and lossen up a bit.

Take her on little scenic trips.. Who knows, she might be an incredable invidual.

Make her feel welcomed and also expect her to help around the house. This little girl might need a secure family.

Rent movies that she might like. Have some fun projects like some art craft etc.Maybe make a scrap book of her time with you.
Laughter is the best way to bring relaxations between people.
Also if yo know someone her age my might want to ask jer

I am typing in my sleep. ntie ntie

Answer 7

YOU write as if this is all about YOU. It is not.

Your husband met the mother. Your husband has talked to the girl on the phone quite a bit. It is your husband's child and if he wants to have some sort of relationship with her, you should not stand in the way. If he is OK with her coming to stay with you then you should support his decision.

It may be the best thing you ever did.

Answer 8

Think of it this way. This child has been in some harsh environment judging by the way her mother sounds. For 10 days you can give here a break from that and give her something she could never forget. I think it is a little odd for her to want to drop off her kid like that. I also feel that it may be best for the kid to stay with you guys from the sound of it. Just think it out and try and think of whats going to be best for Your husband's kid. Whatever you guys decide to do best of luck. :)

Answer 9

Wow, that's a tuffie. But, like you say, 10 days with a stranger is really unmotherly. I believe I would refuse. She may drop the child off and never return for her. Which if her mom was a prostitute, then the child would be better off with you and her dad. That's a tuffie, Good Luck.

Answer 10

The child has been exposed to a harsh background, but she is your husband's daughter and deserves a chance as well; however, with a new baby in the home, she should watched and treated as though she is wanted.